Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • With the rise of online retailers,

  • it seems like everything is getting delivered

  • to our doorstep.

  • Last year, my cousin was pregnant,

  • and her baby showed up in an Amazon envelope.

  • Yeah. They saved on hospital bills and free shipping.

  • But if you're one of the millions of people

  • waiting for a holiday package to be delivered to you,

  • you better watch out--

  • because some assholes are coming to town.

  • NEWSMAN: Faster than they arrived,

  • packages can disappear.

  • Tonight, porch pirates are striking across the country,

  • just as a record number of deliveries are being made.

  • Captured on camera but not always caught by police,

  • The New York Times says nationwide,

  • more than 1.7 million packages are stolen or go missing

  • every day, 90,000 in New York City alone,

  • an astonishing $25 million in lost goods and services

  • across the country.

  • Sweet Lord!

  • Two million packages stolen a day.

  • 90,000 in New York alone.

  • I mean, I only steal, like, two or three a week,

  • -but I guess it adds up. -(laughter)

  • And by the way,

  • why is the news calling them "porch pirates"?

  • These people just steal shit.

  • That's just got called "thief."

  • Don't be making people sound cooler than they are.

  • "Oh, I'm a Walgreens pirate!"

  • -No, you're a shoplifter! -(laughter)

  • A real porch pirate would attack your porch with a crew

  • and then take it over.

  • Yeah. The house would still be yours, but every morning

  • you'd have to swashbuckle your way to your car.

  • Just like, "Ya! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

  • "I'm out! Aw, shit, I forgot my phone.

  • Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

  • Be like, "Aargh! You win this time, Steve!

  • But we'll see you when the sun sets! Arrgh!"

  • "Actually, I have a lot of work, so I'm gonna be home late."

  • "Again, Steve?!

  • "Your marriage is suffering! Aargh!

  • The other day your son called me Dad!"

  • (laughter)

  • (applause)

  • -(cheering, whistling) -But...

  • but no matter what you call them,

  • stolen packages are clearly an epidemic.

  • And the police have come up with a few novel solutions

  • to fight this crime.

  • NEWSWOMAN: The rampant theft has the sheriff's department

  • in Washington County, Oregon, going on offense,

  • planting bait packages on front steps

  • to catch culprits and deter potential criminals.

  • Once the package is picked up, police use

  • a combination of GPS, cell phone signal,

  • even radio frequency to track it down.

  • In Round Rock, Texas, one police station

  • creating Operation Front Porch.

  • Instead of risking theft at your home,

  • you have your packages sent to the police station for pickup.

  • We'll store it and categorize it,

  • and we ask you to come pick it up within three days.

  • A place where you keep your packages secure

  • so customers can come pick them up?

  • My man, you've just invented a store.

  • (laughter)

  • And don't get me wrong...

  • don't get me wrong, it's nice that the police are helping,

  • but I'm gonna be honest, I think the police already have

  • too many jobs in America.

  • Police have to solve crimes, they have to direct traffic,

  • they have to find shelter for the homeless,

  • they have to do social work, answer white ladies calling 911.

  • Now they're working retail, too?

  • So what, you're gonna have cops coming up to your car window

  • like, "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" "Uh..."

  • "'Cause we got these new boots you're gonna love!"

  • (laughter, applause)

  • So... the police are doing what they can

  • to stop package theft, but in many cases,

  • you're gonna want to call Animal Control as well.

  • NEWSWOMAN: A Los Angeles homeowner can rest easy

  • after learning who was stealing packages from his front door.

  • You see it right there.

  • Turns out it was this little guy.

  • Surveillance video caught this sneaky squirrel in the act,

  • grabbing an Amazon package and dragging it away.

  • It appears the porch pirate has been pretty active.

  • The owner says he frequently finds his packages

  • in the bushes around the apartment complex.

  • Yeah, you didn't see that coming, huh?

  • A squirrel stealing packages.

  • I bet you thought it would be, like, a raccoon

  • 'cause they look like criminals with that mask,

  • but you know what? That's profiling.

  • Because statistically,

  • squirrels and raccoons steal at the same rate,

  • but no one suspects the squirrels

  • 'cause of cute privilege.

  • (laughter)

  • You know, what's funny about this whole thing, though,

  • is because the squirrel takes the package

  • and then throws it away in the bush,

  • it's almost like the squirrel is hoping

  • there's gonna be acorns in there and always gets disappointed.

  • Just like, "Damn it! Another iPhone.

  • "Someday, they'll have to buy acorns.

  • It's all anybody eats. It's all anybody eats."

  • So, when you're having gifts delivered this holiday season,

  • please keep an eye on your packages.

  • And if you forget to buy someone a gift,

  • at least now you have the perfect excuse.

  • "Yarr! It was the porch pirate. Arr!"

With the rise of online retailers,

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it