I'm Trevor Noah. Before we begin,

some news coming out of South Korea.

The world famous pop group BTS

has asked their fans not to attend their shows

due to the coronavirus, yeah.

And you know less successful bands are gonna use that

as an excuse when no one buys their tickets, right?

Yeah, it just be like, "Uh, nobody came

"but that's because we told them not to,

so this one goes out to you, Mom!"

(imitating guitar riff)

All right, here are this week's headlines.

Let's kick it off with NASA,

America's most expensive way of collecting rocks.

If you wanted to be an astronaut

when you were a little kid,

first of all, congratulations on being basic.

And secondly, this may be your big chance.

- You want to be an astronaut?

Well, you better know how to swim.

- NASA is looking for a new crop of cadets

willing to take the plunge

in hopes of reaching outer space.

- The odds of being selected are pretty low.

NASA only needs about 20 trainees

for the next class.

Officials say degrees in math, science,

and engineering are required,

and you have to have a master's degree.

So, if you think you've got what it takes

to survive not just the neutral buoyancy pool

but an actual mission in space,

well, the next astronaut class opens up on Monday.

(chuckles) Apply then.

- (imitating chuckle)

Why are we laughing? (continues chuckling)

Thank God this guy is covering NASA and not a tornado.

"Everyone here is now homeless or dead."

(chuckling)

But yes, NASA is looking for new astronauts.

But you can only apply if you have a master's degree

and are in peak physical condition.

Basically, you have to be an athletic nerd,

which doesn't exist.

That would be like Neil deGrasse Mike Tyson.

That's what you've gotta be.

(imitating Tyson) "Yeah, it's time to discuss supernovas."

(laughter)

I'm joking, Mike. Now, uh... I'll be honest.

I think NASA's standards are too high.

Like, you shouldn't need

a master's degree to go to space.

You just need two things.

One, you need to know how to walk in slow motion.

Just like...

And two, you need courage.

That's all you need. You know who NASA should hire?

Those people who buy sushi at 7-Eleven.

That's-- that's what you need in space.

"I see you aren't afraid of taking risks.

You want to... want to fly to Pluto?"

All right, in other news,

remember the massive admissions scandal

that rocked American colleges last year?

Well, yesterday, one big parent

got the biggest sentence yet.

- This morning, the heiress

to the Hot Pocket snack food fortune

is heading to prison after a judge handed down

the harshest sentence yet

in the college admission scandal.

(timer dings) ♪ Hot Pockets ♪

- She understands the harm that her choices caused.

She understands the impact

that those choices had on students.

- Michelle Janavs sentenced to five months

behind bars after pleading guilty

to paying bribes to get her two daughters

admitted to elite universities.

- That's right, the Hot Pockets heiress

was sentenced to five months in prison.

Although, after two and a half months,

they'll take her out, flip her over

and then put her back in.

(laughter and applause)

By the way...

By the way, can we admit "Hot Pockets heiress"

is a very weird phrase that is somehow both trashy

and extremely upper-class at the same time.

You know, it's like, "Introducing the archduchess

of scratch-off lottery tickets."

(laughter)

Now, some people will be like,

"Oh, five months doesn't seem like a long time in prison."

But it really is, especially if you're a rich white woman.

I mean, for them, that's basically life.

Think about it. By the time you get out,

your book club has moved on to a totally new book.

If you go to prison in August,

you'll completely miss pumpkin spice season.

And worst of all, your kids

will have completely forgotten who you are, yeah.

You'll be back like, "It's me, your mom!

The woman the nanny gives you to on the weekends, remember?"

But on the other hand,

she might come out of prison with all new ideas

for fillings for Hot Pockets, you know?

Yeah, she'll be back in the boardroom like,

"All right, guys, forget that ham and cheese shit.

"We're doing toilet wine and cigarettes, come on.

"Gonna put a shiv inside each one

"so if anyone steps to Aunt Becky,

they can catch a fade."

President Donald Trump-- still not used to saying that.

Last night, he flew 8,000 miles

for his first state visit to India.

Now, Trump's in India partly to negotiate a trade deal,

and partly to get his copy of the Kama Sutra signed.

Yeah, Trump and Melania use that book all the time.

Her favorite position is the one where she's on top

and he's not in the room.

Now, you might be wondering how would a country

full of brown people react to a visit from Donald Trump?

Well, it turns out, from the moment Trump arrived,

it was love at first sight.

- President Trump just arrived this morning

for a two-day visit.

The president received what's being called

a "king's welcome,"

orchestrated by the Indian prime minister.

The president headed a massive rally

packed with more than a hundred thousand people.

- A Make America Great Again rally, India-style.

♪♪

They even blasted "Macho Man"

before the president took the stage,

and when he did, a show of affection

for India's prime minister.

- Namaste, Trump!

- The president is overwhelmingly popular

here in India, where his pro-business,

tough-on-terror image is widely admired.

- I happen to like Prime Minister Modi a lot.

He says between the stadium and-- and the, uh...

airport, we'll have about seven million people,

so it's gonna be very exciting.

- Seven million people

came out to see Trump

go from the airport to the stadium?

That's impressive.

Although, to be fair, it's also India.

There's seven million people between any two locations.

(laughter) Yeah, I mean...

the line at Indian Starbucks is seven million people.

There are Indian brides right now who are like, "No, Daddy,

"I just want a small wedding.

No more than seven million people."

He's like, "Okay, Anushka, first cousins only."

But it is true that Donald Trump is very popular in India.

All right? Some like him

because of his anti-Muslim rhetoric,

some like him because of his business savvy,

and all of them like him

because his skin looks like tikka masala.

laughter) And since India is so fond...

(cheering and applause) so fond...

of President Donald Jaipur Trump,

they pulled out all the stops for his visit.

- At India's famous Taj Mahal,

workers paint, spruce, and polish.

Roads are renovated,

and nearby, the Yamuna River rises,

as millions of liters of water are released