Now, if you're looking to get an introvert, you can either adopt a baby one, known as a "Shylet," or rescue an adult from an introvert shelter, generally referred to as a "Library."

On arriving home, show your new introvert the location of the litter tray, the feeding bowl, and any windows it can jump out of in case the doorbell rings.

A pair of introverts is called an "Awkward."

A group of introverts is called an "Angst."

They are generally never found together in the wild except by accident, in which case they will apologize for making eye-contact, nod politely, then run screaming in opposite directions.

Contrary to popular belief, introverts don't dislike human company.

(They just utterly despise it.) Interaction with introverts can be problematic.

A typical conversation might run:

Extrovert: Hi.

Introvert: Helloooo!

Extrovert: How's it going?

Introvert: Yes.

Introvert: (F**k!)

Extrovert:What?

Introvert: Haha, how about that much anticipated sports match last night eh?

Extrovert: What?

Introvert: Fu...!

Introvert: Stuff over here to do a bit now. Better runaroo.

Extrovert: What?

Introvert: Mmmnnnnnnne-eeeeaaaaaaaa.

Extrovert: What?

Introvert: (F**k!)

Introversion itself probably results from a genetic mutation.

In fact, introvert DNA is oriented in parallel lines, as the two chains are too embarrassed to twist around on each other.

This leads to an enlarged "Sorrybellum" and a malformed "Anxietal Lobe".

However, introverts make for excellent fighting animals.

They will level up from Occasional Reader, to Social Hermit, then with enough experience evolve into their final form: Professional EVE Online Player.

The introvert class comes with a low-maintenance cost, but extremely high embarrassment risk.

Against extroverts, they can use the "Retreat to Toilet" move, to recover HP.

Deploy the "Agreeable Conversation" defense block, but are totally useless against the "Direct Eye-Contact" attack.

If you want to reward your introvert, why not treat it to, a colorful toy, a tummy rub?

Not forcing it to talk publicly about its emotions ever.

And not forcing it to talk publicly about its emotions fucking ever.

Mistreating your introvert may prompt a visit from the "Antisocial Services."

So try to avoid: belittling your introvert in front of its friends, manhandling the first editions of books, talking shit about Kurt Vonnegut, or insisting on phoning rather than texting.

Failure to observe these instructions may result in your introvert exhibiting extremely backhanded compliments, a lack of polite sign-offs at the end of e-mails, or serving your tea only lukewarm and it tasting suspiciously like piss.

Like most humans, introverts do have romantic tendencies.

Generally, the mating call goes something like:

Sorry I... don't mean to interrupt but... is someone sitting here?

No?

Ah...

Hmmm....

Actually, I... I think I left the gas on.

Goodbye forever!

Directness can also be an issue.

How's it going? Generally equates to: I find you very attractive.

Hope to see you again! = I'm falling quite madly in love.

And, "I think about you occasionally", translates as: "I would literally remove my ears with a rusty spoon just to see you with your socks off."

Dating an introvert can be quite an experience.

A romantic evening might consist of the two of you having a glass of wine and reading a book together, separated only by being in different countries, and communicating in no way whatsoever.

If you grow tired of your introvert, no need to pawn it off on a friend, simply disconnect the router, or suggest that it might've offended someone slightly, and it will quietly run away in the night.

Owners do occasionally come to resemble their pets.

You yourself might be an introvert without realizing, if you...

Find yourself mentally exhausted after hanging out with people, even those you like.

Enjoy dining or going to the movies alone.

Go to leave your apartment, notice your neighbor is out in the hallway, then suddenly grow convinced that you need to go back inside to do some "important stuff."

Consider small talk the verbal equivalent of integral calculus.

Or utilize a ten-point grading system in your head for how the conversation is going so far...

With the Postman.

In any case though, if you're looking for a pet that isn't constantly defacing the furniture, or trying to murder you in your sleep, why not get an introvert?

Not as good as dogs, but much less likely to piss everywhere.

Bye.