It's your girl Jenn.

And for today's video,

we are sitting down, we're getting ready,

and we're chatting about friendships.

And I know a few of you guys are thinking,

you know Jenn, I'm good, my friends rock.

If that's the case, fantastic,

like keep those people close to you and keep shining.

However if you are struggling in this department,

I just wanted to give you guys my two cents on friendships.

Because being an adult is hard

and keeping good people around you is important

because the people you surround yourself

affect your attitude and your behavior.

So I thought that I would just

kick it off with the negativity first

and bring out some deal breakers

on what I don't want in a friend.

So the big question is,

when is it okay to leave a friendship?

I'm pretty sure that all of us have been in a position

where we've met someone, we really hit it off,

and it's like, good for a couple of months or moments.

And then after some time passes,

you realize like oh my God,

we're actually really, really different.

And then you kind of phase out the friendship

or just give it some time to breathe.

I think that's perfectly normal.

And I know it may sound a little bit harsh

like oh my gosh, she's just cutting off some friends,

but you know what?

If you apply this same concept to dating,

it's like perfectly acceptable.

Like we meet a stranger,

we spill our guts and talk about everything,

and then once things get rocky, we have the talk.

And then you might never talk to this stranger ever again.

And I feel like that same concept

can be applied to friendships.

Like if a person is causing you so much stress in your life,

it's not your duty to be their best friend.

But I just think it's weird because like honestly,

I find that having that talk with a friend

is way more uncomfortable than having that talk

to someone that you're dating.

I don't know if you guys feel the same way

but it's very difficult.

But anywho, I want to talk about some specific dealbreakers

for me in a friendship.

And they're different for everybody.

My first one is criticism.

Like there's a reason

why it's on Dr. Gottman's divorce predictors.

There are four of them.

It's criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.

But they say criticism is enough to kill any relationship.

And that includes friendships as well.

And I know that there's a difference between

constructive criticism and just plain criticism,

although I do appreciate constructive criticism,

if you are giving me constructive criticism

every time we meet,

it just gets old, man.

It just gets to a point where you're like

please stop focusing on me.

I'm not your little project.

And it could be very small things

like oh, you've got something on your shirt.

Your eyebrows are uneven.

You're laughing too loud.

It's actually pronounced this way.

I feel like it's like the tone they say it, too.

And I don't know,

I don't expect to be coddled in a friendship

but if it's just like every time

you're saying something that I'm doing wrong,

and I know it can be seen as like

oh, I'm just looking out for you.

But for some things I just don't really care.

Like for example, if I have like a stain on my shirt

and we're already out,

it's like, yeah, I have a stain on my shirt.

I'm already at the Grove, I do not have a Tide pen.

I'm not gonna go and change my shirt.

So what was the benefit of you pointing that out to me?

It just makes the person that you're calling out feel bad.

And honestly, this goes both ways.

If there is a friend where you're always wanting

to correct or fix to look out for them,

you might wanna re-evaluate and really think about

just like one or two things

that really personally affect you

and would help the friendship for the better

and then bring it up in a calm conversation

just between the two of you.

And I feel like that would have a much better reaction

than always nitpicking and nagging on a friend.

And when you do that, that is productive feedback.

And by the way,

I've been loving to use Tati Beauty's Blendiful.

I haven't used my beauty blenders in a very long time

and I'm not mad about that.

It's like one less tool I have to use.

The Blendiful's great because I can also powder my face

with it as well.

And I'm just gonna go in with Laura Mercier's

Translucent powder.

Being selfish is another deal breaker for me.

Now, everyone is selfish to a certain extent.

Like that's natural.

There is a fine line between looking out for yourself

and just being completely self-absorbed.

They are the type of friend that will literally

right when you see them, they'll sit down,

they'll rattle on and on and on about themselves,

about their problems, about their experiences,

about just like any random thing that they've had

and it's so hard for you to get a single word in

but they don't even realize

that they're not even letting you speak.

And even if you try and change the topic,

it's just immediately like,

how can I make this about me?

It's really frustrating to have a conversation

because it doesn't feel very fulfilling.

Like you're almost being verbally assaulted with words.

They just keep going and just keep talking at you.

And at the end of these hangouts,

you end up feeling super drained of all your energy reserves

and you just feel completely empty.

They're like emotional vampires.

If they're not constantly talking about themselves,

then they're constantly asking you of things.

And they're always putting you in a position

where you are kind of cornered into saying yes.

Selfishness can spark up in a lot of different forms

but for me, friends that just make everything about them.

They never really go out of their way to hear you out

at any capacity.

You guys know the drill,

I'm using my Maybelline Brow Ultra Slim pencils.

And my last deal breaker is if

I'm becoming a friend that I wouldn't want.

My friend Amy actually made a very enlightening video

about toxic relationships.

And she says that toxic relationships

are often seen as just a one-way street

like oh, that person's being toxic,

snip 'em out of your life.

However that's not really the case.

Being in a toxic relationship is a two-way street.

Like not one person is constantly the angel.

Like if someone is being toxic to you,

chances are you are being toxic right back

which fuels this wheel and cycle of toxicity.

When I started to examine my behavior

in a toxic relationship,

I realized I wasn't a very good friend either.

I was constantly dodging their calls and texts,

when I see their name on my phone I'd be like, (groans)

I would flake on them.

And when I would finally actually hang out with them

I would just be so resentful

on the fact that I had to be there

and just nitpick in my head

on the things that would annoy me about them.

I was being petty.

If I was around them,

I'd just be like this deflated balloon

and I would just drink like two or three cocktails

to make things more bearable and fun.

And if I need to have two or three drinks

to be around you, that's clearly not a good sign.

Like that's me medicating myself to make you more bearable.

Like who is winning in that situation here?

It got to a point where when I would hang out with them,

it would feel like a chore.

It would feel like something I had to do

as my civic duty, like pay a parking ticket.

And if any friend felt that type of way about me,

I would be like please, let's let this friendship breathe

and just give it some space.

Because no friendship should feel like that.

And this doesn't mean that friend is a bad person.

It doesn't make you a bad person.

It simply means that you guys aren't right for each other

and there's nothing wrong with that.

I feel like life is too short

to hope that a friend will change.

Like I don't expect anyone to change for me

but I do have a choice on who I spend my time with.

It's not a matter of hate,

it's a matter of incompatibility.

As simple as that.

So let's lighten the mood a little bit

and talk about something more positive

and let's move on to eyeshadows.

I'm gonna use Urban Decay's Naked Honey Palette

because I just want something goldy.

Friendships can look like anything.

It doesn't have to be like that typical social construct

of a best friend who's always at your house

and always on the phone with you

and you're like constantly texting with each other.

It doesn't have to look like that.

I have a lot of friendships where

I don't see them in a couple of months

and when we do see each other,

we just pick things up right where we left it off.

Like my friend Dani is a great example of that.

She lives in Toronto

and we see each other maybe like two to three times a year

but when we see each other,

we go in, we're like, woo!

A friendship can look like anything

as long as it works

and serves the both of you guys beneficially,

it's a good friendship.

So the first quality I look for in a friendship

is you gotta be real with me.

I can only handle small talk for so long.

Like how long are we gonna talk about the weather

and tv shows, and films?

Like yes that's fun when you first meet somebody,

but to be my best friend, we gotta get to a point

where we're like cracking open our souls

and we just explain and open up

about like what's really going on.

There's nothing more fulfilling to me

than having a two-way back and forth conversation

of us opening about our hardships,

our successes, our shortcomings, our strengths,

just everything spilled out and examined together.

I think that's absolutely beautiful.

And it's actually a little bit more difficult to find

then you'd think.

And I absolutely do not expect my friends

to be perfect people.

Like we are all going to fuck up at some point.

And if something goes down,

I want them to be real with me.

I want them to tell me what they really think

and vice-versa.

So now I'm gonna do a light little wing

with this brown liquid eyeliner.

And the second trait that I look for in a friendship

is we both gotta make effort with each other.

And effort looks, it can look like a lot of different things