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  • The following trailer is rated H for Honest

  • From the studio who sounds like they picked

  • three random words out of a hat

  • comes a franchise based on the books you never read,

  • a sequel to the game you never played

  • and a follow-up to the game you heard was

  • really, really good and scrambled to finish before

  • this one came out.

  • Come on, I know you did!

  • THE WITCHER 3 WILD HUNT

  • Journey to an overwhelmingly vast

  • and Polish land

  • where Gerald is Geralt,

  • Jennifer is Yennefer

  • and the locals are covered in charming

  • Eastern European prison tattoos.

  • Become a witcher,

  • which is confusingly different from being a witch

  • or a witch hunter

  • but is basically just a fancy orchardman

  • (Geralt) "...slayer in the largest city... looking for rat sh*t.

  • Sheesh."

  • Thrill as you haggle with dirt poor villagers over

  • how much it will cost to

  • save them from unspeakable horrors

  • then rob their crumbling shanties blind

  • once they've paid up.

  • Ooh-hooh! Goat hide!

  • It's the second most dangerous

  • profession in the kingdom

  • right behind bouncer trying to keep you

  • from entering a building.

  • (Bouncer) Cock a doodle do, what am I to do?

  • Sh*t myself?

  • (Geralt) All right!

  • (my bad, bro)

  • Take control of Geralt,

  • a whirling dance of death while in combat

  • and an impossible to control spaz

  • when you're trying to open a chest

  • or pick some flowers.

  • (DAMMIT Geralt, just pick the Celandine)

  • Use his finely tuned Witcher Senses

  • to locate stuff you can

  • EASILY find with your normal senses, like:

  • blood stains,

  • dead bodies

  • and shoes (really?)

  • Just check your mini-map, dude!

  • Get ready for the Monster Hunter game

  • Capcom wishes they made

  • as you take down griffins,

  • trolls

  • and wraiths in epic fun-to-play battles

  • after hours of tedious potion, oil and spell preparation

  • that's as fun as making

  • lightsaber noises at a spreadsheet

  • (Lightsaber noises at a spreadsheet)

  • Set out on an epic quest to save Ciri,

  • a princess who's always in another castle,

  • full of tough moral choices that

  • will result in innocent deaths

  • NO MATTER which option you pick!

  • Like Game of Thrones if it were a

  • "choose your own adventure" book

  • then completely ignore the main quest

  • as you take on more pressing matters like:

  • escorting a goat,

  • snowball fighting

  • and helping an old woman find her missing...

  • pan! (What?)

  • (Old Woman) "Found the pan, have ya?"

  • Dammit, I'm a Witcher, not a panner!

  • STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!

  • But it will all be worth it when you finally take on

  • the Swedish death metal album art known

  • as the Wild Hunt

  • in an ending so final in its endingness,

  • gamers will unanimously agree

  • that's totally how the game ends!

  • Yeah, uh, we haven't beaten it either!

  • (Eskel) "Sommon the b*tches"

  • Role-play as man who's not just a freak,

  • but also a SUPER freak,

  • (Rick James - Super Freak)

  • as the latest installment of this x-rated dating sim.

  • doesn't disappoint, full of:

  • boobs,

  • Boobs,

  • BOOBS

  • and

  • dangly old water hag boobs.

  • KILL IT! KILL WITH IGNI!

  • The developer heard you liked games

  • so they put a game in your game

  • so you can game while you game

  • with Gwent:

  • a card game featuring images of characters

  • from the game you are currently playing

  • outside of that card game.

  • GAMECEPTION!

  • (Inception OST)

  • So dive into a franchise whose biggest flaw

  • is having to quit your job or drop out of school

  • to experience it all,

  • from the beard-growing physics,

  • to the beautifully rendered areolas,

  • to the stunning vistas that will

  • absolutely take your breath -

  • Oh no! I haven't saved in like FOUR HOURS!

  • Starring:

  • The Guy with Two Swords 3: Helen Hunt

  • Anyone else noticed that Roach is basically

  • a teleporting demon horse?

  • (Chills and creepes)

The following trailer is rated H for Honest

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