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  • How fast was I going, officer?

  • I'm a huge fan.

  • And I'm a huge fan of yours.

  • I think you're so funny, for years and years, and sweet, and sexy, and funny.

  • Oh, well.

  • I'm wearing your glasses you sent me.

  • Don't you just love them?

  • I love them.

  • You said that you love Nicki Minaj, right?

  • Yeah.

  • Do you want to meet her?

  • Yes!

  • Come on out, Nicki.

  • I'm a second Nicki Minaj!

  • Am I, am I still intact?

  • Yup.

  • I didn't change into a prince?

  • No, not yet.

  • No.

  • I don't think I'm the one to do that for you.

  • Oh well.

  • Aaahh!

  • I don't know if you know this, but I was aiming to break your record of retweets.

  • And I apologize for doing it, but I broke your retweet record.

  • I heard about that.

  • I thought it was a pretty cheap stunt, myself.

  • Yeah, right.

  • That's a good stretch, yep.

  • This is a traffic report.

  • But you're going to read it as a woman in labor.

  • Oh, well, let's take a look at your Tuesday drive.

  • Got a jackknife, big rig in the two-lane.

  • 101, westbound at Balboa.

  • Oh!

  • Oh!

  • What's your favorite swear word?

  • [BLEEP]

  • If they made a movie about your life, what would it be called?

  • Oh (bleep).

  • Wait, am I seeing wheatgrass there?

  • -Wait, am I seeing wheatgrass anywhere?

  • No, yeah, wheatgrass...

  • Oh.

  • Take out some scissors from your purse.

  • I would like... and just start chopping some.

  • Can I chop some off?

  • Thank you.

  • All right, put it in your mouth.

  • Put it in your mouth and chew on it.

  • This is so good.

  • This is so good.

  • That is really good, actually.

  • Boy.

  • What color do you want?

  • Green.

  • The donkey bucked my mom.

  • What?

  • The donkey did what to your mom?

  • The donkey...

  • Uh-huh.

  • ...bucked my...

  • No.

  • Your donkey did not do that.

  • Melons.

  • Melons.

  • Here, hold one.

  • Hold on.

  • Hold it.

  • Hold it.

  • Come on, come on.

  • And hold the other one.

  • Yeah.

  • Hold on while I get a picture.

  • OK.

  • Hold on.

  • I'm sorry.

  • I'm kind of distracted right now.

  • I just... I just...

  • Hey, Ellen.

  • Hi, Brad, what are you doing?

  • Don't mind me.

  • I just came to see the show.

  • Great show, by the way, so far.

  • You're killing it.

  • Thank you.

  • Thank you.

  • You're welcome that... you want to come sit down here?

  • No, I'm good.

  • And you continuously find these moments to make everybody feel that much better.

  • I'm amazing.

  • I'm amazing.

  • I'm amazing.

  • You're my happy place.

  • Thank you.

  • This is my happy place.

  • Ellen! Ellen! Ellen! Ellen!

  • Me! Me! Me! Me!

How fast was I going, officer?

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