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It's officially the holiday season,
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a time for family, togetherness
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and cocktails with eggs, for some reason.
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But you better enjoy it while it lasts.
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Ronny Chieng tells us why in another installment
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of "Everything is Stupid."
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-(applause and cheering) -♪ ♪
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Oh, it's Christmas... again.
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It's just another excuse for you people
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to send me stupid pictures of your family.
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Oh, great. Another baby dressed as an elf?
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Wow. Thanks for the reminder to get a vasectomy.
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(laughter)
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But now, thanks to all of these stupid world leaders
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not giving a shit about climate change,
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everything you love about Christmas is gonna disappear,
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starting with Christmas trees.
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This year, your Christmas tree could wind up costing you more
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than you've spent in the past.
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WOMAN 2: At this farm outside Los Angeles,
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the average tree costs around a hundred bucks.
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Nationwide, a fresh-cut Christmas tree
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now averages $76,
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double what it cost in 2008.
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Blame it on climate change.
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Rising temperatures, wildfires and drought
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have all made farming more challenging.
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Yeah, that's right.
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Climate change is taking away Christmas trees.
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By 2050, they're gonna be so expensive
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that the tree will be the present, okay?
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How are you gonna trick kids into behaving that way?
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Listen, you better be good all year,
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or you're not gonna get a Douglas fir for Christmas.
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Why do people want Christmas trees in their house anyway?
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All they do is shed pine needles all over the floor.
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If that's what you're into, just call me.
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I'll stab you in the foot for free. Right?
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And it's not just trees that are going away.
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Climate change is gonna kill Santa's transportation, too.
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In our "Eye on Earth" series,
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we'll take you to Santa's hometown
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in the North Pole, where climate change
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is threatening the reindeer population.
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MAN: The reindeer feed, even through the winter,
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on lichen, a mossy plant
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they dig down through the snow to get at,
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except when all that thawing
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and refreezing means they can't.
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And when the snow turns to ice, what happens to the reindeer?
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We have to feed them.
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(laughter)
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You know things are bad
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when your entire species depends on a guy in a weird hat, okay?
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I mean, what if he oversleeps one day?
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He'll be like, "Oh, shit. My alarm didn't go off.
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Now I need to dig a mass reindeer grave."
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(audience groaning)
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And this is a big problem, okay,
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because without reindeer, how is Santa gonna get around?
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He's gonna have to hitchhike around the world,
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trading rides for hand jobs, okay?
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(laughter, groaning)
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But guess what. The climate crisis is coming
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for our New Year's drinks, too.
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Another popular consumer item
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that's expected to get a lot more expensive-- prosecco.
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Climate change is doing a number on the grapes
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that make the sparkling wine.
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NEWSMAN: Paolo Tomasello says extreme weather
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is posing new challenges at his vineyard.
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TOMASELLO: Climate change is a big problem.
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When it's sort of very cold there,
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when it's raining, it rain very much.
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NEWSMAN: Prosecco, he explained, should have low alcohol
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and high acidity.
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But high temperatures and earlier ripening
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produce the opposite effect.
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That's right. Thanks to climate change,
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prosecco is gonna cost more and taste worse.
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Although, to be fair, if you cared about taste,
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you wouldn't be drinking prosecco.
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Okay, you peasants?
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Prosecco is the champagne that dropped out of high school.
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Okay? You know what my holiday drink of choice is?
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Good old-fashioned rubbing alcohol.
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That's right. Sure, it'll make you go blind,
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but that's when the party really starts.
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So happy New Year, everyone.
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Spoiler alert: 2020's gonna be worse.
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-(laughter) -Ronny Chieng, everyone!
