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  • It's officially the holiday season,

  • a time for family, togetherness

  • and cocktails with eggs, for some reason.

  • But you better enjoy it while it lasts.

  • Ronny Chieng tells us why in another installment

  • of "Everything is Stupid."

  • -(applause and cheering) -♪ ♪

  • Oh, it's Christmas... again.

  • It's just another excuse for you people

  • to send me stupid pictures of your family.

  • Oh, great. Another baby dressed as an elf?

  • Wow. Thanks for the reminder to get a vasectomy.

  • (laughter)

  • But now, thanks to all of these stupid world leaders

  • not giving a shit about climate change,

  • everything you love about Christmas is gonna disappear,

  • starting with Christmas trees.

  • This year, your Christmas tree could wind up costing you more

  • than you've spent in the past.

  • WOMAN 2: At this farm outside Los Angeles,

  • the average tree costs around a hundred bucks.

  • Nationwide, a fresh-cut Christmas tree

  • now averages $76,

  • double what it cost in 2008.

  • Blame it on climate change.

  • Rising temperatures, wildfires and drought

  • have all made farming more challenging.

  • Yeah, that's right.

  • Climate change is taking away Christmas trees.

  • By 2050, they're gonna be so expensive

  • that the tree will be the present, okay?

  • How are you gonna trick kids into behaving that way?

  • Listen, you better be good all year,

  • or you're not gonna get a Douglas fir for Christmas.

  • Why do people want Christmas trees in their house anyway?

  • All they do is shed pine needles all over the floor.

  • If that's what you're into, just call me.

  • I'll stab you in the foot for free. Right?

  • And it's not just trees that are going away.

  • Climate change is gonna kill Santa's transportation, too.

  • In our "Eye on Earth" series,

  • we'll take you to Santa's hometown

  • in the North Pole, where climate change

  • is threatening the reindeer population.

  • MAN: The reindeer feed, even through the winter,

  • on lichen, a mossy plant

  • they dig down through the snow to get at,

  • except when all that thawing

  • and refreezing means they can't.

  • And when the snow turns to ice, what happens to the reindeer?

  • We have to feed them.

  • (laughter)

  • You know things are bad

  • when your entire species depends on a guy in a weird hat, okay?

  • I mean, what if he oversleeps one day?

  • He'll be like, "Oh, shit. My alarm didn't go off.

  • Now I need to dig a mass reindeer grave."

  • (audience groaning)

  • And this is a big problem, okay,

  • because without reindeer, how is Santa gonna get around?

  • He's gonna have to hitchhike around the world,

  • trading rides for hand jobs, okay?

  • (laughter, groaning)

  • But guess what. The climate crisis is coming

  • for our New Year's drinks, too.

  • Another popular consumer item

  • that's expected to get a lot more expensive-- prosecco.

  • Climate change is doing a number on the grapes

  • that make the sparkling wine.

  • NEWSMAN: Paolo Tomasello says extreme weather

  • is posing new challenges at his vineyard.

  • TOMASELLO: Climate change is a big problem.

  • When it's sort of very cold there,

  • when it's raining, it rain very much.

  • NEWSMAN: Prosecco, he explained, should have low alcohol

  • and high acidity.

  • But high temperatures and earlier ripening

  • produce the opposite effect.

  • That's right. Thanks to climate change,

  • prosecco is gonna cost more and taste worse.

  • Although, to be fair, if you cared about taste,

  • you wouldn't be drinking prosecco.

  • Okay, you peasants?

  • Prosecco is the champagne that dropped out of high school.

  • Okay? You know what my holiday drink of choice is?

  • Good old-fashioned rubbing alcohol.

  • That's right. Sure, it'll make you go blind,

  • but that's when the party really starts.

  • So happy New Year, everyone.

  • Spoiler alert: 2020's gonna be worse.

  • -(laughter) -Ronny Chieng, everyone!

It's officially the holiday season,

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