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  • (funky music)

  • (news intro)

  • - [Announcer] From west Hollywood, California

  • the only news team that doesn't know

  • what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

  • Anyone who laughs, or breaks loses points.

  • This is Breaking News.

  • (news intro)

  • - Good evening and welcome to Breaking News.

  • The show where we don't know what we're about to say

  • and where we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

  • I'm Slender Pork Chop.

  • - And my name is Tickles.

  • - Our lead story tonight: Daddy came back to the today

  • and was very mad.

  • - Daddy said the kitchen was dirty and Daddy wanted food.

  • - And mad Daddy sure was hungry.

  • - Mad Daddy left to get food.

  • - Mad Daddy like big burger.

  • - Mad Daddy came back with a fat patty.

  • - Mad Daddy ate and went to sleep on the chair.

  • - If you've just joined us, Daddy is mad

  • he ate a burger patty, and is now asleep.

  • We'll make sure to get you more Daddy updates

  • as they come in.

  • - Allergy season is back.

  • So if you're a sneezy little thing

  • remember to avoid those scary flowers.

  • - Bad news for allergy mutants.

  • And now punching you hard with some sports news

  • it's Punchy Pete.

  • - That's right!

  • It's sports time!

  • I'm Punchy Pete.

  • Peach, Punchy Peach.

  • And I'm Peachy, and punchy.

  • The minor league Farmingdale Penises

  • are facing a team suspension

  • after they were caught doping with Jelly Belly's.

  • Coach Penis, who can only speak

  • in the language of the penises

  • defended the team at a press conference saying, and I quote

  • "Penis

  • penis."

  • After the statement, Mr. Penis swayed back and forth

  • and waddles off repeatedly muttering the P word.

  • And by that, I do mean "penis."

  • - Sorry to interrupt Punchy

  • but we're getting an update

  • from the homosexual deer community.

  • - The homosexual deer

  • are bravely protesting forest inequality.

  • - The deer have been lining up next to the highway

  • and chanting, "We're here, we're queer, we're deer."

  • - And now let's finish up sports with Punchy.

  • - We turn now to hockey.

  • Ding dong!

  • Who's there?

  • How about the Boston Bruins.

  • What do they do?

  • Well, they showed up for dinner and they are hungry.

  • I hope you got meat 'cause this team will eat it raw

  • and then burn down your house.

  • This is phenomenal team

  • who will piss on the ashes of your house after they burn it.

  • I predict this year we're gonna go turn it up

  • and dance on their own piss taunting you

  • the homeowner of the house.

  • These guys are fierce, and if you have insurance

  • the whole team will show up to terrify that you

  • to testify that you burned down your own house.

  • These guys mean business.

  • They're going to the top

  • and you're going to prison for arson and insurance fraud.

  • Back to you!

  • - Thanks homeslice.

  • A local study on men's health recently revealed

  • that police chief Gary has diarrhea.

  • - Sad to hear.

  • Wait, we're getting an update on Daddy.

  • It seems Daddy is mad again

  • because of the garage reeks of raccoon piss.

  • - Mad Daddy says

  • "Raccoons are getting in the pissy garage."

  • - Mad Daddy called the garage "A total raccoon piss fest"

  • and went to call animal control.

  • - But on Daddy's way to the phone

  • he slipped on spilled juice.

  • Mad Daddy stormed out of the house covered in juice.

  • - That story's developing.

  • - We'll keep you up to the minute

  • thanks to Daddy's daughter, sweet little Lucy.

  • And now with the celebrity news, let's go over to Van Bones.

  • - Thanks.

  • - Folks, he's a lady's man

  • but I'm not talking about the Fonz.

  • I'm talking about the actor who played the Fonz

  • Henry Winkler.

  • Last night Henry and his longtime wife Stacy

  • cuddled up to their favorite rom-com Bridget Jone's Diary.

  • But during the movie

  • we heard there was a major make out session.

  • Seems like there marriage is in great shape.

  • In other news, Hollywood power couple

  • Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen

  • were spotted at Horton's diner.

  • Allegedly they ordered a couple of biscuits

  • and they were splitting a bowl of gravy to dip in.

  • They were both doing crossword puzzles

  • and sometimes they'd look up at each other and smile.

  • I'll bet that's so nice.

  • I think about getting kisses all the time

  • and it makes me smile so much that I want to cry.

  • A kiss, one kiss would just be the greatest.

  • And if you'd like to meet me for a soda

  • and maybe some kisses in the parking lot after the soda

  • please tweet at the station.

  • Back to you!

  • - Thanks Van.

  • And we've just gotten word that after Daddy left the house

  • he accidentally stepped in a bucket of (beep).

  • - When Daddy came back to the house

  • he had juice on his body and poop on his foot.

  • Mommy kept asking why there was a bucket of poop?

  • - Mad Daddy realized how ridiculous the situation was

  • what with the bucket of poop, and he started to laugh

  • a big, deep man laugh.

  • Now, he's glad Daddy.

  • - It's nice when a story has a happy ending.

  • That's all for us today, but before we go we'll say

  • that our loser today is David Cyr Kerns.

  • - [Punchy] What?

  • - [Tickles] Thanks for watching!

  • - No, really?

  • - Daddy's gonna be mad.

  • - Daddy's gonna be real mad.

  • - Hi.

  • I still don't know what I'm about to say

  • because I'm a big, stupid idiot.

  • If you like that video, you can go to hell

  • and then you can go to dropout.tv

  • to start your free trial today.

  • For every episode of Breaking News that's here

  • there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.

  • Until next time I'm Grant O'Brien

  • which is Irish for Grant of Brien.

(funky music)

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