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  • The Addams family

  • (PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

  • (ALARM SOUNDING)

  • The mail's in.

  • Never mind, Lurch, I'll get it.

  • My new carving knife.

  • Nice knife. Can I play autopsy with it?

  • Well, darling, autopsy's a fine game.

  • But this is for carving works of art.

  • (METALLIC CLINKING)

  • Well, either I've got tough hair or this knife needs sharpening.

  • There, darling, I think it's sharp enough now.

  • Lovely, Morticia. Querida mia.

  • Hurry up, Gomez.

  • Are you getting tired, Uncle Fester?

  • No, I like to pose. It's so artistic.

  • Good. I want to get the inner you.

  • Not with that.

  • Well, that's just for carving.

  • That's what I'm afraid of.

  • (LAUGHS) Not for carving you, for carving your likeness.

  • Oh.

  • Now, let's see a little more of the Addams character.

  • Now we're getting somewhere.

  • Mmm-hmm.

  • Uh-huh.

  • Yes.

  • Now, a little more to the right.

  • (CREAKING)

  • More.

  • (CREAKING)

  • Keep going.

  • Excellent.

  • Are you sure you're getting enough of my personality?

  • Try it in reverse.

  • (CREAKING)

  • Back up a little.

  • Keep going.

  • Perfect.

  • Yes, but are you sure you're getting the real me?

  • You're right. Let's have the real, the true, the unadorned you.

  • Beautiful.

  • And now for immortality.

  • Don't move, don't look, don't even breathe.

  • Don't worry, I'll...

  • Don't!

  • That's it. Hold it.

  • By Jove, I think I've done it.

  • Why, Gomez, you're the Michelangelo of Halloween pumpkins.

  • How do you like it so far?

  • Darling, you have the soul of an artist and the touch of a surgeon.

  • Halloween always inspires me.

  • Are you looking forward to the guests

  • who might come in tonight for trick-or-treat?

  • Oh, yes.

  • And the children are so excited about going out.

  • Good.

  • I'd better see to the punch and cookies.

  • Always the perfect hostess.

  • GOMEZ: Give us the smile.

  • Ah, Lurch, I see you have the bowl ready.

  • Yes, Mrs. Addams.

  • I think I'll start the punch and let it mellow for a while.

  • You may fix the sandwiches, Lurch.

  • Very good, Mrs. Addams.

  • Hmm, divine.

  • Thank you, Thing.

  • Gomez!

  • Morticia!

  • Yes?

  • Wednesday and Pugsley are all dressed up for trick-or-treat.

  • Well, bring them down, bring them down.

  • (POLICE SIREN WAILING)

  • Hear the siren?

  • That's a police siren.

  • Oh, great, the tank's dry as a bone.

  • Listen, next time we pull a stickup will you get gas?

  • All right, all right, I forgot.

  • Yeah, and you dropped your gun in the getaway.

  • Boy, this sure ain't your night.

  • Come on, let's get out of here before the cops spot us.

  • And I'll take the loot.

  • I don't want you to forget it.

  • I know, you're always mad, Marty.

  • (SIREN WAILING)

  • Hey, the whole area's heating up.

  • We've gotta take cover someplace.

  • (WHISPERS) In there, quiet, behind that tree.

  • Okay.

  • Hey, hey.

  • I could've sworn that gate was closed.

  • Man, you're beginning to give me the creeps.

  • Come on.

  • What's the idea?

  • Why'd you slam it so hard?

  • I was gonna ask you the same thing.

  • How do we look?

  • Mama, these are far too...

  • I agree, Gomez, they're much too startling.

  • They'll scare the wits out of people.

  • Yes. When you knock on neighbors' doors, you'd better say,

  • "Do not be alarmed. We are only little children."

  • PUGSLEY: Can we go now?

  • As soon as your father finishes the jack-o'-lantern.

  • Ah.

  • How do you like it?

  • Thinks it looks like Uncle Fester?

  • Better!

  • Good eye. A true Addams.

  • This joint gives me the willies.

  • Will you get off it? It's probably the house of some sweet little old lady.

  • Now, children, are we ready for trick-or-treat?

  • We're ready, Father.

  • Yeah, let's go.

  • Fine. Now, these are to hold all the goodies you'll get.

  • I've got mine.

  • All right, Mama, we'll escort our little goblins

  • on their Halloween rounds.

  • (DOOR OPENING)

  • There's somebody coming, Marty.

  • (WHISPERS) Yeah, I hear.

  • Will you put the mask away?

  • I don't want them to recognize us.

  • Look, Father, we have visitors.

  • WEDNESDAY: That man has a mask.

  • They must be trick-or-treating.

  • Yes, yes, of course.

  • Don't come any closer.

  • Mama, you must be right.

  • Better make your speech, children.

  • Do not be alarmed.

  • Do not be alarmed.

  • We are only little children.

  • We are only little children.

  • We're on our way to play trick-or-treat, too.

  • Yeah, we're out for Halloween, too.

  • (THUNDER RUMBLING)

  • A perfect night for Halloween.

  • You must come in and celebrate with us.

  • Uh, sorry, we got other plans.

  • (POLICE SIREN WAILING)

  • Um, on second thought, we'll, we'll take you up on that offer.

  • Splendid.

  • Mama, I'll leave the children in your capable hands.

  • Don't keep them out too late.

  • Just long enough to fill up our bags.

  • Goodbye, Father.

  • Morticia, our first guests have arrived.

  • This is my wife. Morticia, this is...

  • How ridiculous!

  • I forgot to ask your names.

  • Look, Mac, if you're thinking you're going to be...

  • I'm Marty and he's Claude.

  • Welcome to our home.

  • Hey, that's quite an outfit you got on, lady.

  • Thank you. I always wear this one for Halloween.

  • Looks real good for Halloween.

  • We always try to get our home in the Halloween mood, too.

  • Yeah, you sure do.

  • I heard voices, Gomez.

  • Who is it? Do we have guests?

  • Indeed we have, Uncle Fester.

  • This is Marty and Claude.

  • Pleased to meet you.

  • You...You folks sure don't hold back on Halloween.

  • It's our favorite holiday.

  • And this is our butler, Lurch.

  • Pal, you top 'em all.

  • Oh, yes, Lurch is tops.

  • Most efficient, too.

  • I forgot to light the pumpkin.

  • It looks just like me. Excuse me.

  • Gentlemen, come over here and I'll give you a treat.

  • Open your bag.

  • Oh, don't start getting cute, mister.

  • Now, now, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

  • I think it's rather heartwarming

  • that adults get in the Halloween spirit.

  • Yeah, but just the same, I ain't...

  • I told you he was efficient.

  • Excuse me, Lurch.

  • Why, you dirty...

  • Take it easy, Marty. Let's see what happens.

  • (EXCLAIMING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

  • It's full of money.

  • Okay, pal, you had your look.

  • Now just hand it over.

  • Morticia, our neighbors have given these gentlemen

  • hundreds of dollars in trick-or-treat.

  • Makes one proud to live in such a neighborhood.

  • And I was going to give you apples.

  • My apologies, gentlemen.

  • There, that's better. Happy Halloween.

  • Uh, would you excuse us a minute?

  • Of course. Go right ahead, gentlemen.

  • (WHISPERING) Did you see what I saw?

  • Yeah, a drawer full of loot.

  • Yeah, and the mask the big guy's got on.

  • We ought to wear something like that the next time we pull a job.

  • I'm gonna find out where he got it.

  • Uh, friend, we've been admiring the mask.

  • Mind telling us where it come from?

  • It is mine.

  • Yeah, I know, but where did...

  • He's for real.

  • (LAUGHING)

  • They're all for real.

  • Must you go?

  • We better, we better.

  • Just when things were beginning to perk up.

  • Can't you stay a bit longer?

  • Uh, not this season, lady.

  • (POLICE SIREN WAILING)

  • Well, since you treated us so nice,

  • I guess we'll stick around for a while.

  • Capital!

  • We'll celebrate in the old tradition.

  • I'll see to the punch.

  • I shall help you, my dear.

  • Oh.

  • Fester, get the Halloween poems from the library.

  • Lurch, you get the tub ready for the bobbing game.

  • You gentlemen make yourselves at home.

  • The cops sounded like they were right outside.

  • Yeah, guess we better stay put for a while.

  • And as long as we gotta stay,

  • we may as well make the most of it.

  • Okay. I'm kind of hungry.

  • Not the food, stupid.

  • You saw that drawer full of money.

  • They probably got a lot of jewelry, too.

  • We'll clean them out, and then we'll scram

  • when the coast is clear.

  • I'm with you, pal.

  • I do think our guests are charming, don't you?

  • Yes, especially the one with the scar.

  • He reminds me of Rupert Styx.

  • (GROANS)

  • He has the same beautiful, beady eyes.

  • I thought we'd agreed, Morticia,

  • never to mention the name of Rupert Styx again.

  • Gomez, darling, you're not still jealous?

  • You were engaged to him.

  • Oh, well, I was just a silly young girl then.

  • I was fascinated by his long fingernails

  • and the way his lip curled when he smiled.

  • He was a handsome devil.

  • Morticia, please never mention his name again.

  • I promise, bubele.

  • Querida mia.

  • When we're together, darling, every night is Halloween.

  • Ah, the punch is ready.

  • (WHISPERS) It's locked. We gotta get a key.

  • We may have to rough 'em up a little.

  • Yeah, well, that's my department.

  • You just watch.

  • It's a good thing one of us is all there tonight.

  • Hey. Here they come.

  • We take 'em.

  • Okay, folks, this is a stickup.

  • MORTICIA: I'm so sorry the children aren't here.

  • They'd be so amused.

  • Let's not rush the food.

  • The punch is ready but first Gomez will read us a Halloween poem.

  • Here's the poem, Gomez.

  • Thank you, Uncle Fester.

  • It's our favorite.

  • No Halloween would seem quite complete without it.

  • Won't you gentlemen please be seated?

  • (WHISPERS) Poem? We'd be better off in jail.

  • Shut up!

  • I'll fix the lights.

  • It'll put us in the proper mood.

  • FESTER: Lurch! To the harpsichord.

  • (SCRAPING)

  • (PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

  • "It was Halloween evening and through the abode

  • "Not a creature was stirring, not even a toad

  • "Jack-o'-lanterns are hung on the gallows with care

  • MORTICIA: "To guide sister witch as she flies through the air"

  • Drawn by eight beautiful bats.

  • GOMEZ: "And she calls out to them

  • "Come Flitter, come Flutter Come Flapper and Flyer

  • "Come Chitter, come Chatter, Come Vicious Vampire"

  • Oh, excuse me.

  • Is something wrong?

  • Good heavens!

  • What in the world brought that on?

  • It's obvious. They just don't like poetry.

  • Ah, gentlemen, I'm so glad you decided to stay.

  • You are staying, aren't you?

  • Uh, if you say so.

  • We, we, we like you folks.

  • Wonderful. Now we'll have some real fun.

  • Yes, we're going to play an old-fashioned Halloween game.

  • Game?

  • Yes, a bobbing game.

  • Please, if you don't mind, we'll just sit here quiet for a while and then scram.

  • No, you must play.

  • Okay, okay, if you say so.

  • Sure.

  • We used to play the game. Marty, you remember.

  • Oh, yeah, that's where everybody kneels around a tub and bobs for the apples.

  • Apples? Apples?

  • Well, what do you bob for?

  • Look, Marty.

  • We call it bobbing for the crab.

  • A real challenge.

  • Yeah, but that crab's alive.

  • And full of snap, too.

  • That's the challenge.

  • GOMEZ: Great sport.

  • I'll go first.

  • Uncle Fester, no.

  • That honor belongs to our guests.

  • Oh, no, no, no, no. You go ahead, pal.

  • No, I was rude.

  • Oh, we like rudeness.

  • Please, we insist.

  • After you, Claude.

  • No, be my guest.

  • (FOGHORN SOUNDING)

  • I'll get it. It's probably some more trick-or-treaters.

  • Darling, ask them in.

  • I just love Halloween.

  • Well, now, those are interesting costumes.

  • These are not costumes. We're police officers.

  • GOMEZ: Oh, well, come in.

  • Just checking the neighborhood.

  • Everything all right here?

  • Oh, yes, fine.

  • We're just getting into the Halloween spirit. Care to join us?

  • (WATER BUBBLING)

  • Uh, no, thanks, we're on a manhunt.

  • Nice night for it.

  • You won, you won.

  • Both won.

  • Ole, ole.

  • Please get it off.

  • Get it off!

  • (GRUNTING)

  • Isn't that absolutely amazing?

  • Would you like to try it again?

  • Try it again? I'd rather wrestle a lion.

  • Would you? Wonderful.

  • MORTICIA: Kitty? Here Kitty, Kitty.

  • (GROWLING)

  • No!

  • No!

  • (YELPING)

  • Poor Kitty. Just terrified of people.

  • Well, it's my turn now.

  • (WATER BUBBLING)

  • Cops or no cops, we'd better blow before we get killed.

  • But it bugs me to leave all that loot in the drawer.

  • They wanna play games, we'll play 'em a game.

  • A game that'll get us the loot.

  • Look, money isn't everything.

  • It's enough.

  • Hey, folks. Claude and I got a game we wanna play.

  • It's called hide-and-seek.

  • Hide-and-seek?

  • (GROANING)

  • Sounds rather mild compared to bobbing for crabs.

  • Uh, it'll fool you.

  • Goody. Let's try it.

  • I'm not having much luck down here.

  • Well, Claude and I'll be "it," see, and everybody else scrams and hides.

  • Then what happens?

  • We find you.

  • Yes?

  • Then we hide.

  • And you find us.

  • Yes?

  • That's it.

  • Excuse us for a moment.

  • (WHISPERING) My dear, I think we made a terrible mistake

  • inviting those two men in.

  • You do?

  • Hide-and-seek?

  • Well, I'll admit it is a bit eccentric.

  • And they are rather strange.

  • But, after all, they're guests in our home.

  • You're right. Addams hospitality.

  • You're ready?

  • Ready.

  • Okay, now everybody hides and we'll count to ten.

  • MARTY: Pal, we're ready.

  • Goody. I love games.

  • You, too.

  • (GROANING)

  • Okay, here we go.

  • One, two, three,

  • four, five, six...

  • Knock it off. Get the drawer open.

  • Hurry up!

  • Okay, okay.

  • Oh, boy.

  • I can't wait to get out that door.

  • Okay. Come on.

  • Okay.

  • This loot will pay us back for all the trouble we went through.

  • It's locked!

  • Now what?

  • Break the window.

  • Did you, did you, did you...

  • Let's get out of here!

  • They're not seeking very hard.

  • Strange game.

  • They must want us to win.

  • Very sporting.

  • Now, two of them went in there and the big guy's back there.

  • (MUFFLED SCREAMING)

  • This way.

  • (GROANING)

  • Let's go.

  • What's the matter with them?

  • Well, they ask us to hide and then they just run off.

  • Couple of oddballs.

  • They'll be all right. Look.

  • Those nice policemen are helping them into their squad car.

  • Probably going to give them a lift home.

  • (POLICE SIREN WAILING)

  • Darling, did you pay your dues to the Zen-Yogi society?

  • My dear, I'm a paid-up member.

  • This is their latest position.

  • Oh.

  • Are you comfortable?

  • Don't I look it?

  • Of course.

  • Is there anything new in the paper tonight?

  • Oh, nothing much.

  • A revolution in South America,

  • a war in Asia, a flood...

  • Oh, here's something.

  • It says our friends, Marty and Claude, were sent up the river.

  • Good. They needed a vacation.

The Addams family

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