This question was actually submitted from a woman named Maribel.

She emailed in, and Maribel writes this: I'd love to know how to communicate better with men when I feel defensive.

"I want to turn our misfortunes into opportunities to build a greater bond with him."

"I'm not trying to be the image of perfect, but rather a real human being with vulnerabilities."

Maribel, that is a great question, and one that every single one of us should be asking.

Because defensiveness is like a cancer that can get into our communication and actually kill the relationship.

And it's important to know that that feeling of defensiveness that we all get, actually comes from this desire to be valued, and to not lose the relationship in the first place.

For example, if your partner is complaining, saying you haven't spent any time with them this week, and you can think of two times this week that you've hung out.

And you start to get defensive.

That defensiveness comes from this fear of not being seen as enough or not contributing enough and the possibility of losing this relationship.

The irony of this is that the defensiveness is actually the thing that pushes them away more.

It's the thing that drives a wedge between you and your partner.

Because when you try to prove why they're wrong and why you're right, it actually shuts the other person down.

They don't feel heard, they don't feel cared about, and there's no connection going on in that moment.

So here are three words that you can say when your man is upset, that can help transform your disagreements.

When he is upset and he is complaining or blaming you for something that didn't go right...

Instead of getting defensive, instead of arguing your side, say these three words: "Tell me more."

Those three magic words have the power to transform that moment.

Most people get defensive, they argue their side, but when you say, "Tell me more".

And, caveat here, you have to say it from a sincere, authentic place of curiosity.

You cannot say it from this cynical place of sarcasm like, "Well, tell me more, Mr. Perfect.”

Do not say that.

Be sincere, say, "Tell me more."

That gives him an opportunity to fully express his point of view, to fully express how he feels and what he wants out of this particular scenario.

The next step is after he shares that, repeat it back to him, "So what I hear you saying is this" , and acknowledge how he feels.

This will be magic in the relationship because when someone feels heard and someone feels acknowledged, then, and only then, are they truly open to hearing your point of view.

Now, be aware, if what he's saying after you've asked him, "Tell me more," is skewed or incorrect, because chances are it will be.

Because it's his perspective, and it's different than yours.

Instead of looking for all the reasons he's wrong, seek out the threads of truth in what he's saying and acknowledge those.

And here's why this is so effective.

People will open up and are much more willing to hear your side when they first feel heard and understood.

So the next time you're in an argument with your partner, instead of getting defensive and showing them why they're wrong,

Show them love and compassion by using these three magic words, "Tell me more."

So now I would love to hear from you.

What strategies really work for you when you're in an argument with your partner, or someone significant in your life?

What strategy really works for you in defusing that argument and coming back to a place of connection?

Go ahead and post your comments, your thoughts below in the comments section.

I love reading your comments.

And feel free to share this video.

If there's someone that you want better connection with in your life, share this video with them.

So you can both know these three magic words of "Tell me more."

And, as always, I posted a link to a great resource in this video and also in the description that will help you understand the hearts and minds of men.

Help you expand your heart to love even further.

So go ahead, take a moment, click that link, get that resource.

It will greatly serve you.

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Thanks so much for watching this video and I will see you soon.