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  • So Mr. Hanson.

  • As you know we have all prospective employees take a lie detector test prior to joining our firm.

  • So if you don’t mind we're going to begin with a couple of control questions.

  • Should I be hooked up to something?

  • With the old system, yes.

  • But with the new Lie Detector 3000, it's programmed to go off when it hears you tell a lie.

  • For example, go ahead and tell an obvious lie.

  • Grass is blue.

  • [BEEP]

  • I am a tall, black man.

  • [BEEP]

  • I’ve never seen Jersey Shore.

  • [BEEP]

  • I love it. I’ve never missed one.

  • I’ve heard good things.

  • Now go ahead and say something that is true so we can properly calibrate the machine.

  • I have a twelve-inch penis.

  • That’s kind of weird, it should have gone off.

  • Why?

  • Because there's no way you

  • I have a twelve-inch penis.

  • Actually, it might be thirteen.

  • [BEEP]

  • No?

  • I guess it’s twelve.

  • Wait, seriously?

  • Hey Mike, did you get a chance to email me those mission statements?

  • Uh yeah! I did it last night.

  • [BEEP]

  • I did it this morning.

  • [BEEP]

  • All right! I haven't even started yet.

  • Wow Mike, you're the best!

  • [BEEP]

  • You suck. I’ll be back at my desk working.

  • [BEEP]

  • I’ll be playing Angry Birds on my phone.

  • Please state your full name?

  • Dane Christopher Hanson.

  • Is it true you that reside at 1444 North Sierra Bonita Avenue?

  • Yes. Apartment 3.

  • How do you do it, man?

  • Oh, when I moved here I went on Westside Rentals.

  • No

  • It’s like 80 dollars.

  • No, how do you live with a twelve-inch penis. I mean, how is that even possible?

  • Okay, I’m getting a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning.

  • I'm sorry, I’m sorry. Youre right.

  • I mean it’s just that twelve-inches, that is like a freaking beef bus! You know what I’m sayin’?

  • Why are you- why are you so concerned about my penis anyhow? I mean, are you gay or something?

  • What? No!

  • [BEEP]

  • Hey! Nobody loves pussy more than I do!

  • [BEEP]

  • All right. I'm a flaming homosexual. But do me a favor?

  • Don't tell anybody because nobody knows.

  • [BEEP]

  • Everybody knows.

  • So wait, tell people?

  • No!

  • Have you ever been fired from a job before?

  • No.

  • [BEEP]

  • 3 times.

  • Have you ever stolen from an employer before?

  • No.

  • [BEEP]

  • All right! Dammit!

  • How much would you say you've stolen before?

  • Hundred dollars.

  • [BEEP]

  • 500 dollars.

  • [BEEP]

  • So much I’ve lost count.

  • [BEEP]

  • 44,793 dollars.

  • That’s a lot of money, Dane.

  • Well-

  • I had Cancer.

  • [BEEP]

  • I bought a boat.

  • And named it Cancer.

  • I'm going to be honest, Dane. This interview is going really well.

  • Yeah?

  • [BEEP]

  • No. This is the worst interview I’ve ever been a part of.

  • Normally, you’d be gone.

  • However, company policy dictates I ask you one final question.

  • Okay.

  • Would you ever have sex with a man in order to get a job?

  • No.

  • [BEEP]

  • Welcome to the firm.

So Mr. Hanson.

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