Has one snack of peanuts and water.

Oh, hi, I'm not doing anything suspicious.

Have you ever had a certain person you think is really awesome, and you want to spend all your time with them?

You write their name over and over again in your journal.

You make sacrifices to an effigy of them made of glitter and straw.

No? Just me?

Okay.

Your first instinct might be to jump down a well or into a bottomless mine where you will seamlessly assimilate into bat culture, because crushes are terrible.

They consume your thoughts.

Does this person like me?

Will they ever talk to me?

How can I make them like me?

Oh, God, maybe they're dating someone.

Just chill, relax.

Do you want a massage?

No? Personal space, I get it, I get it.

First things first, try your darndest not to stalk them on the Internet.

The only thing that results in is more anxiety.

You start thinking everyone in every picture is their significant other.

Is that a cousin or a girlfriend?

Is that a grandpa or a sugar daddy?

It's confusing, I know.

The bad news, you can't force anyone to like you.

Usually, when you do that, they end up not liking you at all.

Just sending some letters.

Come in.

Excuse me, sir.

Huh?

Have you seen a young lady around here, about yea high, pink hair?

Nope, nothing like that.

Okay, I'll see myself out.

That's the third time this week.

I'm gonna tell you a secret that's only been transcribed in the oldest, most ancient and spooky of tomes.

The absolute only way to get your crush to notice you: talk to them.

Use those weird flaps you call lips and form noises into words in their general direction.

Find out about them, their favorite brand of toothpaste, what kind of masks they like to wear, normal stuff.

If you say nothing, they'll never know you're interested, as friends or otherwise.

People are nicer than we give them credit for.

We imagine the worst, but inside, everyone's a weird, wiggly ball of anxiety.

And even if it doesn't work out, you did something that took courage, and that's something to be proud of.

Changing your clothes or acting differently and hopes they take notice and ask you out just won't work.

Think, would that work on you?

Hmmmmmmm...?

And besides, if you have to change yourself to gain their attention, they're not worth it.

Good luck, you loopy lovesick weirdos.

Well, you've got a crush to talk to, and I've got a plane to Fiji to catch.

See you later. (sirens wailing)