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- From Comedy Central's world news headquarters
in New York, "The Daily Show with Trevor Noah" presents...
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- If you think Donald Trump has problems with Muslim women,
wait until you hear what British politician
Boris Johnson said this week.
- Boris Johnson set out to criticize Denmark
for banning burqas in a recent column for "The Telegraph,"
but instead, he became the subject of scrutiny himself
after insulting the women who wear them.
Johnson said, among other things...
- What?
You know what's crazy about this story?
It's that he said that while criticizing Denmark
for banning the burqa.
Like, he was, like, "How dare you target
"these mailbox-looking people?
"You guys need to work on your tolerance, you--
what, what, now I'm in trouble? Oh, I see what happened."
Damn, Boris. Like, the guy probably
had one bad experience putting a letter
inside a woman with a burqa, and now he's trying
to play it off like we all get them confused.
And also, just--by the way, maybe Boris Johnson
isn't the best person to be criticizing
the way other people look. All right?
Like, maybe he should be wearing a burqa.
Like, what's going on over there?
Look at this guy! He looks like he just
got out of the shower, but somehow,
it made him dirtier. That's what he looks like.
Like, Boris Johnson looks like if Donald Trump drank.
That's what he looks like. He looks like if Owen Wilson
was addicted to meth and chocolate.
That's what he looks like.
[whimsical music]
♪ ♪
- Nearly three years after voting
to leave the European Union,
the UK still can't figure out how to actually do it.
Right now, Brexit is the world's
biggest "escape the room." That's all this is.
Everyone's just confused, like,
[British accent] "Have you tried writing
a new trade agreement?"
"Doesn't work, it's not working."
"What about the Irish border?" "It's stuck, it's stuck."
"Expelliarmus!" "That's not a real thing."
"Well, it was worth a try."
[Scottish accent] "Ah, or we could just
"stay in the room. I like the room.
I don't want to leave the room."
[British accent] "Well, bloody hell, it wouldn't
be an 'escape the room' if we didn't escape, did it?"
"Well, I know this seems complicated,
but let me break it down for you."
"John Oliver!
John Oliver, you're here to save us."
"No, actually, I live in America now,
"so this is your [bleep] problem.
"But I do have a very funny way to explain
"how totally [bleep] screwed you are.
So bloody [bleep] screwed."
"Oh, my God!" So that's basically Brexit.
Uh--
[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
[soft string music]
♪ ♪
The British parliament, this week,
has been working on a vote for their upcoming Brexit deal,
and it has been a complete shitshow.
Or as the British call it, a parade of poo.
And yesterday, one MP snapped.
- A liberal member of the House of Commons did this.
He took matters into his own hands
by attempting to remove the mace from the chamber.
Now, the mace is basically a gold crown
on a five foot gold stick.
It represents the authority of the Queen in Parliament,
and without the mace in the room,
they can't meet or pass laws.
- Put it down, put it back. No, no, no, no, no.
Order, order. No, no, no.
- Okay.
[laughter]
First of all, they can still make the laws.
It's just a stick.
And secondly, that was the most British heist
I've ever seen in my life.
It was like, "Pardon me, I'll be stealing this now.
Pardon me, pardon me."
And the other guy is like, "Actually, sir,
please refrain from that."
"You're right, there you are. Good day, good day."
And I also like that the Queen got so sick
of showing up in Parliament meetings,
she was just, like, "You know what?
"From now on, this stick is in charge.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
spend some tax money on my 14th corgi."
[bright music]
♪ ♪
Just look at the British healthcare system.
Yes, you guys might have universal coverage
for all your citizens, but for one patient,
you done [bleep] up.
- A man has been mistakenly circumcised
while under the care of Leicester's Hospital,
according to a new report.
The patient was meant to be having a procedure
to look inside his bladder using a thin camera.
The error was revealed by the clinical commissioning group
in compiling so-called "never events"
because they should never happen.
- Oh, my word.
A patient was accidentally circumcised.
That is messed up.
Have you ever gone to the barber,
and then, they took a little too much off your hair?
Remember how you freaked out, yeah?
Now imagine if that happened to your dick.
Huh? Imagine.
Because you can't wear a hat on your dick to cover it up.
Yeah, you can't be, like,
"Sorry, it's just so bright out today.
The sun gets in my dick's eyes, yeah."
Accidentally circumcised?
Now I'm worried that they switched other charts.
Like, so someone else in the hospital
went home with an extra foreskin.
The friend was, like,
"I thought you were just getting Botox."
It's like, "That's what I thought, too!"
[laughter]
[applause]
And it's not just Britain's health service having issues.
It's also one of their airline companies.
Because British Airways-- you guys can say it with me.
all: You done [bleep] up!
- A British Airways flight headed for Germany
mistakenly ended up in Scotland.
- BA3271's supposed to fly from London
straight over the English channel and onto Germany.
Instead, the plane took off to the north,
flew over most of England before crossing
into Scotland and landing in Edinburgh.
The problem: A ground stamper typed the wrong airport code
into the flight plan and no one noticed.
The pilots assumed they were supposed to go to Edinburgh.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. British Airways
was trying to fly to Germany and flew to Scotland instead?
Man, Brexit is screwed.
I don't know how Britain is going to leave Europe
if they can't even find their way out of their own country.
Brexit will probably end up, like,
"We did it, we're out of the EU!"
We're inde--no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, we're still in the EU.
And now, somehow, we've also joined the WNBA.
[laughter]
♪ ♪
- Moving onto my favorite story of the year,
and possibly my favorite story in my entire life.
- The concertina wire, or the razor wire
used to reinforce the US/Mexico border
is being stolen and sold by Tijuana residents
for protection due to the city's high crime rate,
according to officials.
Some homes in the area were also seen
with the same razor wire added
for an extra layer of protection,
but residents refused to say where they got the material.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, no, I'm sorry, guys. This is insane.
You heard that right. Mexico is stealing the wall.
[laughter]
Oh, man, oh, man, I wish I could have been there
when Donald Trump saw this story on the news.
Knowing him, he'd probably be, like,
"They did what? Nancy, I'm going to need
"you to spot me another $8 billion.
We're going to need another wall to protect the first one."
And I mean, now, if they're stealing
razor wire for their houses,
they might as well just steal the whole wall next, right?
Because no one's ever thought of that.
It was, like, "America will build a wall."
No one ever thought Mexico will steal it.
Like, Mexicans will be showing off
their new home security system, like--
"I built a wall around my house,
and Donald Trump paid for it."
[cheers and applause]
Oh, man.
Oh, wow.
Like, at this rate, at this rate,
Trump is just going to end up building all of Tijuana up.
They're going to start putting in requests from Mexico.
They'll be, like, "You know what's really good
"for keeping us out, Señor Trump?
"Yeah, garage doors, man.
"You should put those at the border.
"The ones that fold. Yeah, they scare us.
Almost as much as patio furniture, man."
[bright music]
We have to talk about the big news of the day.
And I mean big news.
- A man in Australia believes he owns
the largest steer in the country.
So this is the herd. Wait for it.
Look at this thing.
We're going to see it in just a second.
Oh, my goodness. - Oh, my gosh.
- Whoa, his name is Knickers.
- He is 6'4'' tall, and weighs almost 3,000 pounds.
That's almost as tall as Michael Jordan,
and as heavy as a Mini Cooper.
- Sweet Jesus.
[laughter]
I know there's tons of news
happening in the world right now.
I know there's Trump. I know there's things in Brexit
with Britain, I know. But look at that thing!
What is going on in Australia?
Why is every animal down under so weird?
Every animal. Their ducks have fur.
The kangaroos have a built-in tummy purse.
Like, I feel like Australia's
doping all their animals like they're Russian athletes.
There's just some crazy guy in Australia who's, like,
"Oh, yeah, I'm finished with my super spiders.
Now I'll make a cow the size of Michael Jordan."
What are you guys doing down there?
And honestly, like, that cow is so glorious, right?
I bet it's so glorious that last night,
the Pope converted to Hinduism.
He was, like, "You know what, they're right.
"Cows, man.
I've been rolling with Jesus for too long."
Now, when I saw this giant cow,
the first thing I thought was "this is some dope weed."
But a lot of other people saw that cow
and they took it to a really dark place.
- His massive size is also what saved him.
Knickers is too big for the meat processing facility,
so he will live out the rest of his life with his herd.
- He's too heavy for the abattoir,
so he'll leave out his days in the paddock.
- Unfortunately, some bad news if you like
an extra big T-bone steak.
- Why are you trying to eat the giant cow?
[laughter]
The world only has one giant cow,
and your only thought is "Supersize me!"
Just eat two normal cows. It tastes the same.
Why are people trying to kill the cow?
You know what, luckily,
even if they want to, they can't kill him.
He cannot fit inside the abattoir.
Which, by the way, is such a white people problem to have.
Because in Africa, they'd be, like,
"No, we can kill that cow. We can find a way."
Don't worry about the machine. We can kill that cow."
But luckily, in Australia, they can't kill him, yeah.
So Knickers the cow can do whatever he wants.
Like, what are you going to do about it?
He's unkillable, yeah. Like, I'm hoping that one day
the farmer's going to come home,
he's going to find the cow sitting on his couch
watching his TV with his arm around his wife.
And the farmer's going to be, like,
[Australian accent] "Bloody hell, cow!
What are you doing in my house?"
And cow's going to be, like, "Look at me, look at me!
I am the farmer now."
[bright music]
♪ ♪
It's back to school all over the world,
and in China, one principal made sure
that this year was extra memorable.
- When you drop your kid off at kindergarten this morning,
you probably aren't expecting to be met
with a pole-dancing display,
but that's exactly what happened in China,
and now, a principal is, well, out of a job.
Hundreds of parents and children watched
as a pole dancer performed on a flag pole
with the Chinese flag on top.
- Wow, wow.
The principal brought a pole dancer
to a kindergarten. That is hilarious.
It's also funny how they said hundreds of children
and parents watched that pole dancer, right?
Because you realize the parents could have
stopped it immediately, but clearly, they were, like--
"This is outrageous! Let's see where it goes.
Let's see where it goes."
♪ ♪
- If you think you're addicted to Postmates,
it's nothing compared to what's happening in Nigeria.
- The government in Nigeria is trying to cut down
on imported food, saying that the imports
are hurting the local economy,
and apparently, British pizza is on the list.
While complaining about trade imports,
a politician in Nigeria claimed that his fellow citizens
are importing pizza from the UK.
- Okay, okay, okay, first of all, first of all.
British pizza?
[laughter]
You're telling me Nigerians are flying past Italy
to get British pizza?
While you're at it, why not fly past Amsterdam
to get weed in Romania? Like, what are you doing?
This is so extra. So the story is rich Nigerians
send people to Britain to buy them pizza.
Yeah, which is such a waste of money and time.
And also, I can't imagine what
the plots in Nigerian porn movies are like, you know?
It's, like, "Oh, no, it seems like I don't have any money
for this pizza. How will I pay?"
He's, like, "You don't have money?
"I just took a $4,000 flight to pick up this, lady.
"I'm going to need you to put on some clothes
"and get some cash, huh?
"Boobs don't pay for pepperoni, okay?
Get some money, get some money."
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
This is a weird story. Uh, the lightsaber.
It's the second-most stroked wand by "Star Wars" fans.
And you may mock them, but soon,
you can mock them at the Olympics.
- It's now easier for "Star Wars" fans
to act out their fantasies if they're in France.
The French Fencing Federation originally and officially
recognizing lightsaber dueling as a competitive sport.
- That means LED-lit,
polycarbonate "Star Wars" replicas
have the same status as blades used by Olympic fencers.
- Oh, hell yeah.
This is so dope. Are you kidding me?
This is fun.
Lightsaber battles at the Olympics.
They're fighting competitively, and to make it more exciting
for these professional lightsaber fighters,
the winner of the tournament
gets to see a boob for the first time.
Yeah!
[imitates lightsaber whooshing]
And now, I know there's a lot of haters out there
that are, like, "Oh, this isn't a real sport.
It's just some made up nonsense."
Yeah, and you know what?
All sports are made up nonsense, all right?
I don't know if you've seen the Olympics,
but it's all made-up nonsense.
A guy pushes a ball off of his shoulder
and they give him a gold medal. What is that, huh?
That's not a sport. Then another guy is, like,
"What if we put a ball on the end of a chain?
Just swing that around."
Yeah, you can have a gold medal, too.
It's just as ridiculous as lightsabers.
I mean, there's that ribbon sport.
What is that? Where someone just was probably
playing with their cat.
They were just, like, doing that thing,
and they're, like, "Gold medal."
It's all ridiculous!
[bright music]
♪ ♪
You know sometimes, we spend so much covering
America's history of racial injustice,
we forget where it all began.
Europe: The OG of racism.
Yeah, if America is Jacquees, Europe is the real king of R&B.
[laughter]
White people, ask your black friend what that joke means.
They'll explain it to you.
And right now in Europe, when they're not
flipping cars over and setting them on fire,
they're having a major debate about what to do
with all the art that they borrowed
permanently by force from Africa.
And according to the president of France,
it should all be returned.
- President Emmanuel Macron argues it's unacceptable
that around 90% of Africa's artistic heritage
is outside Africa, and says French law
should be changed to make restitution possible.
- Speaking in Burkina Faso, he said it was wrong
for only Europeans and Americans
to have access to African art.
In five years, he wanted to start the process
of temporary or definitive restitution.
- [speaking French]
[cheers and applause]
- Yeah, that's pretty amazing.
Yeah, I think that's pretty amazing.
And it's very nice of the French president.
Although--although, it is going to be weird
when Africa gets all the sculptures back,
and Africans are, like, "Wait a second.
"Why do these sculptures smell
"like cigarettes and threesomes, huh?
What's going on here?"
Although, honestly, I do think if after profiting
off of all of this art of all these years,
they're just going to give it back.
I don't think that's enough. I think France
should give the art back with interest, yeah.
They should.
[cheers and applause]
I think Africa should choose some European art.
They should be like, "Okay, thank you for
"giving us that art back.
"We will also take that creepy white lady
and the guy with the tiny penis, eh?"
[laughter]
But it's kudos. Kudos to Macron.
He's doing something. And unfortunately,
not everyone in Europe is as remorseful as Macron.
In fact, some Europeans in the art world
believe that they did Africa a favor by stealing our shit.
- It was meant to disappear? It was meant to disappear?
That is some next-level shade.
This asshole is saying that when Africans
made stuff like this,
they didn't know that they were making art.
So if this wasn't art,
what did Africans think they were making?
The world's most uncomfortable butt plug?
What were they making?
And then, you have the Europeans who say
they wish they could return the art for Africa, they really do.
But they just don't think Africa is ready
for that kind of responsibility.
- Western museums have often resisted
repatriating art, arguing that they
can take better care of it.
- It's one of these that looks like, morally,
on its face, give it back to who it belongs.
Well, who does it belong to? And it hasn't been
in that country for over a hundred years,
and you know, look.
France build the whole Museé le Baule
to respect these objects.
To preserve them. To show them.
- Yeah, yeah, what, how is Africa going to--
you know, this is some sneaky-ass
logic if you think about it.
Because their argument is basically
"You Africans cannot protect your art.
We know that because we stole it from you, huh?
We took it all.
♪ ♪
- "USA Today" reports the NBA
and the International Basketball Federation
plan to launch a 12-team league in Africa.
Former president Barack Obama is expected
to play a key role in that league.
Scheduled for launch in January 2020,
the basketball Africa league
will be the NBA's first collaboration
to run a pro sports league outside of North America.
- That's right, the NBA is launching
a 12-team basketball league in Africa,
which is bound to be awkward
when they're trying to recruit players.
And they'll get there, like, "Hey, Africa.
"So, America is searching
"for the biggest, strongest people you have.
"There's going to be a draft.
"The owners are going to pick who they like best.
So what do you guys say?"
Africans would be, like, "Ah, white man,
"we are not falling for that again, ah?
"Not this time, not this time, eh?
"Enslave me once, shame on you.
Enslave me twice, shame on me, eh?"
[laughter]
[bright music]
♪ ♪
Some news from South Africa
about a guy who did the Circle Of Life Challenge.
- And a disturbing story out of South Africa.
Park authorities from Kruger National Park
say a skull and this pair of pants
was all that was left behind of a suspected poacher
who was killed by an elephant, and then eaten by lions.
- Wow, killed by an elephant, and then eaten by lions.
This story has all the jungle A-listers.
It's a South African Tarantino film.
That's what this is.
And I know--I know a lot of people are celebrating
this story because it feels like karma or whatever.
But I'll be honest, I feel sad for the elephants.
All right, because lions kill every day,
but an elephant never forgets. Yeah.
It's going to wake up in the middle of the night, like--
"I can still see his face, Margaret!"
[cries]
[imitates elephant trumpeting]
[laughter]
Oh, and here's a weird detail.
My favorite detail in the story
is after the elephant killed the poacher,
and the lions ate him, all they found
was a skull and pants.
Which means somewhere out there is a lion with a new shirt.
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What in the World? | The Daily Show

219 Folder Collection
zoqwu published on June 12, 2019
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