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  • Come on, Eileen, to-loo-rye-ay

  • Now you have grown, now you have shown

  • Oh, Eileen

  • Said, come on, Eileen

  • ♪ I need to-loo-rye-ay

  • Come on, I need to-loo-rye-ay

  • Now I must say, more than ever

  • Things round here have changed, I said

  • Too-ra, loo-ra, too-ra, loo-rye-ay

  • ♪..verge on dirty

  • Ah, come on, Eileen

  • What are you doing playing army on Sunday morning? You're missing Grange Hill.

  • The TA is no game, Tim.

  • It isn't the TA, Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.

  • You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking "It's Sunday, I'd rather be in bed."

  • And you're thinking "It's Sunday, I'd rather be in Apocalypse Now."

  • That's easy for you to say. What are you doing later on?

  • - It's classified. - Why don't you come round? I'm bored.

  • I can't - combat canoeing.

  • I'm learning to Eskimo roll with a two-stone rucksack on my back, holding a loaded rifle.

  • They don't have rifles in the Rough Ramblers, Mike.

  • - Hand grenades? - No.

  • - Anthrax? - Mike!

  • Listen, Tim, gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger Bravo Tango Alpha.

  • Come on, Mike.

  • - Yay! Danny Kendall's about to die.

  • ''

  • You're right, that is better than when Jeremy went into the swimming pool

  • to retrieve Fay's necklace and suffered a brain embolism.

  • Bronson's got to pay.

  • Bronson's got to pay!

  • Tim, Bronson's got to pay. He's got a toupee.

  • Can I bring the bike in? Your landlady's got the look of a bike thief about her.

  • What, ageing female divorcee? What's she gonna do, sell it to buy Jacob's Creek?

  • Don't get sarky, that bike's my living. Not like you pretending to be a struggling cartoonist,

  • poncing off the state while decent taxpayers like me fund your drink problem.

  • I wouldn't mind so much, but you seem to be having such a shit time.

  • Anyway, I was just coming back from a club, right, passed your gaff and I remembered -

  • you owe me 20 quid.

  • Daisy, this is Tyres, he bikes my drawings round for me.

  • Tyres! Yeah, Tim told me he had more than one friend,

  • I didn't believe him, but here you are - it's The Village Of The Damned!

  • - Are youse two...? - What, hand? I don't...

  • - Are youse two an item?

  • No! No.That's... No. Well...

  • No, Daisy's not like that. That's funny, that's actually funny.

  • - No, we're just mates, aren't we? Chums. - Get off me!

  • Oh, I see, youse are er... "friends".

  • - Yeah. - Yeah.

  • Did you want a cup of tea, Tyres?

  • I couldn't eat a thing, my stomach's like a walnut.

  • - Can't you even have tea? - No, no solids.

  • - Something orange? - Er, water?

  • Water? OK.

  • - Hello? What, already?

  • All right. I'll see you later.

  • - Who was that? - It was Mike.

  • He just nearly drowned doing an Eskimo roll. He put too many pebbles in his rucksack.

  • Last time I seen Mike he was on Crimewatch.

  • No, that was a case of mistaken identity. Police had his house surrounded last week.

  • - No, this was about two months ago. - Oh, yeah, that was him.

  • What did you do last night?

  • Last night? Last night was A1, tip-top, clubbing jam fair.

  • It was a sandwich of fun on ecstasy bread, wrapped up in a bag like disco fudge.

  • Doesn't get much better than that. I just wish I could control these fucking mood swings!

  • So what did youse two friends do last night?

  • Oh, we just stayed in, didn't we? Had a laugh, played Scrabble.

  • Six. Seven. Six.

  • Live, or live.

  • Shazam. It is a word. It is a word. I've got a pile of comics this big.

  • - Captain Marvel says it. - It's a nonsense invented word.

  • You're only doing that so you can use Z. Take it off, it's not a word.

  • Pro V. Pantene Pro V.

  • You can't have Pantene Pro V!

  • It's the ingredient in the shampoo that makes the hair silky and smooth!

  • It's a word they made up to make shampoo sound important!

  • You're so naive. I cannot believe...

  • It probably isn't a word!

  • Fuck!

  • - What? - The last four letters you threw spelt "fuck".

  • Oh. What do you think that means?

  • I see. So you skipped the sex part and went straight to the Scrabble.

  • I can't get my head round this platonic inter-gender relationship malarkey.

  • It just doesn't seem right.

  • Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having a chinwag with a honey,

  • but I just like to do it after waggling her chin, you know what I mean?

  • - Yeah. - You like to waggle your willie on her chin?

  • Don't come your post-feminist, art-school bollocks with me, sunflower,

  • if that's your real frigging name, all right?

  • - I work for a living. What do you do? - I write, actually.

  • Oh, do you? In other words, you're on the dole.

  • So anyway, are youse two friends coming out with me tonight or what?

  • - No money. - I'll lend you the money.

  • - I already owe you 20 quid. - Do you?

  • No.

  • - Oh, look, there's Madonna. - Where?

  • - So we'll see you later, then, yeah? - Cool, right.

  • OK, I'm going off for a shower, a shit and a shave. I'll be back for youse about eleven.

  • Pack your party bags, people, cos tonight is gonna be a large one, all right?

  • Be lucky! Oi-oi!

  • - What was all that about Madonna? - Tyres has got a really short attention span.

  • I remember once... Oh, look, wrestling.

  • - Get the stick, get the stick! - Come on.

  • - Aargh! - Sorry, mate.

  • - Bastard! - Sorry. God.

  • I haven't been to a club in ages. I think we should ask Brian to come.

  • I don't really see Brian throwing shapes in the church of dance, do you?

  • Well, he might if we ask Twist to come.

  • - Brian and Twist? - Yeah! Get with the programme!

  • - Although Tyres'll think we're double-dating. - Urgh.

  • He was funny, wasn't he?

  • What did you mean when you said "Daisy's not like that"?

  • - I never said that. - You did.

  • He said "Are you two...?" and you said "No, Daisy's not like that."

  • - I just wondered what you meant. - I just meant... I meant you're not like that.

  • I don't see you in that way.

  • - What am I? Chopped liver? - I wish!

  • You're too hung up on your ex-girlfriend to even notice the existence of another woman.

  • Who said that?!

  • No, I'm serious. I'm serious, I think you've got a big problem.

  • Shut up! You don't know anything about my problems!

  • Yes, I do. Half a bottle of Galliano and that's all you talk about.

  • - Bloody Galliano. - No, it's an obsession, Tim, it's unhealthy.

  • I heard you call her name out in your sleep the other night.

  • How did you know I was asleep?

  • Why would you call her name out if you were awake?

  • All I'm saying is I think you've got a V big problem with your ex-G-friend.

  • Just back off, will you? What do you care about what I do, anyway?

  • All right! I was just making an observation.

  • Yeah, well, don't, all right? You don't know what you're talking about.

  • - Sorry! - It's all right.

  • You gonna ask Brian if he wants to come out?

  • Yes!

  • - Are you gonna sulk all day? - No!

  • Can't come out.

  • We're going to a club later. Do you want to come?

  • - I don't go to clubs. - What do you mean, you don't go to clubs?

  • I'm working, Tim. Working. Do you understand?

  • No, sorry. Got me there.

  • Trying to... avoid...

  • clichés

  • by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.

  • Wow. Right.

  • - I'm using my penis. - Finally!

  • Do you want to see?

  • No, I'm just about to have my tea. Why don't you come out? It'll be good for you.

  • No, it won't.

  • - Twist'll be there.

  • Will she?

  • Can't.

  • Huge.

  • - It's a no. - Shh!

  • Money, money, that's all you care about.

  • - What do you know about what I care about? - More than you think, young lady!

  • Leave me alone!

  • Oh, I feel for Amber.

  • I feel for Amber.

  • Why you gotta play that song so loud?

  • Because we want to, because we want to

  • - That'll be Marsha.

  • No!

  • - Hi, Marsha. - Hello.

  • Sorry about the noise. Periods, you know.

  • - Her dad left. - I thought he left when she was two.

  • Yeah, yeah. She is milking it slightly.

  • - So do you want a tea? - No, no, I won't intrude.

  • Yeah, all right, then, I'll have a small one.

  • One small tea.

  • It's difficult, isn't it? Me and my mum used to row all the time.

  • I'll worry about you if you stay out later than ten.

  • - Try to think about my feelings. - Oh, all right.