Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Why? I don't understand. Is it something I've done'?

  • Look, it's just not gonna work, OK?

  • Five years, you know? Five years!

  • I... I was drunk.

  • Oh, we had fun! You know? We had good times.

  • To be honest, I don't... remember much about it.

  • I don't under... Just... Eugh!

  • Give me a reason! You know?

  • You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can be emotional.

  • Jesus, I cried like a child at the end of Terminator 2.

  • With the thumb and the molten... You know?

  • Is there someone else?

  • - Sort of. - Don't... What!

  • My boyfriend.

  • - That bastard! I bloody knew it! - I'm sorry, I really am.

  • It was just a bit of fun, you know?

  • It just doesn't feel right. OK?

  • - Fine. - All right?

  • Fine.

  • Look, there's a bit of change.

  • Sarah, please! Don't do this!

  • You can leave your stuff here until you find somewhere else.

  • - I love you! - (Window slams)

  • (♪ Fatboy Slim: The Weekend Starts Here)

  • Excuse me. Excuse me! Mind if I sit here?

  • - Er, no, no. - OK. Thanks.

  • What you looking for?

  • What have you got?

  • Hm?

  • What have you got

  • - No, I mean what are you looking for? - (Laughs)

  • Sorry, I thought you were a drug dealer.

  • - Oh, thanks. - That's all right.

  • - No, I'm flat hunting. - Oh, right.

  • Yeah. Oh!

  • I was staying with these mates, well, people I'd met in a squat,

  • I didn't meet them in a squat, I moved into a squat with them, which was fine...

  • Are you interested? Anyway.

  • there was this guy, and I didn't really know, well...

  • l suppose.. no. Really what happened was...

  • - No, rather than confront, I thought... - Skip to the end.

  • So, I'm moving out.

  • I see.

  • I hate flat-hunting. Yeah. I do not envy you at all.

  • - Could I borrow that after you? - Yeah.

  • - Do you mind if I sit here? - Oh, no.

  • - Any luck? - No. It's early days yet, so...

  • (♪ Marni Nixon: Getting to know you)

  • Getting to know you

  • Getting to know all about you

  • Getting to like you

  • Getting to hope you?! like me

  • - (Sighs) Hi. - Hi.

  • - How's it going? - Oh, same as always.

  • - That bad, huh? - (Sighs)

  • (♪ Getting to know you)

  • (Sobs) I can't do this any more!

  • Now... whoa, there, Pickle.

  • Every morning I wake up and it's the same.

  • (Sobs) I buy the paper and I circle them all and I phone them,

  • only to discover they've been taken by a bunch of fucking psychic house-hunters!

  • - You've only looked at a few. - They've all been cold, infested rat holes.

  • I'm in the same boat, you don't see me cry... (Sobs)

  • (Both sob alternately)

  • Hang on... I didn't see that one.

  • "Spacious two-bedroom apartment, fully furnished, £90 a week."

  • - Oh, “professional couple only". - (Sobs loudly)

  • Why?! Why?! Why?!

  • - You could always pretend. - What do you mean?

  • Well, have you got any homeless male friends?

  • (Clears throat)

  • Well, I do have one homeless male friend.

  • (Laughs nervously)

  • Who?

  • OK. You were born in Highgate to John and Gillian Bisley on 17th September, 1974.

  • Right.

  • Your little sister Katie once used all your Batman comics to decorate a cardboard car.

  • Unable to salvage the comics, you drove the car into a pond,

  • hit your head on the fountain, which is where you got your scar.

  • You've got a best friend called Mike who's a weapons expert.

  • - (Cat meows) - Yes!

  • Er.. yeah

  • You have a potentially fatal allergy to brazil nuts.

  • I have no memory of Christmas 1979.

  • I've got no memory of Christmas 1994 either.

  • - Oh, why not? - I don't know.

  • You're an aspiring graphic artist and you hope one day to work for...?

  • - Dark Star Comics. - Dark Star Comics.

  • Work to date includes a sleeve design for your sister's boyfriend's brother's band.

  • You supplement the 50 quid you got from that by working in a comic shop, Fantasy Bazaar.

  • I'm the assistant manager

  • - How many people work for you? - It's just me and Bilbo.

  • - Who's Bilbo? - The manager.

  • - You're not a sci-fi nerd? - No!

  • You spend evenings on the Internet discussing symbolism in the X-Files?

  • Modern science fiction can be interesting.

  • The speculations of contemporary authors have probably never been closer to the truth.

  • (Aliens giggle)

  • Right. Your preferred mode of transport is skateboarding.

  • You like music and regularly masturbate over pictures of Gillian Anderson.

  • - Who told you that? - It was a joke!

  • FHM voted her sexiest woman in the world in '96.

  • - What about you? - I wasn't placed.

  • You recently split up with your girlfriend who got off with your friend Duane.

  • He is not my friend!

  • Well, we don't need to talk about that. We can if you want, it obviously hit you hard.

  • No

  • You prefer a tight-legged cotton pant as opposed to the boxer.

  • - Is all this necessary? - What if we're asked personal questions?

  • We're supposed to be a couple. Do me.

  • OK. You were born in Richmond in 1975 to Ben and Emily Steiner.

  • You have a brother and a sister, older and younger respectively.

  • - You graduated from Kingston Poly... - University.

  • Whatever, in 1996 with a degree in humanities for which you got a third.

  • Which is fine, what I expected.

  • Michelle from EastEnders got a third.

  • Anyway it's not the grade that matters, it's being there that counts.

  • - Your boyfriend Richard is studying in Hell. - Hull.

  • We won't mention him. You want to be a journalist but you haven't quite tried that yet.

  • Your best friend's called Twist and she works in fashion.

  • Er... yeah

  • You've got no skin-care routine to speak of.

  • You're scared of mice and spiders

  • but fear they will crossbreed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders

  • Who will immobilise humans in giant webs in order to steal cheese.

  • - I never said that. - It'd be good, though.

  • That's it.

  • - By the way, my name's Daisy. - I'm Tim, hi.

  • Hey! What's that for?

  • We could do that thing like in that film with Andie MacDowell andrard Depardieu -

  • where they get married so he can get an American work permit.

  • A green card?

  • - Yeah. What's it called? - I don't know.

  • That should do it.

  • (Whispers) Five eight three - this is it. Five eight three, five eight three.

  • - Five eight three, five eight three... - Five eight three, five eight three...

  • (Buzzer)

  • - I forgot what you had for your fifth birthday. - Er, miniature drum kit.

  • - (Sighs) - Hey! Hey!

  • - I don't want to seem too pushy. - All right.

  • - (Buzzer) - Come on!

  • Hello. I'm Marsha.

  • - Hi. Er, we're a... - A couple. (Laughs)

  • Oh, yeah, it's really nice.

  • Yeah, it's a great flat.

  • Tim got a miniature drum kit for his fifth birthday.

  • - You what? - What's through there?

  • This is the guest bedroom, which you can use for storage or utilities,

  • or if the pair of you want to bring another life into the world.

  • (Both laugh)

  • - Yes, perfect for a child. - Very, er...

  • - Homy. - Homy, yeah, homy. It's very homy.

  • What's this?

  • (Both scream)

  • (Both) We've finished cleaning the cupboard, Mrs Klein.

  • - Ah. Did it take you long? - Yes, it took forever.

  • (Both) And ever. And ever.

  • It's bob-a-job week.

  • So, what do you both do for a living?

  • - Journalist. - Graphic artist.

  • Ooh, lovely. You working?

  • - What? - Working, earning money, cash?

  • - Yes. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. - Yes, we are.

  • - We're very... - Busy.

  • - (Snores) - For all your comic needs... Fantasy Bazaar.

  • - Oh, yeah, we're very, very busy. - Yeah. Phew!

  • - We're so busy! We don't stop. - I don't sleep. Ever.

  • That's an exaggeration but we are very busy.

  • We don't know what to do with it.

  • So, how long you been together?

  • (Both) Five years, eight months, three days.

  • Welll,.......

  • you can move in when you're ready.

  • - Really? - Yep.

  • Don't you wanna... see our photos?

  • Yeah... (Laughs nervously)

  • Come 'ere, you!

  • Right. That's it, guys, I'm off.

  • I'm outta here!

  • I'll probably give you a call about bills and stuff.

  • Ooh! We haven't got a phone, so...

  • Well, that's it, I'm off, I'm going. Bye.

  • Bye! Bye! Bye!

  • Bye! Bye! Bye!

  • Sir!

  • It's yours.

  • Thanks.

  • Right.

  • Do you have a phone number in case I need to contact you about bills?

  • I-I'm not sure, Daisy's sorting that out.

  • - Daisy? - Yeah.

  • - Who's Daisy? - The girl I'm moving in with.

  • What do you mean? When did you meet her?

  • - About two weeks ago. - And you're about to move in with her?

  • Yeah. You've got no right to be upset.

  • You're the one that ended this, you're the one seeing someone else.

  • I've got to get on with my life. I'm sorry if that upsets you, it's the way it is.

  • You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of me

  • whilst riding some other donkey. You know?

  • I'm moving on, Sarah. If you don't like that, that's too bad.

  • - Do you love her? - What?

  • Do you love her?

  • No, of course I don't love her, I love you! Nobody could ever love you as much as I do.

  • OK.

  • (Dutch accent) Hey! Crazy-looking naked girl with no nipples, what are you doin' here?!

  • Cover yourself up, love. Come on, cover yourself up.

  • - Tim?

  • (Heartbeat)

  • Tim?

  • (Screams)

  • Argh! Oh!

  • - What are you doing? - Hi, Tim... Oh!

  • I was just cleaning and, erm...

  • Did you see the... Cos I changed the table... Anyway... You don't like it, do you?

  • I heard a noise and I thought it was you cos I was talking to myself...

  • BT called and we've been connected. So, do you want a tea?

  • You know, I like this room, it's lovely. I like the... I like what you've done.

  • Do you want a cup of tea?

  • - What noise? - I heard a noise, I thought I'd have a look.

  • - Yeah, so... Did I tell you about BT? - Yeah, we've been connected.

  • - I was just investigating. - Playing Scooby Doo?

  • Yeah. I was always Daphne when I was little. Who were you?

  • Freddy, obviously.

  • Freddy. Yeah. Now look at us.

  • (♪ Ghostly chords)

  • This guy's called the Bear, he's like a mutant.

  • He's essentially a nice guy but he's driven to violence by the society he inhabits.

  • - Right. Who's that, then? - That's Doktor Mandrake.

  • - Doctor Mandrake. - Dok-tor Mandrake, it's got a K in it.

  • He's a mad scientist. He invented this steroid called oxypheromalkahyde.

  • He tested it on this orphan kid but it didn't work, did it?

  • So he chucked out his research, chucked the kid out onto the street,

  • but when the kid reached puberty,

  • The dormant oxypheromalkahyde interrupted DNA coding and he mutated into the Bear.

  • Doktor Mandrake has dedicated his life to capturing the Bear

  • to rediscover the effects of oxypheromalkahyde.

  • So, why didn't the doctor just make the oxypoxydrin again?

  • Well... because he'd invented it by accident, didn't he?

  • These mutants are mistakes he's made as he's tried to recreate the serum.

  • - Like, see, that guy's got a really big head. - Oh.

  • - So, do you like my comic? - Yeah. Yeah.

  • That reminds me, I was talking to Marsha about the rubbish.

  • There's a door that opens onto the back yard, so we have to take it to the basement.

  • I'll take those bin bags out, then, shall I?

  • - Do you want another cup of tea? - No, thanks. Twelve's my limit.

  • (Door creaks)

  • Hello?

  • Hello?

  • Hello.

  • - Daisy, this is Brian. - Oh, hi! Do you rent downstairs?

  • - Do you mean am I gay? - What?

  • Do you mean am I gay?

  • No, no, I meant are you renting the downstairs flat?

  • Oh, right. Yep, sort of.

  • - Are you gay? - What?