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-If you were on Twitter today, you may have seen people
sharing this video about migrating tree frogs and --
[ Sniffing ] I'm sorry.
I could be wrong here, but I think I smell smoke,
and that could only mean one thing.
It's time for "Ya Burnt!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Welcome to the Burn Zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through and not a lot of time.
Over here is the burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load her up!
Whoo! Ooh-ooh!
Hot for teacher!
First up, skiing.
Ah, skiing, the sport
that combines everyone's two favorite things --
frostbite and broken bones.
Hey, skiing, if I wanted to see something go downhill quickly,
I'd just go back and watch the second season of "Lost."
Side burn, "Lost."
-Side burn!
-Also, people who love skiing, we're going to have a problem
if you ask me to hit the powder and you don't have cocaine.
Skiing, go down on this! Ya burnt!
New year's resolutions.
If I wanted something that was going to be broken by February,
I would have asked Santa for some Ikea furniture.
-Side Bjurn!
-Okay, so your 2019 new year's resolution
is go to the gym more than you did last year?
Oh, you really think you can handle twice?
And whose idea was it to commit to jogging every day
when it's minus-8 degrees outside?
The new me is freezing his balls off.
Or, hey, we could just make a resolution
to quit smoking with Chantix.
Ray Liotta did it, and look how happy he is.
Ohh!
Jesus. Now I need a cigarette!
New year's resolutions! I promise! Ya burnt!
Wool sweaters -- for the person
who wants to stay warm and get hives.
[ Laughter ]
If I wanted to get this many loose hairs in my mouth,
I'd just make out with Gritty.
-Is there a Mrs. Gritty?
-There's a reason sheep don't put up a fight when you shear them.
Even they're like, "Get this thing the [bleep] off of me!"
Wool sweaters, itchy itchy, ya ya burnt.
Parent's Wi-Fi passwords. Why are you so confusing?
You got more characters than the Marvel cinematic universe
and more random capitalization than a 4:00 a.m. Trump tweet.
How is Mom supposed to remember 18 letters and numbers?
She can't even remember Tom Cruise's name.
-You know who's handsome? Ted Cruz.
-Also, you don't need a password, Dad.
Nothing on your hard drive is worth hiding from hackers.
Nobody wants to steal Minesweeper, version one.
I looked in your folder labeled "old tax stuff" hoping it was porn,
and it was actually just old tax stuff.
Parents' Wi-Fi passwords, upper case "F," lower case "u."
Ya burnt!
Ah, vitamins.
On the one hand, you're expensive,
but on the other hand, you don't work.
But, hey, at least you smell terrible.
And what's that? I should be taking fish oil?
Oh, great. Everyone's favorite part of the fish -- the oil.
Vitamins, I knew you were bull [bleep]
when the Flintstones started trying to sell them to me
when I was a kid.
Oh, you guys are a real paragon of health.
All you eat is mammoth ribs and rocks.
Just what every kid wants -- that bangin' Barney body.
-Betty settled.
-Vitamins, yabba dabba, ya burnt!
-Bounce houses, a.k.a., the child concussion factory.
Here's a good idea.
Let's put 20 kids with bad coordination
in an enclosed space and an uneven surface,
let them jump at each other.
What could possibly go right?
Bounce houses are full of air and dangerous as hell.
It's like if Fisher Price made the "Hindenburg."
Also...
[ Laughter ]
There's definitely something creepy
about the guy who brings in the bounce house.
Does he live in there?
-He doesn't not live in there!
-Bounce houses, go float away into the neighbor's yard!
Ya burnt! Up next, the greatest generation --
[ Buzzer ]
Oh, that buzzer means we've run out of time.
Looks like we'll have to take your asses back to school
the next time on "Ya Burnt!"
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Ya Burnt: Skiing, New Year's Resolutions

37 Folder Collection
Jingjiang Li published on January 27, 2019
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