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  • The idea that one is in many ways an extremely difficult person to be in a relationship with

  • may sound rather improbable and even at points offensive. Yet fully understanding and readily

  • and graciously admitting to this possibility might be the surest way of making sure one

  • is an endurable proposition over the long-term. There are few people more deeply insufferable

  • than those who don't, at regular intervals, suspect they might be so. We are, all of us,

  • invariably, hugely tricky propositions. We don't need to know anyone in particular

  • to know this about everyone. We have allin some way or anotherbeen inadequately

  • parented, we have a panoply of unfortunate psychological traits, we are beset by bad

  • habits, we are anxious, jealous, ill-tempered and vain. We are bringing an awesome amount

  • of trouble into someone else's life by agreeing to be their partner. We tend to be shielded

  • from this unwelcome news prior to a big relationship through a mixture of sentimentality and neglect.

  • Our parents loved us too much to tell us; our friends don't want to get bogged down

  • in detailed critiques of our personalities; a pleasant occasional meal is all they want

  • from us. And our exes were too keen to escape from us to offer up a helpfully detailed critique

  • of our personalities. They simply told us they needed a little more spaceor needed

  • to take a long trip to India. Furthermore, when we're on our own, we just don't notice

  • how annoying we might well be in the eyes of others. Perhaps we were in a sulk for the

  • whole of a Sunday, but no-one was there to be driven crazy by our self-pity and our passive

  • fury. We may have tendencies to use our work as an escape from intimacy, but so long as

  • we are not permanently with someone, we can pass off our eccentric hours without comment.

  • Our peculiar eating habits won't be real until there is another person across the table

  • to register our challenging chewing sounds and ingredient combinations. Eventually, a

  • partner will call us out on these traits. It feels like a horrible personal attack which

  • a nicer person would not put us through. But it is no such thing. It is an inevitable response

  • to our failingswhich anyone would need eventually to bring up. Our partner is not

  • really doing anything odd. They are merely holding up a mirror. Everyone, seen close

  • up, has an appalling amount wrong with their character. It's not usit's the human

  • condition. The specifics vary hugely, of course; people are nightmarish in different ways.

  • But the basic point is to share. Whatever we think or feel about ourselves, we will

  • be revealed as sorely defective upon close-up, prolonged inspection. Sadly, it's not that

  • our partner is being too critical or unusually demanding. They are the bearer of an inevitable

  • news: that we are a nightmare.

  • Being asked to acknowledge ones flaws isn't a request to admit somthing very strange.

  • What would be strange would be to think that one was without major defects.

  • Of course we have some delightfull qualities as well, but it does mean that we are unavoidably going to be very hard for another person to live around.

  • We need therefore to ask ourselves In as candid a manner as as we can manage what

  • specifically might be slightly crazey or desperate or undeveloped in our characters.

  • Maturity involves having quite a detailed answer to the following question, "How are you difficult to live with."

  • A presumption of ones own innocence is at the heart of self rightousness and cruelty.

  • Because our minds may go blank at this point and remember

  • only our tender and beautiful sides, we can lean on a set of prompts

  • For example when i'm annoyed I have a tendency to...

  • When I feel hurt I...

  • Around money I can be a bit difficult because...

  • I guess I worry really quite a lot about ...

  • I suppose I might be a bit of a handful around sex because...

  • The point of prompting greater awareness of our questionable patterns of behavour isn't to feel guilty

  • or ashamed about them. Just to see how easily they can be confusing, disturbing and annoying to another person.

  • We need before we commit ourselves to a relationships to get fully aquainted with all the ways in which we are going to be a serious challange to live around.

  • Our Relationships Reboot cards inspire conversations that can help to re-kindle love between you and your partner.

The idea that one is in many ways an extremely difficult person to be in a relationship with

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