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  • I want to be an English teacher in Japan.

  • I see.

  • Tell me why you'd like to be a teacher in Japan.

  • Well...

  • Japan is so quirky and unique.

  • Okay then...

  • Are you saying that you would like to visit Japan?

  • No, I want to teach English in Japan.

  • Okay.

  • So why do you want to specifically teach English in Japan?

  • Japan is cool.

  • I can say I lived in Japan on my Facebook page.

  • Do you have any experience teaching? -No.

  • Do you know how to make a lesson plan? -No.

  • Do you know how to create effective classroom handouts?

  • No.

  • Have you ever stood in front of a group of people, and talked for an hour?

  • Have you ever stood in front of a group of people, and talked for an hour? - No.

  • At the very least, you will require a diploma from a university to obtain a visa.

  • At the very least, you will require a diploma from a university to obtain a visa.

  • Have you graduated from university?

  • No.

  • But I will, next spring.

  • Okay. What do you study?

  • I am studying philosophy, with a minor in film.

  • That has nothing to do with English.

  • Or teaching...

  • Or Japan...

  • I want to expand my horizons. I want to go on an adventure.

  • Why not just visit Japan, instead?

  • Why not just visit Japan, instead?

  • No. I want to teach English in Japan. I want to live there!

  • I see.

  • Why do you want to live in Japan?

  • It's cool. I will go to ancient temples.

  • I will drink green tea, and visit hot springs.

  • I will party in Tokyo every night.

  • I will take artistic photos.

  • You plan to live in Tokyo as an English teacher?

  • Yes.

  • I will wonder the city, and explore its many wonders.

  • Like the move, "Lost in Translation."

  • I am sorry to tell you, but 95% of foreign English teachers in Japan, don't teach in Tokyo.

  • I can visit Tokyo on the weekends then.

  • You will most likely be placed in a town in bum-fuck nowhere.

  • Your closest McDonald's, one hour away.

  • Your closest super market, 30 minutes away.

  • Your closest super market, 30 minutes away. - I don't care.

  • You will have no neighbors who speak English.

  • Can you speak any Japanese?

  • No, but I have watched many different Anime.

  • I think I have the gist of how to speak Japanese.

  • Watching anime exclusively, in no way qualifies you to speak Japanese on anything more than an obnoxious level.

  • Watching anime exclusively, in no way qualifies you to speak Japanese on anything more than an obnoxious level.

  • Watching anime exclusively, in no way qualifies you to speak Japanese on anything more than an obnoxious level.

  • But I will make many Japanese friends.

  • They will teach me Japanese.

  • Because we are friends. - Are you familiar with...

  • the "uchi" and "soto" aspects of Japanese culture?

  • As a foreigner,

  • you will always be considered "soto,"

  • an outsider.

  • You will never be fully accepted as a Japanese person.

  • Your so-called friends will keep you at arm's length.

  • Your so-called friends will keep you at arm's length.

  • You will be invited to dinners, admired for your quirky foreigner nature,

  • your novelty having worn off you will not be invited again.

  • You will spend the winter cold and alone.

  • I won't be alone.

  • I will find a hot Japanese girl. - Do you have a girlfriend now? - No.

  • Are you considered overweight and fairly unattractive in your home country?

  • - Yes. - Then there is no reason to expect that to change in Japan.

  • But I heard Japanese girls are easy.

  • How will you communicate with a Japanese female?

  • Through the language of love.

  • She will probably speak English anyway. - So you won't bother to learn her language...

  • So you won't bother to learn her language...

  • and place the entire burden of communication upon her.

  • We will be in love!

  • Are you aware that the vast majority of Japanese women have no interest in foreigners as lovers?

  • Are you aware that the vast majority of Japanese women have no interest in foreigners as lovers?

  • The few English-speaking women you do find, will be just as desperate and

  • lonely for companionship as you.

  • Your relationship will be a disaster, full of miscommunication and empty emotions.

  • We will have sex everyday, and be happy.

  • Are you aware that Japan has the lowest incidence of monthly sex between partners?

  • Are you aware that Japan has the lowest incidence of monthly sex between partners?

  • Never mind.

  • You are pathetic.

  • Sex should not be the sole basis for a healthy relationship, anyway.

  • I can do the job.

  • I can speak English fluently. - Speaking English, and teaching English...

  • Speaking English, and teaching English are very different.

  • I will be loved by all my students.

  • I will change their lives with English. -If you teach at a public school...

  • your class size will be around forty students.

  • Half the students don't even want to be there.

  • The other half will either be too shy to speak,

  • or have ability so low that they cannot. - No.

  • I will change their lives with English.

  • You will often be placed with native Japanese teachers who possess little actual English ability.

  • You will often be placed with native Japanese teachers who possess little actual English ability.

  • You will often be placed with native Japanese teachers who possess little actual English ability.

  • They will often be too busy to meet with you about a lesson plans,

  • and take a little interest in you outside of the work place.

  • I don't care.

  • My students will love me.

  • Your students will mock your appearance at every opportunity.

  • If you are fat,

  • they will say so.

  • If you were a balding

  • they will let you know.

  • They will occasionally grab your genitalia or attempt to insert fingers into your butt.

  • They will occasionally grab your genitalia or attempt to insert fingers into your butt.

  • I don't care.

  • They will mercilessly deride you when angered.

  • And express utter apathy toward the entire subject of English. - I don't care.

  • Having no prior training,

  • you'll be asked to teach special needs students.

  • Do you feel comfortable being asked to do so?

  • I don't mind.

  • I am a special person, and I am good with people.

  • Well, that's good to hear.

  • You will need such enthusiasm in public schools.

  • In Japan, education is compulsory.

  • Every student graduates from at least middle school,

  • whether they like it or not.

  • Discipline is non-existent.

  • Students may often get out of hand, fight with teachers,

  • talk in class,

  • graffiti their desks,

  • break windows,

  • or otherwise cause trouble.

  • Then I won't teach at a public school.

  • I will teach at a private English conversation school.

  • Oh, do you mean "eikaiwa?"

  • Yes.

  • All the students will be happy to see me.

  • I will be the quirky, fun foreigner.

  • I will make a difference in the lives of students who care about English.

  • My English lessons will be creative and fun. -No.

  • You will teach strictly from a text book,

  • because that is the company way.

  • Your classes will be composed of self-entitled customers, not students.

  • I don't care.

  • Your personality will be utterly discarded as unmarketable,

  • in favor of your a large foreigner nose,

  • and your non-black hair.

  • Which will be paraded about at every opportunity to further drive business sales.

  • Which will be paraded about at every opportunity to further drive business sales.

  • I don't care.

  • Your salary will be only two-thirds of a normal teacher.

  • I don't care.

  • Your class schedule will be packed to full capacity.

  • And the few times when you are not teaching,

  • you will be given the degrading task of handing out tissues at the local train station,

  • further whoring your foreign persona to passersby.

  • I don't care.

  • I want to go to Japan, and experience all it has to offer.

  • Very well.

  • The first thing is has to offer is mandatory fingerprinting of foreigners at the airport terminal, upon arrival.

  • The first thing is has to offer is mandatory fingerprinting at the airport terminal, upon arrival.

  • Japanese citizens are not subject to such procedures, of course.

  • Japanese citizens are not subject to such procedures, of course.

  • Japanese citizens are not subject to such procedures, of course.

  • I don't mind.

  • I am not a terrorist.

  • Indeed, and you will have plenty of opportunities to explain that fact

  • to every police officer who sees a non-Japanese person and decides to stop them.

  • I don't care.

  • If I don't like my time there,

  • I can just leave and go back to my home country. - Ah yes,

  • So you will be breaking the terms of your employee contract,

  • your housing contract,

  • and also failing to pay any remaining taxes, bills, or rent.

  • And generally just being irresponsible.

  • I don't care.

  • I just need to get away from home for a while.

  • I just need to get away from home for a while.

  • I don't want to look for a career job. - I understand that you would like to Japan

  • I understand that you would like to Japan. I understand that you think Japan is quirky and fun.

  • But failing to confront your responsibilities and problems in one country,

  • But failing to confront your responsibilities and problems in one country,

  • and attempting to start over in another country,

  • will not help you.

  • Japan will not change you

  • or fix you

  • or clear your head.

  • You will be the same person

  • only more helpless.

  • Any mental instability,

  • insecurity or other worries will simply be compounded by the

  • stress of living in a foreign culture.

  • I will watch sumo wrestling, eat sushi,

  • shake hands with a real ninja, and have sex with hundreds of women.

  • You cannot convince me otherwise. - Please stay home.

  • Please.

  • Japan does not need yet another retarded foreigner.

  • Please.

  • At least learn some of the Japanese language first.

  • No.

  • I am too busy.

  • John madden.

  • John madden.

  • John madden.

  • John madden. John madden. John madden. John madden. John madden. John madden.

  • John madden. John madden.

  • -What?

  • Herp derp derp derp derp. Herpa derpa. Herp derp derpa.

  • Please... God... No...

I want to be an English teacher in Japan.

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