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I did so much traveling, my passport expired. Last summer I had to renew my passport.
I don't know about in America, but in Canada, on your new passport photos, you're not allowed to smile.
That's new rule, you're not allowed to smile.This is their way of fighting terrorism.
This is how they're going to catch the terrorists. You can't smile.
That's the message they're sending you. If you can't-- if you're traveling, you'd better not be happy.
I didn't know, right? I'm in the mall, I walk into one of those places that says,
"We do passport photos." I walk in, I'm like,
"Yo, I need some passport photos." The guy goes,
[Indian accent] "No problem, buddy, sit down."
Which really pissed me off, because he was a white guy, and I don't know why he was talking like that, right, so--
I think he was mocking me.
So, I sit down, the guy goes, "You ready?" I go, "Yeah."
It's a picture, and I'm a happy guy so I figure, "alright." He goes, "You ready?"
And I smile. I'm like this--
The guy goes, "Uh sir, sir--
your lips need to be touching."
[Low laughter]
[Laughter increases]
"Sir-- Sir, you can't smile."
Not like that, I can't smile, of course.
That's their way. This is how they really think they're gonna find the terrorism.
By making you not smile. You want to find the terrorists? Make everybody smile.
The people that don't want to smile - question them!
When have you ever been watching CNN, and they show you the terrorists that they're looking for,
and those guys are happy? Never!
You never see, like, a shot of the terrorists standing around going--
[Laughter and Clapping]
You know, there's never the one joker terrorist guy, with his thumb on the detonator--
[Middle eastern accent] "I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll--"
"Ha! You flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinch!"
So, I wasn't allowed to smile. So now, if it wasn't bad enough,
being a brown man, going through the airports, now, when I give thme my passport,
I looked pissed off.
My picture, in my passport's like this--
They get my passport, "Oh, Mr. Peters--"
"Uh, step this way please."
"Have a few words with you."
It's hard, man, 'cause security at the airport, Customs, Immigration--
they really need to learn the difference, between a terrorist, and an Indian.
We're not the same!
We're not!
We're not from the same part of the world, we don't speak the same language,
we don't eat the same food-- we don't even hate the same people!
Terrorists hate Americans.
Indians hate each other!
A terrorist, will blow up an airport.
Indians like to work, at the airport!
[indian accent] "That would be counter-productive."
I know a lot of white people are nervous, about flying, nowadays, and I understand, to a certain degree,
but I had one white dude come up to me, he goes,
"No man, I don't fly anymore."
"You never know when shit's gonna go down up there."
I go, "What? Nothing's going down up there, dude!
[White guy] "Yeah, well, you never know."
And I understand, you know what I mean? You're a little panicked, a little bit,
but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean? Think about it logically.
Think about what airline you're getting on, where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to,
you know what I mean? That all factors into your whole "terrorist theory."
I was on a JetBlue flight--
See, JetBlue is funny enough!
I was on a JetBlue flight, from Buffalo, New York to Laguardia.
It was like, a 30-seat "playen."
[Indian accent] "Plane"
Oh my God, my "Indian Tourette's," is acting up!
[American accent] "30 seat--"
[Indian accent] "plane!"
We all go through it.
So, I get on board this little plane. It's a 45-minute flight
I walk on board, this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, and goes,
[Shocked voice] "Oh my God!"
I'm like, "What?!"
"You think I'm a terrorist?! On friggin' JetBlue?!"
"What am I, the 'low self-esteem terrorist?"
[Laughter and Clapping]
"Yeah, I don't want to kill a lot of us today."
"I thought I'd start off with 30--"
Tomorrow, "Southwest!"
[Laughter and Applause]
Just think about it, logically, you know?
I remember I was on a flight, like, two weeks after 9/11--
I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants!
I sat down, the guy's like this--
[Dramatically wheezing]
About half an hour into the flight, I reach for my bag, the guy goes,
[Yelling] "Oh my God, no!"
I'm like, "Relax you jackass!"
"I'm just getting my Discman."
"Gotta listen to my instructions."
[Laughter and Applause]
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"Terrorists vs Indians" | Russell Peters - Outsourced

578 Folder Collection
Yukiko published on November 2, 2018
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