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  • YOU KNOW, I'M A PRETTY DEEP GUY.

  • IN FACT, I'LL OFTEN ASK MYSELF LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS, LIKE --

  • "WHY AM I HERE?" AND, "WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?"

  • AND, "DID THAT GUY AT STARBUCKS REALLY THINK MY NAME WAS KYLE OR

  • DAVID OR DID A JUST TAKE DAVID'S COFFEE?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES I NEED TO EXPRESS

  • THESE THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS THAT CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BY

  • ANOTHER VERY DEEP A-LIST CELEBRITY.

  • IT'S TIME FOR "BIG QUESTIONS WITH EVEN BIGGER STARS!"

  • ♪ ♪

  • ( APPLAUSE ) WOW.

  • LOOK AT THAT SKY.

  • THE STARS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

  • I WONDER WHAT THEY'RE MADE OF...

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> IT'S ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR

  • STEPHEN.

  • >> STEPHEN: HEY, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!

  • >> HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • LIKE I WAS SAYING, THEY'RE LITERALLY "ELEMENTARY."

  • LIKE HELIUM AND CARBON AND STUFF.

  • >> STEPHEN: RIGHT.

  • YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HERE.

  • YOU SEEM LIKE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HAS PROFOUND THOUGHTS.

  • >> IT'S THE ACCENT.

  • >> STEPHEN: RIGHT.

  • HEY BENEDICT?

  • >> YEAH, STEPHEN?

  • >> STEPHEN: DO YOU EVER WONDER HOW YOUR LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT

  • IF YOU WERE BORN IN A DIFFERENT PLACE?

  • >> NOT REALLY.

  • I THINK ENGLAND IS THE ONLY PLACE THAT MAKES PEOPLE NAMED

  • "BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HEY S.C.?

  • >> STEPHEN: YEAH, B.C.?

  • >> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR LAST THOUGHT WILL BE?

  • >> STEPHEN: PROBABLY-- "PARACHUTE!"

  • ( SNAPS FINGERS ) YEAH.

  • BERTY?

  • >> STEPHEN: HEY, BATCHY?

  • IS HAPPEN NECESSARY THE SAME AS JOY?

  • >> NO.

  • I DATED JOY FOR YEARS AND SHE WAS NOT HAPPY.

  • STEVE?

  • >> STEPHEN: BENEDICT TIMOTHY CARLTON CUMBERBATCH, COMMANDER

  • OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE?

  • >> DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT DOLPHINS ARE SMARTER THAN

  • HUMANS?

  • >> STEPHEN: YES.

  • FOR ONE THING, THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET INTO SEAWORLD FOR

  • FREE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HEY, DOCTOR STRANGE?

  • >> YES, DOCTOR EXCEEDINGLY NORMAL?

  • >> STEPHEN: DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE WE'RE ALL JUST LIVING

  • INSIDE A VIDEO GAME?

  • >> NO.

  • BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY WHITE PILLS I EAT, THE GHOSTS STILL

  • FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE.

  • >> STEPHEN: WAKA-WAKA-WAKA!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • IS IT A STAR?

  • >> IS IT OR A SOV YET SATELLITE.

  • IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

  • >> Stephen: HEY BENNIE BATCH?

  • >> YEAH, STEPHEN COLE-SLAW?

  • >> STEPHEN: IS THERE A NUMBER SO LARGE THAT THE HUMAN MIND CANNOT

  • EVEN COMPREHEND IT?

  • >> YES.

  • IT'S THE AMOUNT OF MONEY BEING MADE BY THE AVENGERS.

  • >> STEPHEN: WOW.

  • >> YEAH, I THINK WE'RE UP TO VENTI-GRILLION DOLLARS.

  • HEY, S?

  • >> STEPHEN: YEAH, B?

  • >> DO YOU BELIEVE THERE ARE ANY MYSTERIES HUMANITY CAN'T SOLVE?

  • >> STEPHEN: NO, YOU USUALLY WRAP THEM UP BY THE END OF THE

  • SEASON.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> WELL, ACTUALLY, EACH EPISODE

  • IS A SELF-CONTAINED MYSTERY.

  • >> STEPHEN: WELL, SURE, BUT THERE ARE OVERARCHING QUESTIONS

  • THAT RUN THROUGH MULTIPLE EPISODES.

  • EVEN MULTIPLE SERIES.

  • LIKE THE WHOLE MORIARITY THING.

  • WHAT'S GOING THERE?

  • >> HE'S DEAD.

  • I THOUGHT WE MADE THAT PRETTY CLEAR.

  • >> STEPHEN: HE'S STILL LEAVING YOU MESSAGES!

  • >> HE'S GONE, STEPHEN!

  • IT'S OVER!

  • >> STEPHEN: SEE?

  • THIS IS WHY I'M A WATSON FAN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU WOULD BE!

  • >> STEPHEN: HEY, BENEDICTATOR?

  • >> YEAH, COLBERT FORCE ONE?

  • >> STEPHEN: WOULD YOU RATHER FIGHT A LOBSTER THE SIZE OF A

  • BEAR, OR TWENTY BEARS THE SIZE OF LOBSTERS?

  • >> HMMM.

  • NEITHER.

  • I'D RATHER JUST WAIT FOR THE DRUGS TO WEAR OFF.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: HOW LONG DOES THAT

  • USUALLY TAKE?

  • >> THE LENGTH OF A COMMERCIAL BREAK.

  • >> STEPHEN: PERFECT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS ONE WITH

  • MORE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAKA WAKA WAKA WAKA!

YOU KNOW, I'M A PRETTY DEEP GUY.

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