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  • The border, the boundary that is incredibly tough

  • to smuggle a monkey across... I am told.

  • -(MONKEY SCREAMING) -Shh.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • President Trump has famously made securing the border

  • a key priority for his administration,

  • most notably through his border wall,

  • something which, as we've pointed out before,

  • he himself inadvertently found a flaw in on the campaign trail.

  • There's no ladder going over that.

  • If they ever get up there, they're in trouble.

  • 'Cause there's no way to get down.

  • Maybe a rope.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a rope.

  • And I know that sounds stupid, but to be fair,

  • you haven't heard Phase Six

  • of Donald Trump's border security plan,

  • "Go get me all the ropes."

  • And while that wall idea has received a lot of coverage,

  • it is by no means Trump's only border plan.

  • One of his more benign-sounding, but potentially

  • no less dangerous, ideas concerns the Border Patrol.

  • And first, let's be clear about who they are.

  • They are part of Customs and Border Protection.

  • They are not ICE, who you may know from immigration raids.

  • They're also not customs officers,

  • who you'll see at airports and border crossings,

  • nor are they the Borders Patrol, a group of vigilantes

  • who defend abandoned Borders bookstores from raccoons.

  • No, the Border Patrol are the people in green uniforms

  • who literally patrol the boundaries of our country.

  • There are around 20,000 of them.

  • But Trump, in an executive order,

  • has called for them to add five thousand more,

  • to tackle the many problems that he sees

  • on our southern border.

  • Let's stop the drugs and the crime

  • from pouring into our country.

  • You can certainly have terrorists,

  • you can certainly have Islamic terrorists,

  • you can have anything coming across the border.

  • We're gonna have a strong, strong, strong border

  • that people are gonna respect, and the drugs are not gonna be

  • flowing across like gravy.

  • Now, that right there, is what happens

  • when Donald Trump starts a sentence feeling xenophobic

  • -and ends it feeling hungry. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • "We need to stop Mexicans coming in like hot fudge sundaes

  • coming into my tummy, three scoops, whipped cream,

  • no cherry, 'cause I don't do fruit."

  • But-- but for the record, Border Patrol agents

  • do a lot more than just fight drugs, crime and gravy.

  • In recent years, the number of Mexicans apprehended crossing the border

  • has dramatically dropped and has now been surpassed

  • by the sharp rise in migrants fleeing violence

  • in Central America, for whom there is a legal process to seek asylum here.

  • Meaning that agents' days

  • can frequently include moments like this.

  • NEWSCASTER: The Boccé family take their first tentative steps

  • into the United States of America.

  • Within seconds, the Border Patrol are on them.

  • There's no chase, no tension. They expected to be caught.

  • (MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

  • NEWSCASTER: As we film, another two figures emerge,

  • a mother and her daughter.

  • They're given blankets to protect them from the cold.

  • And that's kind of not what people expect

  • when they think of the border.

  • In the Venn Diagram of hardened drug dealers

  • and people who need blankets,

  • that middle section is pretty much just Linus.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • Oh, I'm sorry, he is not a drug dealer?

  • The messy hair, the stripy shirt,

  • the thumb-sucking... He sells ecstasy at raves,

  • and he's high on his own supply all the time.

  • There is no Great Pumpkin,

  • he's a junkie, someone intervene!

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • But-- but the truth is, it is moments like that there,

  • that show how difficult the job of a Border Patrol agent can be,

  • because in that moment, they are delivering aid

  • and processing migrants, but later, that same day,

  • they may be chasing down drug traffickers.

  • So, it's a mixture between humanitarian work

  • and law enforcement, and not everyone can do it.

  • And that is what makes Trump's plan

  • to expand the Border Patrol by 25 percent so concerning,

  • because if you hire agents quickly and badly,

  • it can actually leave us much less safe

  • and have devastating consequences.

  • And the reason we know this is because we have been down this road before.

  • So, tonight, I would like to talk to you

  • about the last Border Patrol hiring surge,

  • because it wasn't that long ago.

  • NEWSCASTER: After the so-called bungling of intelligence leading up to 9/11,

  • President George W. Bush is determined to shore things up at the borders.

  • As part of that mandate, the Border Patrol expanded

  • from 10,000 agents to 20,000.

  • It's true. The late 2000s saw a surge in Border Patrol agents

  • that was matched only by the surge in the number

  • of reality shows about people making cakes.

  • There were so many of those, you don't even know

  • which one of them I made up.

  • It was, by the way, Cake Cucks...

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -...which, I guarantee you,

  • will be in production some time next week.

  • Now-- now, to meet the surge's ambitious targets,

  • recruitment was aggressive,

  • and the government advertised everywhere,

  • even, at one point, doing this...

  • NEWSCASTER: The Border Patrol spent 8.4 million dollars sponsoring this car,

  • getting it detailed and staffing recruitment booths.

  • (CAR REVVING)

  • That is honestly true. They sponsored a NASCAR team,

  • putting the Border Patrol in such fine company

  • as other actual NASCAR sponsors, Depend Underwear,

  • -and Boudreaux's Butt Paste. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • A product for, I assume, people who want their butt

  • -pasted closed. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • And look, that wasn't all.

  • They also ran slickly-produced TV ads, like this...

  • ANNOUNCER: As a mobile law enforcement arm

  • of the Department of Homeland Security,

  • it is the job of the Border Patrol

  • to prevent terrorists and terrorist weapons,

  • and all those who seek to do us harm,

  • from entering the United States.

  • (RADIO CHATTER)

  • ANNOUNCER: The Border Patrol.

  • We protect America. Are you up to the challenge?

  • You have to admit, they make that job look very exciting,

  • although, in fairness, anything said

  • in that tone of voice would be exciting.

  • (DEEP VOICE) Here is my kitten. I named him Bootsie.

  • Don't wee on the rug, Bootsie.

  • I'm not sure he likes me as much as I like him.

  • (RESUMES REGULAR TONE) But the truth of their job is

  • that most agents work alone, patrolling vast swathes of desert.

  • And whilst some days feature bursts of action,

  • others can involve absolutely nothing,

  • which can be challenging in and of itself.

  • REPORTER: One of the larger problems... is boredom.

  • HEYMAN: It doesn't mean that it's never dangerous.

  • There are bandits out there, there are drug organizations out there.

  • What they're not really getting is preparation for...

  • the boring, non-risky reality of almost all of their career.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Exactly.

  • Boredom is a significant part of life

  • as a Border Patrol agent.

  • And they should probably train for it.

  • For every hour they spend in target practice,

  • they should probably spend ten hours watching Mozart in the Jungle.

  • Are you funny? Am I supposed to care about you?

  • Who's that woman with the oboe?

  • I'm confused, but I'm also bored.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • But-- but the big problem was that as they doubled in size,

  • meeting and maintaining their hiring quotas meant

  • that their screening process wasn't always as strong

  • as it could have been.

  • It was only late in the surge that the CBP

  • started giving applicants polygraph tests,

  • something that most other federal law enforcement agencies do,

  • and to listen to James Tomsheck, who headed Internal Affairs

  • for CBP through most of the surge,

  • their findings indicated they probably should have done that sooner.

  • TOMSHECK: The shocking discovery we found

  • was that more than half of the persons

  • who had cleared background investigations,

  • failed the polygraph examination,

  • the vast majority of them providing detailed descriptions

  • of the criminal activity they had been involved in.

  • Now, just think about that. Over half of CBP's applicants,

  • who had cleared the highest level of background check,

  • were found unsuitable for service.

  • And some of what they confessed to

  • was absolutely incredible.

  • One applicant admitted to smoking marijuana

  • twenty-thousand times in a ten-year period.

  • Kudos to that individual.

  • While another stated he had "no independent recollection

  • of the events that resulted in a blood-doused kitchen,"

  • and was "uncertain if he had committed any crime

  • during his three-hour blackout."

  • Which, I'm gonna go ahead and say,

  • yes, you did commit a crime, or at the very least,

  • you really fucked up a soufflé.

  • I mean, you fucked that thing up bad.

  • And the problems didn't stop once the new agents were hired,

  • because the training was also significantly cut back,

  • and that caused real issues, as one trainer revealed,

  • while, for some reason,

  • being disguised as an asthmatic scarecrow.

  • REPORTER: We are disguising the face and voice

  • of this veteran agent and training instructor,

  • because of fears of retaliation.

  • AGENT:

  • So, the standards were lowered?

  • AGENT:

  • -What is happening there? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • He sounds like Jesse Ventura after swallowing one of those

  • novelty cow-voice noise makers.

  • And look, I know that it is really hard to pay attention

  • to what Robot Neil Young is saying there,

  • but it is genuinely worth listening

  • to where they cut corners.

  • REPORTER: The source told us Spanish-language classes

  • and physical training were cut back.

  • AGENT:

  • They cut back on Spanish and physical training,

  • so the new standards affected agents' ability

  • to talk to the people they caught

  • and their ability to catch the people they wanted to talk to.

  • Which seem like pretty essential facets of their job.

  • It's like if the training program at SeaWorld left out

  • putting on a wetsuit and systematically driving

  • carnivorous whales insane.

  • That's the whole job there!

  • Take them away, you're left with nothing else!

  • And consequently, as the ranks grew,

  • corruption and excessive force sky-rocketed

  • and misconduct became such a problem

  • that, at one point, the Border Patrol felt it needed

  • to issue a memo about the fact their agents

  • "were averaging two alcohol- related arrests per week,"

  • and some agents off-duty run-ins with the law

  • were even more spectacular.

  • BARBARA LEE-EDWARDS: Tonight, two Border Patrol agents

  • are on leave after a woman says they put on a lewd show

  • during Cirque du Soleil, performing a sex act

  • right in front of children.

  • The accusations don't stop there.

  • The couple is suspected of being drunk and violent.

  • (CHUCKLING) Wow!

  • Now, I should tell you, one agent was found guilty

  • of assaulting the woman who complained,

  • but both denied that anything sexual was happening,

  • and they were found not guilty of the sex act,

  • presumably because they were at Cirque du Soleil,

  • where everything looks like a sex act.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -I'll show you.

  • This... is a sex act.

  • This is a sex act.

  • This is a wildly difficult sex act.

  • That is a bird person sex act.

  • And I have absolutely no idea what's happening there,

  • but I think it's the thing Steve Bannon is supposed to be good at.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)

  • And things got-- things got more serious than that.

  • Since 2005, 77 agents were arrested or indicted

  • for corruption, and if you think about it,

  • Border Patrol agents are particularly attractive

  • to drug-traffickers.

  • Remember, they often work on their own,

  • patrolling the border,

  • which, as one journalist points out,

  • is a pretty potent recipe for trouble.

  • One Border Patrol agent can undo an incredible amount

  • of good that all the other Border Patrol agents do.

  • One Border Patrol agent can wave in tons of drugs.

  • And, you know--

  • Literally. Absolutely literally.

  • Yeah! This is one of the only cases

  • where someone saying "a ton of drugs"

  • actually means a literal ton of drugs.

  • No, Kevin, you did not do "a ton of drugs,"

  • you took a Benadryl, you made out with a goldfish,

  • and you passed out with your head in the dishwasher.

  • Pull your life together.

  • And look, let me give you just a taste of the kind

  • of spectacular corruption involved.

  • Take Agent Joel Luna, who, it turned out,

  • had a brother in the Gulf Cartel and who was convicted

  • of engaging in organized crime

  • with some pretty striking evidence

  • emerging during a house search.

  • INVESTIGATOR: We end up finding a safe, a black safe.

  • We found 89,000 dollars in cash.

  • ROOT: Joel Luna's commemorative Border Patrol badge,

  • kilo and a half of cocaine, methamphetamine,

  • a gun that's tied directly to the Gulf Cartel,

  • it says "Gulf Cartel" on it. It's hard to explain that away.

  • It's hard to explain why your Border Patrol badge

  • is in a safe with cocaine, money and a cartel pistol.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Yeah.

  • That is really hard to explain.

  • I mean, the best I can do is, uh,

  • "My badge had a drug problem that it couldn't bear

  • to tell me about, so finally, it decided to shoot itself

  • with a gun that we found on a case,

  • planning to die surrounded by its money

  • because its views on death resemble those of Ancient Egyptians."

  • But even then, we are talking about a sentient police badge

  • with an interest in Egyptology, so you're already banking

  • on a pretty large suspension of disbelief there.

  • Oh, and you should know,

  • Luna was hired during the last recruitment surge.

  • And CBP will tell you what they told us,

  • that while some agents did disgrace the badge with corruption,

  • the vast majority did not.

  • Although, it is worth knowing that Tomsheck,

  • the Internal Affairs guy,

  • believes the problem is much bigger than they imply.

  • Mr. Luna is not one bad apple.

  • He is part of a raid of corruption

  • that exceeded that of any other U.S. Federal law enforcement agency.

  • Okay, so it's less "one bad apple,"

  • than, "Oh, my God. That is a lot of bad apples."

  • Which, by the way, should really be the marketing theme

  • for red delicious apples.

  • "Red delicious apples...

  • Well, at least we got the 'red' part right!"

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • And it gets even worse.

  • Because remember, these agents have guns.

  • And some have made very bad decisions.

  • And you may have seen coverage of some of the tragic incidents.

  • MAN: In a string of shootings by the Border Patrol

  • that have stirred up emotions at the border,

  • there's one case in particular

  • that has become a rallying cry for justice.

  • A shooting of a 16-year-old boy named

  • Joe Antonio Elena Rodriguez.

  • They say their agents were threatened by somebody

  • throwing rocks on this side of the fence.

  • But standing here, the first thing you ask yourself

  • is, "Could a 16-year-old boy really threaten somebody

  • standing on top of what's at least a 20-foot cliff?

  • And on the other side of that fence?"

  • I mean, yeah. That does seem pretty unlikely.

  • And to explain why, tune in next week

  • when our main story will be "Gravity...

  • Arch-nemesis to the concept of up."

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Now, so you know,

  • that case is still in the courts.

  • And agents can sometimes feel threatened by rock throwers,

  • but it is worth pointing out that a report which looked at 25 cases

  • where Border Patrol agents shot people who'd thrown rocks,

  • concluded that "too many cases do not appear to meet

  • the test of objective reasonableness

  • with regard to the use of deadly force."

  • Which I believe is kind of law enforcement legalese for

  • "Holy shit! You shot some people you should not have fucking shot at.

  • -Maybe don't do that as much." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • Oh, and there is one more thing about the agent

  • in that fence shooting... that will not surprise you.

  • He was one of those persons hired by, uh, the Border Patrol

  • -during the surge. -Of course he was.

  • And yet, despite all of these warning signs,

  • we are about to embark upon another ambitious

  • Border Patrol hiring surge.

  • And CBP will tell you not to worry about that,

  • that in recent years they've improved hiring and made reforms.

  • For instance, they've slightly increased transparency

  • and given agents more non-lethal weapons

  • like pepper spray guns,

  • as well as rewriting the use of force rulebook to,

  • and I quote, "prohibit the shooting of suspects

  • fleeing the scene who do not pose a threat to themselves or others."

  • And look, that is great,

  • although it does seem to be one of those rules

  • that you shouldn't have had to write down.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -If you went to a zoo,

  • and there were a giant sign that said,

  • "Please don't finger the armadillos,"

  • you would wonder what the fuck had happened

  • -before that sign went up. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

  • But the problem is, many other reforms have not been made,

  • and it is hard to believe that they will be

  • now that President Gravy Drugs is in charge.

  • In fact, worryingly, there has already been talk

  • that hiring standards might drop again

  • with suggestions like a shorter polygraph,

  • or removing parts of the entrance exam.

  • And most frustratingly of all, there may be no reason for us to take this risk,

  • because a report from the Inspector General For Homeland Security

  • questions whether we even need 5,000 more Border Patrol agents.

  • And yet, Trump seems determined to do this anyway.

  • Who knows why?

  • There is a fairly good chance he only said 5,000

  • because someone told him five bazillion is not a real number.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • And look, whatever your feelings...

  • about the laws the Border Patrol have been given to enforce,

  • and I have plenty of feelings on that,

  • you do want the best possible people enforcing them,

  • because if you don't, as we have seen,

  • bad things happen.

  • This is a story about the danger

  • of not learning from your mistakes.

  • And for the sake of absolutely everybody,

  • people on both sides of the border,

  • and the good Border Patrol agents

  • just trying to do a difficult job well,

  • if we are going to hire all these new people,

  • the very least we can do is be more careful this time around.

  • And one tiny step would be to have recruitment ads

  • that show potential agents what the job is really like.

  • ANNOUNCER: The Border Patrol.

  • We protect America.

  • And we're hiring... again.

  • But this time, we're gonna do it right.

  • So if you're looking for an exciting,

  • heart-pounding adventure,

  • maybe go skydiving or try parkour,

  • or do whatever the fuck this is.

  • But the Border Patrol may not be for you.

  • Because a lot of the time the job looks less like this...

  • And more like... this.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • ANNOUNCER: That's right.

  • Just you, the desert, and nothing for miles around.

  • (BIRD CAWS)

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • ANNOUNCER: This could be your lunch break.

  • This is a job that could combine hours of boredom

  • with sudden bursts of action.

  • AGENT: Oh, shit!

  • I got people moving. I need backup!

  • (CAR ENGINE REVVING)

  • ANNOUNCER: And about that action...

  • it definitely can involve people entering illegally,

  • or drug smugglers.

  • But a surprising amount of the time,

  • it involves desperate migrants for whom you're the first point of contact

  • in a system ill-equipped to cater to their needs.

  • (AGENT MUMBLING)

  • These guys... here.

  • I don't...

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • Shit.

  • ANNOUNCER: This job is not for everyone.

  • And that's why this time,

  • we're not advertising with NASCAR.

  • Instead, we're recruiting with this sweet-ass Honda Odyssey.

  • A practical car for reasonable, methodical people.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

  • ANNOUNCER: Please make sure you read the entirety

  • of this nuanced text before making any decisions.

  • And some of it's in Spanish,

  • because it would be really useful

  • if you could speak that.

  • But just to be clear, if you wanna fuck at Cirque du Soleil,

  • this is not the job for you.

  • And we will find out.

  • Last question, have you ever... and I mean ever

  • considered having sexual relations

  • at a performance of exotically dressed

  • Canadian acrobats?

  • No.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • We're done here.

  • ANNOUNCER: The point is, if you're kind, physically fit,

  • impervious to bribery or boredom,

  • and you want to serve your country

  • by enforcing a controversial and ever-changing

  • set of policies in the most humane way possible,

  • then give us a call: The Border Patrol.

  • We're hiring! Wish us luck with that.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Circus-fuckers need not apply.

  • (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

The border, the boundary that is incredibly tough

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