Here we go.

This first one is from @chrislilli.

He says, "I used to live with a guy who would put ketchup straight onto our glass coffee table to dip french fries in so he could avoid cleaning a dish."

[ Audience groans ]

[ Laughs ]

Wow.

This one is from @MelLynn.

She says, "My roommate used to knock on my bedroom door in the middle of the night and when I opened it, she would say, 'Just checking'."

[ Laughter and applause ]

Okay. Just terrified.

Okay.

This one is from @wyyyyyit.

How many Y's?

I think it's five Y's.

W-h-- -W-y-y-y-y-y-i-t.

-Wyyyyit. -Wyyyyit.

She says, "I wanted to get out of my apartment ASAP. I saw an ad that said,'Looking for a clean, quiet roommate.' I called the number. It was my roommate."

[ Audience oohs ]

Do you like piña coladas?

[ Chuckles ]

This next one's from @mahuls.

-Oh. Mahuls. -She said --

You know Mahuls?

Oh, Mahuls. I love Mahuls.

[ Laughter ]

No, that's not the non-alcoholic beverage that you drink.

Oh, it's not?

-That is O'Doul's. -Oh, that's O'Doul's.

It's okay. I'm sorry. I love O'Doul's.

Mahuls is a non-alcoholic bar.

-Non-alcoholic. [ Laughs ] -The whole bar, non-alcoholic.

That's actually a play land. It's a Gymboree.

-It's a Gymboree. -Gymboree for children.

Yeah, it's not even for adults. It's for children.

The ball pit.

It's a trampoline park.

-Yeah. -I don't want to get into it.

Lot of lawsuits.

[ Chuckles ] Lot of lawsuits.

(Because) there's no license.

No, zero licensing. And it's filthy.

Actually, it is a bar. It's a trampoline bar.

Anyways.

-Wait, it's a trampoline bar? -Anyways.

Yes, and there's a 6-foot pool in there, as well.

You could trampoline into the pool and drink.

It's awful. They should close it down.

I've been saying, "Please close Mahuls."

[ Laughter ]

I've always said that.

Oh, you've always said that. You have that tattoo.

This is -- I do.

I never get to see it.

-No, you can't see it. -That's the only --

-...That's the problem. -[ Laughing ] Yeah.

That's why I can't sleep at night.

I can't see most of my tattoos.

You should get a mirror that's a double mirror

so you can see yourself in the mirror backwards

so you can read your tattoos.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I think.

But I'm a vampire, so I can't even --

-...I don't have a reflection. -Oh, I forgot.

-I forgot. -I don't have a reflection.

- You don't understand what -- -You're Count Dracula Jr.

-[ As Sara ] You don't (even) understand what my life is like.

[ Laughter and applause ]

You don't even understand what my life is like!

Vampire with tattoos.

[ Normal voice ] All right. This is from @mahuls.

Oh. [ Laughter ]

She says, "My roommate would number her Kraft singles with a Sharpie so she'd know if we took one."

-Oh, God! -Oh!

That's that.

Uh, I'm missing, uh, singles 7 through 10.

[ Laughter ] -Did anybody eat those?

Anyone hungry?

That's what I thought.

[ Laughter ]

Someone's eating my cheese.

We're going to Mahuls.

We are going to Mahuls. Meet me there if you want to.

That's my last name.

-Yeah. -Oh, can you get us in?

No cover charge?

For three Kraft singles.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ] Because we're three crafty singles.

And a little cheesy.

[ Laughter and applause ]

All right. Let's just go.

[ Mumbles ]

Come on!

♪♪

Oh, his tattoo is acting up.

Walking across the stage.

Waving goodbye.

♪♪

Oh, my gosh!

You're taping this whole episode.

No, this is --

[ Laughter ]

Alexa, reco--

Alexa, record the To--

[ Thud ]

Uh, it wasn't Alexa.

It's felt tape.

Hey, this next one.

Who is it from?

This is from @paisleee.

Oh, I love her.

[ Laughter ]

She says, "There was a fire in our building at 4 a.m. Smoke filled the halls, but my roommate stopped to curl her hair in case a fireman saw her."

[ Laughter and applause ]

All right.

Are you November? [ Chuckles ]

[ Light laughter ]

Fireman calendar.

Okay.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Fireman calendar reference, right?

-Classic bit. -November.

Jimmy names the fireman calendars.

[ Laughs ]

You see, on calendars --

Mr. November. That's what I meant to say.

This one's from @brianricci.

He says, "Every time my roommate laughs at something on TV, he looks at me to see if I'm laughing, too".

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

No?

"I get it. Do you get it?" "No, I don't get it either."

"Do you think it's funny?"

This last one is from @mmmargolies.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

-M.M. -M.M.

M.M. Margolies.

M&M.

[ Light laughter ]

[ As Mahna Mahna ] Mah-nay mah-nem.

♪ M.M. Margolies ♪

-Mah-nay mah-nem. -♪ Margolies, too ♪

-Mah-nay mah-nem. -♪ Margoo, Margolies ♪

♪ Margolies, Margolies ♪

♪ We're going to drink at mahuls ♪

[ Scatting ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ] This last one's from @mmmargolies.

He says, "Once, I couldn't figure out why all my underwear was missing. I asked my roommate, and he pulled down his pants and said, "Looking for these?"

There you go.

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