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Now I thought I'd share some of my favorite #myweirdroommate stories from you guys.
Here we go.
This first one is from @chrislilli.
He says, "I used to live with a guy who would put ketchup straight onto our glass coffee table to dip french fries in so he could avoid cleaning a dish."
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughs ]
This one is from @MelLynn.
She says, "My roommate used to knock on my bedroom door in the middle of the night and when I opened it, she would say, 'Just checking'."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Okay. Just terrified.
This one is from @wyyyyyit.
How many Y's?
I think it's five Y's.
W-h-- -W-y-y-y-y-y-i-t.
-Wyyyyit. -Wyyyyit.
She says, "I wanted to get out of my apartment ASAP. I saw an ad that said,'Looking for a clean, quiet roommate.' I called the number. It was my roommate."
[ Audience oohs ]
Do you like piña coladas?
[ Chuckles ]
This next one's from @mahuls.
-Oh. Mahuls. -She said --
You know Mahuls?
Oh, Mahuls. I love Mahuls.
[ Laughter ]
No, that's not the non-alcoholic beverage that you drink.
Oh, it's not?
-That is O'Doul's. -Oh, that's O'Doul's.
It's okay. I'm sorry. I love O'Doul's.
Mahuls is a non-alcoholic bar.
-Non-alcoholic. [ Laughs ] -The whole bar, non-alcoholic.
That's actually a play land. It's a Gymboree.
-It's a Gymboree. -Gymboree for children.
Yeah, it's not even for adults. It's for children.
The ball pit.
It's a trampoline park.
-Yeah. -I don't want to get into it.
Lot of lawsuits.
[ Chuckles ] Lot of lawsuits.
(Because) there's no license.
No, zero licensing. And it's filthy.
Actually, it is a bar. It's a trampoline bar.
-Wait, it's a trampoline bar? -Anyways.
Yes, and there's a 6-foot pool in there, as well.
You could trampoline into the pool and drink.
It's awful. They should close it down.
I've been saying, "Please close Mahuls."
[ Laughter ]
I've always said that.
Oh, you've always said that. You have that tattoo.
This is -- I do.
I never get to see it.
-No, you can't see it. -That's the only --
-...That's the problem. -[ Laughing ] Yeah.
That's why I can't sleep at night.
I can't see most of my tattoos.
You should get a mirror that's a double mirror
so you can see yourself in the mirror backwards
so you can read your tattoos.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I think.
But I'm a vampire, so I can't even --
-...I don't have a reflection. -Oh, I forgot.
-I forgot. -I don't have a reflection.
- You don't understand what -- -You're Count Dracula Jr.
-[ As Sara ] You don't (even) understand what my life is like.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You don't even understand what my life is like!
Vampire with tattoos.
[ Normal voice ] All right. This is from @mahuls.
Oh. [ Laughter ]
She says, "My roommate would number her Kraft singles with a Sharpie so she'd know if we took one."
-Oh, God! -Oh!
That's that.
Uh, I'm missing, uh, singles 7 through 10.
[ Laughter ] -Did anybody eat those?
Anyone hungry?
That's what I thought.
[ Laughter ]
Someone's eating my cheese.
We're going to Mahuls.
We are going to Mahuls. Meet me there if you want to.
That's my last name.
-Yeah. -Oh, can you get us in?
No cover charge?
For three Kraft singles.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ] Because we're three crafty singles.
And a little cheesy.
[ Laughter and applause ]
All right. Let's just go.
[ Mumbles ]
Come on!
Oh, his tattoo is acting up.
Walking across the stage.
Waving goodbye.
Oh, my gosh!
You're taping this whole episode.
No, this is --
[ Laughter ]
Alexa, reco--
Alexa, record the To--
[ Thud ]
Uh, it wasn't Alexa.
It's felt tape.
Hey, this next one.
Who is it from?
This is from @paisleee.
Oh, I love her.
[ Laughter ]
She says, "There was a fire in our building at 4 a.m. Smoke filled the halls, but my roommate stopped to curl her hair in case a fireman saw her."
[ Laughter and applause ]
All right.
Are you November? [ Chuckles ]
[ Light laughter ]
Fireman calendar.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Fireman calendar reference, right?
-Classic bit. -November.
Jimmy names the fireman calendars.
[ Laughs ]
You see, on calendars --
Mr. November. That's what I meant to say.
This one's from @brianricci.
He says, "Every time my roommate laughs at something on TV, he looks at me to see if I'm laughing, too".
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
"I get it. Do you get it?" "No, I don't get it either."
"Do you think it's funny?"
This last one is from @mmmargolies.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-M.M. -M.M.
M.M. Margolies.
[ Light laughter ]
[ As Mahna Mahna ] Mah-nay mah-nem.
♪ M.M. Margolies ♪
-Mah-nay mah-nem. -♪ Margolies, too ♪
-Mah-nay mah-nem. -♪ Margoo, Margolies ♪
♪ Margolies, Margolies ♪
♪ We're going to drink at mahuls ♪
[ Scatting ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] This last one's from @mmmargolies.
He says, "Once, I couldn't figure out why all my underwear was missing. I asked my roommate, and he pulled down his pants and said, "Looking for these?"
There you go.
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Hashtags: #MyWeirdRoommate

4032 Folder Collection
Evangeline published on November 13, 2018    Liang Chen translated    Evangeline reviewed
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