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  • >>Russell Peters: My Lebanese friends, ever gone back to Beirut?

  • Let me tell you something. I've partied, all over the world, and by far, without trying to suck up to you guys,

  • 'Cause I'm scared--

  • but out of all the places I've been to, in the world, Beirut parties, like you've never seen, before.

  • They literally party, like there's no tomorrow!

  • There could, very well be, over there, you know?

  • And you've never seen chain-smoking, like you-- like, you go to Beirut, you see chain-smoking!

  • To us, chainsmokers light up a cigarette, finish, throw it on the ground, and start another one.

  • Lebanon? Three at a time.

  • One in this hand, one in this hand, and, like, one of those fake blue ones for safety, you know what I mean?

  • And I'm like, "Dude, aren't you worried about getting cancer?"

  • [Arabic accent] "I will never die of cancer."

  • [Normal voice] "Do you have the cure?"

  • [Arabic accent] "The Yehudis will kill me, well before the cancer can, I don't have to worry about that!"

  • "Cancer-- AIDS-- No disease, will get me, don't worry!"

  • I know what the problem is, in the Middle East.

  • My Arab friends, listen up.

  • Here's how to start change, over there.

  • Here's what the first problem is. Arab men--

  • will never say,

  • [Arabic accent] "No! I don't know."

  • They will never say no, and they will never admit, to not knowing something.

  • It, somehow, emasculates an Arab man, to not know something. It doesn't matter what it is--

  • if he doesn't know, he'll make up a story.

  • And he will yell it, at you!

  • Doesn't matter what you ask him, it could be something as simple as, "Hey uh, do you know how to make a cake?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."

  • "Everybody knows how to make cake!"

  • [Normal voice] "Really? 'Cause I don't know how to make cake."

  • "Could you show me?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Yes."

  • You know how you can tell, when an Arab guy's lying?

  • He'll start his answer off with,

  • [Arabic accent] "Okay."

  • That's the fucking tip-off, when you know he's lying--

  • right then.

  • 'Cause I'm like, "Really? I don't know how to make a cake. How do you make a cake?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Okay."

  • "First, you get cake."

  • "Then, you make it, for 20 minutes."

  • "Then, you have cake."

  • [Normal voice] "Are you sure?"

  • "Cause I don't think that's how you make cake."

  • [Yelling in an Arabic accent] "THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE CAKE!"

  • 'THEY HAVE BEEN MAKING CAKE, LIKE THAT, SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME!"

  • I'm like, "Alright, don't get crazy! I'm just asking."

  • It's true! It doesn't matter what you ask them. If they don't know, they will make up a story

  • It's-- and this really happened to me, last year.

  • I was in Dubai.

  • I was in Bloomingdale's, the department store. The American department store.

  • So, clearly, there's a problem with the Jews and the Arabs.

  • So, I'm in Bloomingdale's-- I'm looking to leave the store. I'm looking for an escalator,

  • I see a security guy, standing there, I walk up, and I go,

  • "Hi, is there an escalator in here?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Yes."

  • [Normal voice] "Uh, do you know where it is?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."

  • [Normal voice] "Do you think you could tell me, where it is?

  • [Arabic accent] "Yes."

  • [Normal voice] "Fuckin' tell me then!"

  • [Arabic accent] "Okay--"

  • "You go straight, then left, then right."

  • I have no reason to doubt this guy.

  • Go straight, then left, then right. So, I go straight--

  • I go left--

  • and I go right, into a wall!

  • There's another guy, working in that part of the store. I go, "Excuse me, is there an escalator, here?" He goes,

  • [Arabic accent] "Do you see one?"

  • I go, "No, I don't see one. That's why I'm asking."

  • [Arabic accent] "Do you think, maybe, they put a wall in front of it?

  • I go, "I don't know what I think, that's why I'm asking you!"

  • [Arabic accent] "Why would you think there is an escalator, on this wall?"

  • [Normal voice] "Cause some guy, that worked here, told me, there was an escalator, here.

  • [Arabic accent] "Maybe he lied."

  • [Normal voice] "Who the Hell lies, about an escalator?!"

  • [Arabic accent] "Apparently that guy."

  • I go, "Is there an escalator, in your store?!"

  • [Arabic accent] "Of course! How else you go up and down?"

  • [Normal voice] "Do you know, where it is?"

  • [Arabic accent] "I work here!

  • [Normal voice] "So did that guy!"

  • "Can you tell me, where it is?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Yes."

  • [Yelling in normal voice] "WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?!"

  • [Arabic accent] "Okay--"

  • "You have to go back--"

  • "Then go straight, then left, then right."

  • I go, "No, no, no, no! That's how I ended up here. Those are the same directions!"

  • [Arabic accent] Well, that's where it is."

  • [Normal voice] "Are you sure?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Why would I lie?

  • [Normal voice] "Why would that guy lie?!"

  • [Arabic accent] "That's his problem."

  • I go, "Okay, thank you."

  • So, I go back. I walked past the guy, that gave me the bullshit directions.

  • Now, I'm hoping, as a man, that this guy, is going to continue the lie, for me.

  • At least, do that, you know? When I say, "Hey man, there's no escalator, over there."

  • I'm hoping this guy's gonna be like,

  • [Shocked Arabic accent] "What?!"

  • "It was just there, one hour ago!"

  • "They moved it?!"

  • But nothing! I go, "Hey man, there's no escalator, over there."

  • This guy goes--

  • That's the problem, in the Middle East.

  • Arab men, you need to know how to say,

  • [Arabic accent] "No! I don't know."

  • Do you realize how much shit could've been avoided?

  • The Iraq War, would never have happened!

  • They knew they didn't have weapons of mass destruction!

  • But when the U.S. asked them, "Do you have weapons of mass destruction?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."

  • "Everybody has weapons of mass destruction!"

  • Even the Iraqi people were like,

  • [Arabic accent] "What are you doing?! Shut up!"

  • [North American accent] "Where are they?"

  • [Arabic accent] "Okay--"

  • "Go straight, then left, then right."

  • ♪ ♪

>>Russell Peters: My Lebanese friends, ever gone back to Beirut?

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