I know it's late I, uh, I haven't really done one of these late night vlogs in a long time.

Uh...

I don't know what the title says. Probably something depressing, uh

Honestly, I'm not- I'm not depressed if it sounds like that, or whatever it is.

Or whatever this boils down to in a three-word phrase, um...

But I don't know.

I a- a- as is usual when I do these late night vlogs, usually the fuel is me getting nostalgic.

Uh, and this is no different. I was... I was looking through DeviantArt.

And I was looking at old pieces of fan art...

And...

I was... I was remembering.

I was remembering what was going on....

In those times that I was taken back to those moments in my life.

And I was taken back to... you know when I was first starting the channel and...

And- And one of the key differences between then and now besides the number of people here is um...

It's not my attitude towards making videos. It's...

It's my perspective for making videos.

Cuz before... like I was beaming and shining with optimism and I was looking up, you know. Looking up.

Uh

And I was looking up at what could be and I had aspirations and I had goals and I had...

Um

I had dreams and I had you guys an...and

and, uh- and it was like you know it was an underdog story at that point.

And uh, you know, I...

Uh, I...

I miss it.

Like.. I- I really miss that.

'Cause you know you spend so- so much time looking at the top of the hill

you don't think what you're gonna do when you get there and here I am

now with almost 17 million people about to

subscribe and I'm trying to comprehend what that means.

'Cause...

Like I..

I don't know

I..I almost don't feel like I'm looking up anymore.

You know.

There's certain realities about this job that weren't apparent you know when I was starting out.

And some of the harder realities are you can't be there for everybody and that...

that's the hardest blow to take

first.

When you realize that

the personal connection that you had

with your fans isn't as concrete as it

could be and you get stuck in this weird

loop where if you can't please everybody

then you have a tough time pleasing anybody.

Not to say I only do videos

to please you guys but...

you know.

It.. It's the, uh-

It's the conundrum of choice. The more choice you have the less happy you are

because you're not able to commit your time to something.

And again I'm not saying like I'm not trying to say I'm depressed here I'm not. I actually

I actually am-

I actually am happier than I have been making videos. Um...

But the one part where I'm not as happy

and it's becoming more apparent the more dedicated I am back into making videos and-

What happens is, an- and let me just give you a snippet of what my life is right now ..How

How, uh, fucked up it's become since I was in engineering school

aspiring to do YouTube videos in my bedroom

to now, where I'm actively turning down

Movies and TV roles, and

book deals and like-

I'm saying no to all these things, just cause like

I didn't come for that you know I-

I don't know I feel like...

I don't know. I feel like don't deserve it.

You know in a way-

like I haven't earned it yet and uh...

and, I feel like and I feel like in that-

'Cause what- what it's the it's the whole choice thing, you know.

I've got so many options that I can do and I've got so many ambitions of what I want to do.

It's not like I don't have goals but there's so many things that I could focus my time on

that you end up focusing on nothing and you end up just kind of drifting but you're like:

"I can't give everything my undivided attention."

So, what would even be the point of like

commit- starting now and then you just end up in limbo.

And I know it might seem like I'm whining here, "Oh, success it sucks so much."

Nah, that's not what I'm saying.

Because, like, me doing this has never been about me being successful.

It's been about

you know- this amazing

journey that I've been able to be a part of,

and the amazing people that I've met along the way,

and the opportunities that have been given to me. (sniff) I'm a mess, sorry.

I don't know.

I just feel lost.

Like I feel like.

I'm aimlessly wandering.

And I'm tired of it.

Like I'm tired of that feeling,

I'm tired of that feeling of... you know,

just staying in limbo.

I'm tired of seeming like I'm not going anywhere, spinning my wheels.

'Cause

in- in the beginning

of this channel like...

I didn't give a fuck about the rules,

I didn't give a fuck about-

how people thought YouTube videos should be done.

And God, what am I trying to say? I was doing Let's Plays but, you know

I was doing vlogs... like sometimes two, three times a week, just 'cause I wanted to talk to you guys.

And I couldn't get enough of it,

like I could not get enough of it.

I couldn't stop talking to you guys

and I couldn't- I couldn't give up on it, I could never give up on it and-

and that feeling, like that feeling

I'm an introvert

an...and even I

That feeling...

The feeling of knowing that what you say

influences people.

And that feeling of knowing that each and every one of those people

matter.

And that feeling

of just raw creation and the feeling of raw,

unexplored territory and knowing that,

like, you don't know what's around the corner, like that feeling.

and...

I'm afraid,

you know, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that...

Like-

Like I'm afraid that I've been doing this

for so long that I've lost...

Like, even the possibility of feeling that again.

Like, that's my biggest fear, that's always been my biggest fear

is losing my way on YouTube. I mean I- I don't care if my channel crashes and burns,

I don't- I don't care about that, I don't care if I fade into darkness,

like, I don't care, I don't care if people hate my- my stuff, my content,

I don't care if people don't like my videos, I've never cared about that.

Like I'm- I'm not afraid of failure-

I'm afraid of disappointing you guys.

Like-

You are the most important thing that's ever happened in my life,

whether you know it or not..

Because the most amazing thing isn't- isn't that

I've helped people or that I've, you know,

saved lives. People say that all the time.

I still doubt it..

But- the most amazing thing isn't-

That it's- that-

you guys saved me.

and

I- I just want you guys to know that.

And I want you guys to know who I am,

and the only way that I can do that is by being more honest both to myself and to you guys.

that I can do that is by being more honest..

both to myself and to you guys.

and..

I'm a goddamn disgusting mess, I know that

I know it's horrible, I know

(Sniff)

(Groan)

I know it's bad

But it's the truth.

(Sniff) It's the truth of who I am, an' it's the truth of where I've come from,

and it's the truth of where I- I'm gonna go,

if- if I want to be where I want to be

where I want to be.

I have to take the right steps

and I have to

make the right choices,

and I have to make a conscious effort every day to be better

Not just a drifting blasé

"Oh do my videos every day

because I'm obligated to do that."

No

And I'm not saying I'm not gonna do my videos don't get scared about that.

I'm not quitting YouTube that's not what this video is about, I'm not doing that, that's-

No, not at all. Even if it may sound like that. No, God, no. I'm not quitting.