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  • Hey guys, um, sorry if I woke you up,

  • I know it's late I, uh, I haven't really done one of these late night vlogs in a long time.

  • Uh...

  • I don't know what the title says. Probably something depressing, uh

  • Honestly, I'm not- I'm not depressed if it sounds like that, or whatever it is.

  • Or whatever this boils down to in a three-word phrase, um...

  • But I don't know.

  • I a- a- as is usual when I do these late night vlogs, usually the fuel is me getting nostalgic.

  • Uh, and this is no different. I was... I was looking through DeviantArt.

  • And I was looking at old pieces of fan art...

  • And...

  • I was... I was remembering.

  • I was remembering what was going on....

  • In those times that I was taken back to those moments in my life.

  • And I was taken back to... you know when I was first starting the channel and...

  • And- And one of the key differences between then and now besides the number of people here is um...

  • It's not my attitude towards making videos. It's...

  • It's my perspective for making videos.

  • Cuz before... like I was beaming and shining with optimism and I was looking up, you know. Looking up.

  • Uh

  • And I was looking up at what could be and I had aspirations and I had goals and I had...

  • Um

  • I had dreams and I had you guys an...and

  • and, uh- and it was like you know it was an underdog story at that point.

  • And uh, you know, I...

  • Uh, I...

  • I miss it.

  • Like.. I- I really miss that.

  • 'Cause you know you spend so- so much time looking at the top of the hill

  • you don't think what you're gonna do when you get there and here I am

  • now with almost 17 million people about to

  • subscribe and I'm trying to comprehend what that means.

  • 'Cause...

  • Like I..

  • I don't know

  • I..I almost don't feel like I'm looking up anymore.

  • You know.

  • There's certain realities about this job that weren't apparent you know when I was starting out.

  • And some of the harder realities are you can't be there for everybody and that...

  • that's the hardest blow to take

  • first.

  • When you realize that

  • the personal connection that you had

  • with your fans isn't as concrete as it

  • could be and you get stuck in this weird

  • loop where if you can't please everybody

  • then you have a tough time pleasing anybody.

  • Not to say I only do videos

  • to please you guys but...

  • you know.

  • It.. It's the, uh-

  • It's the conundrum of choice. The more choice you have the less happy you are

  • because you're not able to commit your time to something.

  • And again I'm not saying like I'm not trying to say I'm depressed here I'm not. I actually

  • I actually am-

  • I actually am happier than I have been making videos. Um...

  • But the one part where I'm not as happy

  • and it's becoming more apparent the more dedicated I am back into making videos and-

  • What happens is, an- and let me just give you a snippet of what my life is right now ..How

  • How, uh, fucked up it's become since I was in engineering school

  • aspiring to do YouTube videos in my bedroom

  • to now, where I'm actively turning down

  • Movies and TV roles, and

  • book deals and like-

  • I'm saying no to all these things, just cause like

  • I didn't come for that you know I-

  • I don't know I feel like...

  • I don't know. I feel like don't deserve it.

  • You know in a way-

  • like I haven't earned it yet and uh...

  • and, I feel like and I feel like in that-

  • 'Cause what- what it's the it's the whole choice thing, you know.

  • I've got so many options that I can do and I've got so many ambitions of what I want to do.

  • It's not like I don't have goals but there's so many things that I could focus my time on

  • that you end up focusing on nothing and you end up just kind of drifting but you're like:

  • "I can't give everything my undivided attention."

  • So, what would even be the point of like

  • commit- starting now and then you just end up in limbo.

  • And I know it might seem like I'm whining here, "Oh, success it sucks so much."

  • Nah, that's not what I'm saying.

  • Because, like, me doing this has never been about me being successful.

  • It's been about

  • you know- this amazing

  • journey that I've been able to be a part of,

  • and the amazing people that I've met along the way,

  • and the opportunities that have been given to me. (sniff) I'm a mess, sorry.

  • I don't know.

  • I just feel lost.

  • Like I feel like.

  • I'm aimlessly wandering.

  • And I'm tired of it.

  • Like I'm tired of that feeling,

  • I'm tired of that feeling of... you know,

  • just staying in limbo.

  • I'm tired of seeming like I'm not going anywhere, spinning my wheels.

  • 'Cause

  • in- in the beginning

  • of this channel like...

  • I didn't give a fuck about the rules,

  • I didn't give a fuck about-

  • how people thought YouTube videos should be done.

  • And God, what am I trying to say? I was doing Let's Plays but, you know

  • I was doing vlogs... like sometimes two, three times a week, just 'cause I wanted to talk to you guys.

  • And I couldn't get enough of it,

  • like I could not get enough of it.

  • I couldn't stop talking to you guys

  • and I couldn't- I couldn't give up on it, I could never give up on it and-

  • and that feeling, like that feeling

  • I'm an introvert

  • an...and even I

  • That feeling...

  • The feeling of knowing that what you say

  • influences people.

  • And that feeling of knowing that each and every one of those people

  • matter.

  • And that feeling

  • of just raw creation and the feeling of raw,

  • unexplored territory and knowing that,

  • like, you don't know what's around the corner, like that feeling.

  • and...

  • I'm afraid,

  • you know, I'm afraid.

  • I'm afraid that...

  • Like-

  • Like I'm afraid that I've been doing this

  • for so long that I've lost...

  • Like, even the possibility of feeling that again.

  • Like, that's my biggest fear, that's always been my biggest fear

  • is losing my way on YouTube. I mean I- I don't care if my channel crashes and burns,

  • I don't- I don't care about that, I don't care if I fade into darkness,

  • like, I don't care, I don't care if people hate my- my stuff, my content,

  • I don't care if people don't like my videos, I've never cared about that.

  • Like I'm- I'm not afraid of failure-

  • I'm afraid of disappointing you guys.

  • Like-

  • You are the most important thing that's ever happened in my life,

  • whether you know it or not..

  • Because the most amazing thing isn't- isn't that

  • I've helped people or that I've, you know,

  • saved lives. People say that all the time.

  • I still doubt it..

  • But- the most amazing thing isn't-

  • That it's- that-

  • you guys saved me.

  • and

  • I- I just want you guys to know that.

  • And I want you guys to know who I am,

  • and the only way that I can do that is by being more honest both to myself and to you guys.

  • that I can do that is by being more honest..

  • both to myself and to you guys.

  • and..

  • I'm a goddamn disgusting mess, I know that

  • I know it's horrible, I know

  • (Sniff)

  • (Groan)

  • I know it's bad

  • But it's the truth.

  • (Sniff) It's the truth of who I am, an' it's the truth of where I've come from,

  • and it's the truth of where I- I'm gonna go,

  • if- if I want to be where I want to be

  • where I want to be.

  • I have to take the right steps

  • and I have to

  • make the right choices,

  • and I have to make a conscious effort every day to be better

  • Not just a drifting blasé

  • "Oh do my videos every day

  • because I'm obligated to do that."

  • No

  • And I'm not saying I'm not gonna do my videos don't get scared about that.

  • I'm not quitting YouTube that's not what this video is about, I'm not doing that, that's-

  • No, not at all. Even if it may sound like that. No, God, no. I'm not quitting.

  • God, no, I'm not quitting.

  • 'Cause I-I couldn't give up..

  • I'm not gonna give up.

  • Like, again, I- at the beginning of this video I said I'm not depressed and that's a hundred percent true.

  • I'm not, I'm happier than I've ever been and creatively, like, making cool things.

  • I'm just....

  • remembering...

  • How important it was

  • to come across as

  • who I really am.

  • And love the things that I really do,

  • and- and I feel like I haven't been able to show you guys the things that I love.

  • Because the only thing I love

  • is the thing that you guys make!

  • Like, God, I love it!

  • And I- And I'm afraid that you guys get sick of it because

  • I- I'm not really a fan of

  • like, music, and I'm not really a fan

  • of other things, like I love space and all that but if you- if you were to summarize the list of things I love

  • It comes down to: Chica, my girlfriend, space,

  • like, my family, my friends, and then...

  • Bueh

  • like- what, I don't- I don't listen to music,

  • I- I drive with silence. I'm not a fan of anything but you guys.

  • Nothing's better than seeing

  • the amazing things that you guys can make

  • and seeing you grow

  • and seeing you go on and make your own things,

  • and seeing what you can do it,

  • it's amazing!

  • And I love it!

  • I love it so much.

  • And that's the feeling.

  • That's the feeling I missed.

  • Showing that...

  • just- pure and simple adoration of what you guys do for me.

  • And it's not like I'm saying "worship me as an idol make more Fanart,"

  • No, I'm not even saying about the stuff you make for me,

  • like, just this stuff that you guys do.

  • I- I-

  • it's amazing.

  • It is unbelievably amazing.

  • (Sniff) And I never want to lose that feeling.

  • I gotta make sure that every day,

  • every single day,

  • I chase that feeling.

  • 'Cause that's what drives me, that-

  • Above all else. Making cool shit is fine, but that.

  • That's what gets me out of bed in the morning.

  • That's what makes me pull an all-nighter.

  • That's what makes- That's what makes me want to be

  • better, that's what makes me want to show you guys

  • what I can do.

  • Ah

  • That feeling is everything.

  • Ah, anyway I thought I was - I thought I was done

  • blubbering but had a little more blubber in me.

  • But I think I'll end it here.

  • Uh, it's been rambling enough,

  • and, uh, you guys gotta get back to bed. Sorry again for waking you.

  • Or if you're watching this in the middle of the day

  • and you have no idea what I'm talking about, just put it in the column where I'm rambling. Just put it over there.

  • And ah, (sniff)

  • Yeah that was gross.

  • I'm gonna keep talking to you guys more

  • and I'm going to be here for you guys more

  • and again, I'm not making empty promises, I won't do that. I'll never do that again.

  • But I will be better.

  • I will.

  • So thank you everybody so much for watching,

  • thanks for giving me some of your time tonight,

  • and, uh, as always,

  • I will see you

  • in the next video.

  • Bye-bye!

Hey guys, um, sorry if I woke you up,

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A2 US sniff afraid amazing quitting vlogs care

I Feel Lost

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    吳昀聲 posted on 2018/07/21
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