♪ Booba-dooba-doo-bee bado-daba-dabeep-bop ♪

I believe in this health and wellness.

I believe in this fitness lifestyle.

You know what? Why not drag

one of my closest friends in with me?

So I'm waiting on Conan O'Brien to come outside now.

I'm about to take his old ass to the gym with me,

his old, pale ass.

- There he is. - Hey.

- Good to see you. - Hey. Good to see you too.

How you doing?

- Not good. - Not good? What happened?

I'm here. Long night, Conan.

Okay. Nothing's gonna make you feel better

than a good workout. Here's my thought,

nothing gets the endorphins going like wrestling

with large naked men.

- Okay. That's... - You wanna hear what we're

- gonna do today? - What are we gonna do?

We're gonna sumo wrestle.

( music playing )

( yelling in foreign language )

It was interesting because I was watching

male pornography when a pop-up ad came up

for male sumo wrestling and I thought,

- "That's what I see when I look in the mirror." - ( laughs )

So...

You're a damaged soul.

It's not my fault.

Grew up in a rough neighborhood.

Enough.

- Conan, enough. - (laughs)

How does your wife do it?

How does she do it?

Well, I'll be honest, she never seems quite happy.

- Oh, my God. - ( laughs )

Oh, my God.

So listen, sumo wrestlers burn

up to 30,000 calories a day.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

So here's what we got to do,

- we got to carbo load if-- - We got to what?

There's a new school of thought, very new.

It says, before you exercise

you have to get as many fats,

and as much sugar into you as possible.

This is what I always do when I walk into a restaurant.

Watch this.

Hey, folks, everyone settle down, yeah.

Some pretty big celebrities

just walked into the room.

Let's not get crazy, all right?

This happens every day, just settle down.

I do that every time I walk into a joint.

( laughs )

Waitress: Good morning. Can I get you guys

some coffee maybe?

Yeah, actually let me get a...

black coffee.

- Okay. - Do want a coffee?

Yeah. Do you have beer?

- I do, yes. - Wait, what?

- Do you have Sam Adams? - I sure do.

- Give me a Sam Adams. - No, no. Stop. No

- I want a Sam Adams. I want to carbo load. - I'll go ahead

- and get that for him. - I order for me,

- he orders for him. - it's a good starter for the morning.

- I'll get a Sam Adams. - And you're old enough, right?

- I love you. ( growls ) - I'll be right back. ( laughs )

Women love it when you... ( growls )

Conan.

All right, that's it.

Do you want some of this?

This is free. You can have as many of these

- as you want. - Hey, Conan, don't do that.

I take these when I go...

- All right, all right. - ...to a restaurant.

- All right. - We don't need the Sam Adams.

- There you go. - Sam Adams is a good beer.

Would you guys like to order?

- Conan: Yeah. - Kevin: Give me some scrambled

- egg whites. - scrambled egg whites, okay.

Turkey bacon, and let me get

- the whole wheat toast. - Would you like that

with butter?

- No. Ugh. - No butter?

- No butter. - Eat healthy all the way.

- Yeah. Healthy all the way. - Okay.

- Thank you. - What about you?

All right, I would like two Belgian waffles

- with whipped cream. - Okay.

I would like bacon,

I would also like sausage.

Give me a ham steak.

I would also like to have pancakes.

How many do you want?

- I want like nine pancakes. - Nine of them.

- Stop. - Okay. I would also like--

Excuse me, did I interrupt your order?

- Okay. Stop. - Did I interrupt your order?

- Okay? - Okay, perfect.

Does anybody else here not care about their heart?

- ( laughter ) - Waitress: All right, all set.

We got some sausage, nine pancakes,

waffles, second waffle.

I'm not paying for this ( bleep ).

I'll pay for it, okay?

( music playing )

- Can we get that pie to go? - You sure can.

- Yes, can I get another beer? - All right, that's enough.

- Right. - That's enough, let's go.

- Let's go. - Wait up.

- Just give me a second. - Thank you, ma'am.

- Check. - Conan: No, no.

- I think we're good. - Check!

Check!

That's enough, you don't need this.

- I'm gonna take that with me. - That's enough.

- Oh, what did you do that for? - Just pay the bill.

- Pay the bill. - That was a good beer.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you. Everyone have a great meal

- and a terrific day, right? - Man: Yeah.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

What the hell is wrong with you, people?

- ( laughter ) - ( Conan grumbles )

- Waitress: Have a good day, thanks. - Conan: Thank you.

Kevin: Listen, listen,

- U.S.A. U.S.A... - Yeah. And I love nobody...

- Nobody says... - Nobody says anything.

- "What's wrong with you people?" - ( laughter )

( music playing )

You chanted "U..."

- Do you want pie? - No.

I don't want pie.

( music playing )

To be completely honest,

I don't feel great right now.

I think the beer might have been a mistake,

might have been. I'm not putting it

in the definite mistake column yet.

Belgian waffle was a mistake.

- What are you talking about? - Pancakes.

I just don't feel great.

I feel a little sluggish because of--

I think because of what I ate.

I think I'm gonna have diarrhea

in like half an hour.

Of course you are. That's great.

This is your car, right?

- Of course. - I'd hate to have diarrhea

- In my car. - Of course. Right.

Are you-- are you serious right now?

I wish I was wearing an adult diaper.

That's great. That's perfect.

Because then I would just ( bleep ) right now.

Of course you would.

Of course, it'd be an odor

- not pleasant for you, but... - That's right.

- if it's a good diaper... - That's right.

Maybe if we could just refrain

- from... - Okay.

- from doing it now. - Okay.

Listen to me, when we get there

I'm gonna have diarrhea,

- we'll get that out of way, - That's good.

we'll evacuate my bowels,

- Then I'm ready to sumo wrestle. - Okay.

( music playing )

Kevin: I can't believe you dragged me into this ( bleep ).

Doesn't it feel good to not be in a gym?

Doesn't it feel good to be

- in this beautiful setting? - I'm not knocking that,

I'm not knocking that.

I'm not a negative Nancy.

I'll embrace what you said and what-- Oh, my god.

( music playing )