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  • Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday.

  • Every four years the 32 best men's national soccer teams

  • gather together for the World Cup

  • which is played in whatever country has most successfully bribed FIFA officials.

  • It's the most watched sporting event in the world!

  • and the United States... won't be there.

  • Here's an introduction to the 32 nations that will:

  • Argentina have Lionel Messi, arguably the best

  • player never to win the World Cup

  • Australia's national team are called the Socceroos

  • which makes them hard to dislike.

  • Belgium have argyle in their uniforms

  • so they'll probably win the tournament.

  • Brazil are consistently a joy to watch

  • except when they are playing Germany

  • and they're the favorites to win the World Cup this year.

  • Colombia's jerseys look like they have an armpit sweat pattern

  • but I will not let that distract me from

  • the extraordinary good looks of their star player James Rodriguez.

  • Costa Rica just passed the United States in life expectancy

  • in addition to beating us twice in World Cup qualifying, so that's nice for them.

  • Croatia are notable for having a chessboard on their uniform.

  • Denmark invented Lego so that makes them fun to root for.

  • Egypt has qualified for their first World Cup since 1990 and they are

  • led by noted hero and dreamboat Mohamed Salah

  • and their goalkeeper is 45 years old which is a real inspiration to old people like me

  • all in all they are my adopted team for the World Cup.

  • England. Right, so the deal with England is that

  • every World Cup all the fans are like

  • "Our team isn't even that good. We probably won't even make the quarterfinals"

  • and then they do make the quarterfinals whereupon they lose and all the fans are shocked and devastated

  • that their national team did EXACTLY what it always does.

  • France's mascot is a rooster. Also, they're a trendy pick to win the World Cup this year

  • but they couldn't beat the United States in a friendly over the weekend so I'm a bit dubious.

  • Germany are very good and they have a manager who always

  • looks like an aging Beatle trying to hail a cab.

  • Iceland qualified for the World Cup despite having a population smaller than Wichita, Kansas.

  • HOW ARE WE NOT GOING TO THE WORLD CUP?

  • I'm sorry. That is off topic.

  • Congratulations to Iceland who would be a great pick

  • for my adopted team if it weren't for my undying love for Mohamed Salah.

  • Iran's backup goalkeeper slept on the floor of the pizza restaurant where he worked until

  • signing a professional contract a few years ago.

  • Almost all of Japan's players play professionally for Japanese teams, which is why it's no excuse to say MLS

  • isn't good enough to develop World Cup level players.

  • Mexico are obviously the best team in North America

  • also they have Rafa Marquez who will be playing in his FIFTH World Cup.

  • Morocco have a very strong defense which they will need against Spain and Portugal.

  • Nigeria, meanwhile, have the best kits in the tournament

  • and if they weren't in the hardest group they might go far. But... they *are* in the hardest group.

  • Panama have qualified for their first World Cup ever which is

  • great and I am totally over the fact that they beat the United States in qualifying

  • HOW DO YOU LOSE TO TRINIDAD?

  • My friend the writer Daniel Alarcón is Peruvian AND their uniform has a sash AND they've qualified for their first

  • World Cup since 1982 making them an excellent choice for your adopted team

  • until and unless you look into these dreamy eyes.

  • Poland are a good long shot pick to go far in the tournament if their star striker Robert Lewandowski is in form.

  • Portugal have Cristiano Ronaldo if you're into that kind of thing

  • I'm sorry, I'm trying to work my way through some of my issues around Real Madrid right now.

  • Russia is hosting the tournament and I'm not gonna say

  • anything else because I am genuinely scared of Vladimir Putin.

  • Saudi Arabia are the biggest underdogs

  • Serbia has a defense with tons of experience

  • or, put another way, they're old.

  • Nobody agrees with me but I think Senegal could go to

  • the semi-finals because Sadio Mane is really good and no this video has not

  • been biased by my affection for Liverpool.

  • South Korea's coach is only four years older than Egypt's goalkeeper.

  • Spain are kind of the Yankees of soccer.

  • Sweden no longer has football's biggest personality, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, so why bother?

  • Switzerland specializes in neutrality which is perhaps why they play so many

  • excruciatingly boring nil-nil draws.

  • Tunisia's kits look so good I bought one but I fear their World Cup will be brief.

  • And last but not least, Uruguay are probably best known for having a striker, Luis Suarez,

  • who has bitten opponents on three separate occasions

  • but that ignores the important fact that in more than 99% of his competitive games Luis Suarez hasn't bitten ANYONE

  • a NEARLY perfect record.

  • I'll be live-tweeting every game of this year's World Cup

  • at my sports twitter @sportswithjohn I hope to see you there.

  • Hank, I will see you on Friday.

Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday.

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B1 US world cup cup world tournament qualified goalkeeper

Your 4-Minute Guide to ALL 32 TEAMS at the 2018 World Cup

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    Samuel posted on 2018/06/21
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