We have an all-military audience

- the best audience all year. - I know.

[ Cheers and applause ]

My dad, my dad was in the U.S. Navy.

- So, you know... - Is that right? Hey.

[ Cheers and applause ] Me too.

I have a long history with seaman, so... yeah.

[ Laughter ]

-Yeah. -Yeah, that's...

- Me too. - I don't want to know about...

Well, I can clearly see you have something in your hair.

[ Audience "Oohs" ]

No, I meant my dad was in the Navy.

That's very bad

That's what I meant to say, he was...

It's always great to see you. You look fantastic.

-Oh, so do you. -Thank you. I appreciate that.

What about me is so fantastic? No, I'm just kidding.

-Your hair. -Thank you very much.

I want to talk to you about...

It's burger season now. And you...

-It's always burger season. -It is.

No, but you... [ Cheers and applause ]

- Isn't it? - I'm ready to put it

into full gear. You want me to taste

a taste test of which burger, right, is that what's going on?

Well, I have... I'm always disappointed.

Sorry, guys and girls and ladies and transgender people

in the audience tonight.

But I... I'm always disappointed by the American burger

because you go in and there's no beets,

there's no caramelized onion, and there's no egg.

-What? -So, I have got

an Australian burger organized for you.

But I also have a vegetarian burger.

Ooh, wow, wow, wow. [ Cheers ]

Which, I swear to God, is the best goddamn burger...

Superiority Burger — you will ever have in your life.

All right. So how do you want to do this?

Well, I want to blindfold you, for many reasons.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ] This is gonna be fun!

-Okay. -Okay.

- All right, here we go. -That's not a blindfold.

That's something you get in first class on American Airlines.

[ Laughter ]

I wouldn't know. I only fly coach.

[ Light laughter ]

-Is that good? -That's -- I don't know.

-Does it look not good? -You feeling comfortable?

-Feels like 50 shades of... -50 shades of burger.

-Yeah, burger. 50 shades of burger.

Are you ready for your burger? Bring on the burgers, boys.

-All right, here they are. -Okay.

All right.

We're gonna go with the traditional first

because I know you're a traditional kind of guy.

Why am I blindfolded? I know what a burger looks like.

[ Laughter ]

It's like... so weird.

-Cause it's sexy. -Yeah, okay. Got it.

So, this is the traditional Australian burger.

It's got egg. It's got caramelized onions.

It's got lettuce. I should work at McDonald's.

All right. An Australian burger.

-It's only got one bun. -Okay.

Now what do I -- Now do I eat it?

That gets the egg going. [ Audience groans ]

I know. -Wait. What are they making

these noises for?

[ Laughter ]

I don't know what is gonna go down, man.

-I trust you. -Oh, my God, it is so big.

-I just... -Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, my God, this is gonna be so much fun, Jimmy.

-I can't wait for you to eat it! -All right, here we go.

Right. [ Cheers ]

- Now what do I do? - You open your mouth.

[ Laughter ]

Said the actress to the bishop.

-[ Laughs ] -Okay, okay, over here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Do we have a napkin?

That is fantastic.

-That is not the vegetarian. - Nope.

- Okay. So what did you get?

Did you get the caramelized onions?

There's a beet in there. It actually tasted real good.

So, you forget beets in America, really important.

-I never had that. -What else did you get?

-I got egg in there. Caramelized onions, right?

Did you get, you know, GM-beef or did you get... oh, hang on.

What does GM beef mean?

Oh [bleep] I'm so sorry.

[ Laughter ]

What is going on?

You are gonna go home to your wife and she is going say,

"What is that on your pants?"

[ Laughter ]

-That's happened before. -I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

Okay, so... -Did something just drip on me?

You need to cleanse it with a beer.

-Okay. -Okay?

Sure. [ Cheers and applause ]

Right?

You are the best guest ever, by the way.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, here's a straw. Don't wanna ruin your lipstick.

[ Cheers ]

Got a little egg. Okay, okay, now does this

- cleanse your palate? - Yeah, that was great.

- Now, this... - That's delicious beer.

...ladies and gentlemen and transgender members of the military,

this is the Superiority Burger.

- Okay. - Called the Superiority Burger

because it is superior.

Brooks Headley, down in the Lower East Side.

- Okay. - This is a burger.

[ Cheering ]

- I know. Confusing, huh?

- Yeah. [ Laughter ]

That's fantastic.

-This is the thinking man's burger.

- Wait. Does it have mustard on it, too?

- There's mustard. - Pickles?

- There's pickles. - That's fantastic.

- I'm in. - And there is no meat

in this burger. - No meat in that one?

- What did you do to me? - Oh, you know.

[ Laughter ]

- This is messy. - They were both delicious.

I really like the Superiority Burger.

- This is no meat. Isn't that crazy?

-That's fantastic. -Brooks Headley developed this.

Who out there would like to have a hamburger fed to them

by Academy Award-winning actress Cate Blanchett?

Let's break it up, please. They would love some, please.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

-I want the Navy! -All right, you want Navy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're doing it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay. Do you want the meat or do you want the no-meat?

[ Audience shouting "Meat" ]

Is this what it's like to be on a boat as a woman?

[ Cheers and applause ] It is, it is.

-Hold that, guys. -All right, here we go.

You can get your turn.

But don't get it on the whites, here.

You got to be very -- -Oh, [ bleep ]

Oh [bleep] -I'm so sorry. - It's all right. You do this. I'll do this.

[ Laughter ]

Go for it. You wanna be blindfolded, too?

-No, you want Superiority. -Okay.

-Generally, as a woman, we have superiority.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, go for it.

Yes!

What did you think? That's fantastic right there.

And then, you want to try the other one?

-Oh, hang on. -Oh, yeah. Okay.

Okay, right... -We're going to go --

This is the Aussie burger. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

This is the sloppy Joe.

[ Cheers and applause ]

How was that? That's good, right?

-Here, pass it around. -Pass it around.

Fantastic, right? You're gonna wipe it on my suit.

Wiping it on my suit.

You are the best guest ever.

You're the first person to ever bring...

No, my dad was in the Navy, right?

-He was... -Look at them!

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

- You have a beer, too. -I know, I do have a beer.

- Okay. - Wanna have a chugging contest?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

[ Audience chanting "Chug" ]

Are you doing it?

[ Audience chanting "Chug" ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Audience booing ]

You... Oh, for God's sake, shut up.

[ Laughter ]

You are gonna chug like a woman.

[ Audience shouts ]

-What? -With a straw.

We wear lipstick. We're not gonna get it all over

the glass. Okay, hang on.

[ Audience shouting ]

-Don't yell. -Hang on, no, hang on.

No, you got more than me. Okay.

1, 2, 3.

[ Drum roll ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Oh, my God.

- Dude, you're good! - Oh.

Oh, my gosh.

- Are you okay? -Ugh!

[ Coughs ]

-I hate beer. -Oh, my God.

You are a champ.

-No, I'm just competitive. -Oh, my gosh.

-That is fantastic. -That is disgusting.

That really is unbelievable. Man, you're unbelievable.

What kind of beer was that?

Must be some Australian thing, right?

Was it? No.

An Australian-themed beer. [ Indistinct shouting ]

-Yeah. -Victoria? No.

Are there Australian servicemen, women,

and transgender people out there?

[ Laughter ]

Hi, y'all, y'all.

Oh, there's a piece of egg down here, as well.

-I don't... Yeah, I don't want to know about it.

-You are a legend. -Can I lie down?

-Let's talk about "Ocean's 8." It's you, it's this giant cast.

There's a heist.

There's jewelry involved, the Met Gala.

[ Slurring ] I don't understand a word you're saying.

Well... [ Laughter ]

There's jewelry, and there's a movie,

and they steal stuff, and it's really, I love you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Mock crying ] I'm just tired.

I'm having a moment right now! -I know, I love you!