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  • Welcome. Welcome back to the show.

  • We have an all-military audience

  • - the best audience all year. - I know.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • My dad, my dad was in the U.S. Navy.

  • - So, you know... - Is that right? Hey.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Me too.

  • I have a long history with seaman, so... yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah. -Yeah, that's...

  • - Me too. - I don't want to know about...

  • Well, I can clearly see you have something in your hair.

  • [ Audience "Oohs" ]

  • No, I meant my dad was in the Navy.

  • That's very bad

  • That's what I meant to say, he was...

  • It's always great to see you. You look fantastic.

  • -Oh, so do you. -Thank you. I appreciate that.

  • What about me is so fantastic? No, I'm just kidding.

  • -Your hair. -Thank you very much.

  • I want to talk to you about...

  • It's burger season now. And you...

  • -It's always burger season. -It is.

  • No, but you... [ Cheers and applause ]

  • - Isn't it? - I'm ready to put it

  • into full gear. You want me to taste

  • a taste test of which burger, right, is that what's going on?

  • Well, I have... I'm always disappointed.

  • Sorry, guys and girls and ladies and transgender people

  • in the audience tonight.

  • But I... I'm always disappointed by the American burger

  • because you go in and there's no beets,

  • there's no caramelized onion, and there's no egg.

  • -What? -So, I have got

  • an Australian burger organized for you.

  • But I also have a vegetarian burger.

  • Ooh, wow, wow, wow. [ Cheers ]

  • Which, I swear to God, is the best goddamn burger...

  • Superiority Burgeryou will ever have in your life.

  • All right. So how do you want to do this?

  • Well, I want to blindfold you, for many reasons.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ] This is gonna be fun!

  • -Okay. -Okay.

  • - All right, here we go. -That's not a blindfold.

  • That's something you get in first class on American Airlines.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I wouldn't know. I only fly coach.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • -Is that good? -That's -- I don't know.

  • -Does it look not good? -You feeling comfortable?

  • -Feels like 50 shades of... -50 shades of burger.

  • -Yeah, burger. 50 shades of burger.

  • Are you ready for your burger? Bring on the burgers, boys.

  • -All right, here they are. -Okay.

  • All right.

  • We're gonna go with the traditional first

  • because I know you're a traditional kind of guy.

  • Why am I blindfolded? I know what a burger looks like.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like... so weird.

  • -Cause it's sexy. -Yeah, okay. Got it.

  • So, this is the traditional Australian burger.

  • It's got egg. It's got caramelized onions.

  • It's got lettuce. I should work at McDonald's.

  • All right. An Australian burger.

  • -It's only got one bun. -Okay.

  • Now what do I -- Now do I eat it?

  • That gets the egg going. [ Audience groans ]

  • I know. -Wait. What are they making

  • these noises for?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't know what is gonna go down, man.

  • -I trust you. -Oh, my God, it is so big.

  • -I just... -Thank you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Oh, my God, this is gonna be so much fun, Jimmy.

  • -I can't wait for you to eat it! -All right, here we go.

  • Right. [ Cheers ]

  • - Now what do I do? - You open your mouth.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Said the actress to the bishop.

  • -[ Laughs ] -Okay, okay, over here.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Do we have a napkin?

  • That is fantastic.

  • -That is not the vegetarian. - Nope.

  • - Okay. So what did you get?

  • Did you get the caramelized onions?

  • There's a beet in there. It actually tasted real good.

  • So, you forget beets in America, really important.

  • -I never had that. -What else did you get?

  • -I got egg in there. Caramelized onions, right?

  • Did you get, you know, GM-beef or did you get... oh, hang on.

  • What does GM beef mean?

  • Oh [bleep] I'm so sorry.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What is going on?

  • You are gonna go home to your wife and she is going say,

  • "What is that on your pants?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That's happened before. -I am so sorry.

  • I am so sorry.

  • Okay, so... -Did something just drip on me?

  • You need to cleanse it with a beer.

  • -Okay. -Okay?

  • Sure. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Right?

  • You are the best guest ever, by the way.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Okay, here's a straw. Don't wanna ruin your lipstick.

  • [ Cheers ]

  • Got a little egg. Okay, okay, now does this

  • - cleanse your palate? - Yeah, that was great.

  • - Now, this... - That's delicious beer.

  • ...ladies and gentlemen and transgender members of the military,

  • this is the Superiority Burger.

  • - Okay. - Called the Superiority Burger

  • because it is superior.

  • Brooks Headley, down in the Lower East Side.

  • - Okay. - This is a burger.

  • [ Cheering ]

  • - I know. Confusing, huh?

  • - Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • That's fantastic.

  • -This is the thinking man's burger.

  • - Wait. Does it have mustard on it, too?

  • - There's mustard. - Pickles?

  • - There's pickles. - That's fantastic.

  • - I'm in. - And there is no meat

  • in this burger. - No meat in that one?

  • - What did you do to me? - Oh, you know.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • - This is messy. - They were both delicious.

  • I really like the Superiority Burger.

  • - This is no meat. Isn't that crazy?

  • -That's fantastic. -Brooks Headley developed this.

  • Who out there would like to have a hamburger fed to them

  • by Academy Award-winning actress Cate Blanchett?

  • Let's break it up, please. They would love some, please.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -I want the Navy! -All right, you want Navy.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You're doing it.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Okay. Do you want the meat or do you want the no-meat?

  • [ Audience shouting "Meat" ]

  • Is this what it's like to be on a boat as a woman?

  • [ Cheers and applause ] It is, it is.

  • -Hold that, guys. -All right, here we go.

  • You can get your turn.

  • But don't get it on the whites, here.

  • You got to be very -- -Oh, [ bleep ]

  • Oh [bleep] -I'm so sorry. - It's all right. You do this. I'll do this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Go for it. You wanna be blindfolded, too?

  • -No, you want Superiority. -Okay.

  • -Generally, as a woman, we have superiority.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Okay, go for it.

  • Yes!

  • What did you think? That's fantastic right there.

  • And then, you want to try the other one?

  • -Oh, hang on. -Oh, yeah. Okay.

  • Okay, right... -We're going to go --

  • This is the Aussie burger. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

  • This is the sloppy Joe.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • How was that? That's good, right?

  • -Here, pass it around. -Pass it around.

  • Fantastic, right? You're gonna wipe it on my suit.

  • Wiping it on my suit.

  • You are the best guest ever.

  • You're the first person to ever bring...

  • No, my dad was in the Navy, right?

  • -He was... -Look at them!