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  • [Disclaimer read by Semi-Perfect Cell]

  • [WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]

  • GOHAN: Aaah!

  • Aaaaahh!!

  • Aaaaaaahhh!!!

  • Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

  • GOKU: Good try, Gohan!

  • But you can't just power up and become a Super Saiyan.

  • It comes from pure, raw, emotion.

  • You know where *I* was when I became a Super Saiyan?

  • GOHAN: Yes, you--

  • GOKU: I was on Namek. I thought I'd finally defeated Freezer with the Spirit Bomb.

  • But as it turns out... he was *still alive*!

  • GOHAN: Dad, I was ther--

  • GOKU: He killed Vegeta, [This already happened]

  • and he killed Krillin,

  • GOHAN: I saw everythi--

  • GOKU: Piccolo...

  • tripped or... something...

  • It was pretty bad for everyone.

  • Then, he threatened to do the same to MY SON!

  • Oh hey, you were there!

  • Why didn't you go Super Saiyan? [JOE BIDEN: 'Cause it was a "Big Fucking Deal" at the time.]

  • GOHAN: (Sigh)

  • [♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]

  • CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA

  • Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that's Ultra-Z)

  • Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

  • Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

  • SEMI-PERFECT CELL: Stop fisting me!

  • VEGETA: Okay.

  • SeP CELL: HURRHG! Not all at once!

  • Just... can I...

  • have a minute...?

  • VEGETA: Sure you can.

  • SeP CELL: Well, thank you. That's apprecia--

  • [

  • VEGETA: C-C-C-COMBO!

  • TRUNKS: (Sigh)

  • "ANDROID" 18: Wait, so I beat Vegeta...

  • ANDROID 16 [off-screen]: Data not found.

  • 18: But now Vegeta is wrecking Cell...

  • 16 [o-s]: Data not found.

  • 18: Okay, do you have anything substantial to add to this?

  • 16: ...Do you?

  • 18: ...Data not found. [Translation: Touché.]

  • SeP CELL: Hurrrargh!

  • VEGETA: Ya know, maybe if you'd actually TRAINED instead of gorging yourself on a worthless species,

  • your punches might actually hit a little closer to home.

  • SeP CELL: (Cries of pain)

  • SeP CELL: (Cries of pain)

  • CELL'S ASS [as Imp. Cell]: Hahahaha, ah, this is an unfortunate turn of events. [Why would that be a design choice?]

  • VEGETA [genuinely disturbed]: Did you just... talk out your ass?

  • SeP CELL: Well... to be fair, Vegeta,

  • you are part of my DNA.

  • VEGETA: Oo, that is the closest thing you've done to damage since I've gotten here.

  • SeP CELL: Allow me to fix that...

  • KRILLIN: Is that Cell or Vegeta?

  • Dun' matter; steering clear o' that.

  • Except, if I were a bettin' boy, that's...

  • ...probably where the Androids are.

  • Stealth Mode, don't fail me now.

  • SeP CELL: There we are.

  • Now,

  • do you understand, Vegeta?

  • VEGETA: What I understand is I'm about to pound you so hard, the boy's mother is going to be jealous. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  • TRUNKS: Oh, can we not?!

  • VEGETA: But, if it makes you feel any better, I'll give you one free shot.

  • But I'm warning you,

  • if you waste i--

  • SeP CELL: UURGH!

  • VEGETA: (Chuckling)

  • *you're gonna regret it*...

  • SeP CELL: ...How?

  • Hooww?!

  • How did you get this strong?!

  • VEGETA: I trained *all* day yesterday.

  • SeP CELL: Oh, you think you're being *cute*!

  • VEGETA: Bitch, I'm adorable.

  • SeP CELL: Fine!

  • Then how about THIS?!

  • GALICK GUN...

  • VEGETA: Hohoho, and that's just precious...

  • SeP CELL: FIRRRRE!!!

  • TENSHINHAN: So we're *actually* rooting for Vegeta?

  • PICCOLO: Let's be honest - we're rooting *against* Cell.

  • TENSHINHAN: What do we do if he wins?

  • PICCOLO: Which one?

  • TENSHINHAN: Which one is worse? [That's a little harsh...]

  • BABY TRUNKS: (Making baby noises) BULMA: Ya know, Vegeta might be...

  • ...*is* a total ass,

  • but he's not *that* bad. [Come again?]

  • TENSHINHAN: Says the woman he left a single mother. [Indeed.]

  • BULMA: Please, I'm rich; it's hardly the same.

  • PICCOLO: Really, him leaving was probably for the best.

  • BABY TRUNKS: Wohhh... BULMA: Wow! Really?!

  • PICCOLO: What? Would you really trust Vegeta with a baby?

  • BULMA: Well, not *my* baby...

  • TENSHINHAN: And there you go.

  • SeP CELL: '"Look at me, I'm Vegeta! I'm the Prince of all Saiyans!"

  • '"And I both wear, and *am*, a unitar--"'

  • VEGETA: You call THAT a Galick Gun?

  • Dear God, get it together.

  • SeP CELL: I WILL END YOU!

  • VEGETA: You'll die trying.

  • SeP CELL: (Screaming in D#)

  • (Screaming in G)

  • (Screaming in C)

  • KRILLIN: 'Eesh... somehow I actually feel kinda bad for *Cell*...'

  • 'Oh well, should probably start lookin' for the Androids.'

  • 'Aaand found 'em.'

  • 'Man, I am REALLY good at this...'

  • 'Okay, Krillin...'

  • 'Mission...'

  • 'Mission... (Gulp)...'

  • 'Mission... (Gulp)... *Start*.'

  • VEGETA: I know I kicked him into the water somewhere...

  • Damn it, he's pulling a bald one on me and hiding his energy...

  • Urgh, if I were a disgusting bug-man, where would I--

  • SeP CELL: SURPRISE!

  • Looky what I caught!

  • A walking, talking Napoleon complex. [He's not wrong. :P]

  • Huurgh...!

  • VEGETA: And looky what I caught!

  • SeP CELL: Oh no, *not again*!

  • VEGETA: So, what do you do with this... *thing*?

  • SeP CELL: I screw people!

  • VEGETA: Were you trying to screw me?

  • SeP CELL: N-n... no!

  • ...Yes.

  • (Groans in pain)

  • Raarhhg--!

  • VEGETA: You feel that?

  • That's what honesty feels like.

  • SeP CELL: This... this is all wrong...

  • You can't be this strong!

  • Nothing about this makes sense!

  • VEGETA: Well if THAT'S wracking your brain, try drinking this in:

  • It may pain me to say it, but the boy over there is actually almost as strong as I am.

  • Then again, unlike you,

  • he's HALF me.

  • SeP CELL: What?!

  • VEGETA: 'Course the other half is his mother...

  • I mean, look at that hair!

  • TRUNKS: I-- VEGETA: YOU LOOK LIKE A FRUIT!

  • VEGETA: YOU LOOK LIKE A FRUIT!

  • TRUNKS: Y-you--

  • VEGETA: And not like a homosexual, I mean like a literal, walking fruit!

  • ...EGGPLANT!

  • SeP CELL: DAMN IIIIIIIT!

  • I want to be perfect!

  • I wanna!

  • I wanna, I wanna, I wanna--

  • [muffled] I wanna-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa...

  • VEGETA: Excellent, I've broken both your body *and* your spirit.

  • Time to die.

  • SeP CELL: If only you had showed up just a minute later...

  • I would've had Eighteen...

  • Then NOBODY could've stopped me!

  • VEGETA: ...Oh really?

  • TRUNKS: Nooo...

  • SeP CELL: Vegeta...

  • I would've destroyed you without a second thought...

  • TRUNKS: ...Nooo!

  • [I think we all know what his answer is...]

  • VEGETA: ...Go on.

  • TRUNKS: NooooOOOO--!

  • [DBZ intermission (post-commercial)]

  • GOKU: Aaah...

  • GOHAN: Aaah...

  • You know, Dad,

  • it's honestly been kinda nice training with you.

  • GOKU: Right? I like training too.

  • GOHAN: Hm...

  • GOKU: But even though we're taking a nice, soothing bath,

  • we can't hold back.

  • We have to stay training at all times.

  • Soooo...

  • Splash attack!