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  • (marker squealing on white board)

  • (jazzy music)

  • One time, when I was in College,

  • I went to knock on the bathroom, it was last call,

  • everyone was gone, but I knew

  • that there were two people inside who left their tab.

  • And I had of an idea where they were.

  • (laughs)

  • I knocked on the door, and as I open the door,

  • the guy turns around and then,

  • proceeds to throw up all over the girl

  • that he's having sex with.

  • That happened.

  • (swoosh)

  • I was actually closing the bar

  • at one of the places I worked in Hell's Kitchen.

  • Usually typical, when you're closing the bar,

  • wrapping everything down, and then all of a sudden,

  • three guys walk in, and one of the guys goes,

  • "Hey, are you open?"

  • My manager and I were both like,

  • "Oh, actually we're really sorry but we are closed."

  • The registers are shut down, like, everything.

  • Our boss has started to mop the floor, like, we were done.

  • One of the guys turns around to leave and he goes,

  • "You don't know what you just did."

  • And we're like, wait, what?

  • Like what, like what just happened?

  • He was like, "That was Bruce Willis you just closed on."

  • And I was like,

  • (makes surprise sound).

  • - Was that really Bruce Willis?

  • - It was really Bruce Willis.

  • - Oh.

  • - And so we actually felt really bad.

  • The owner of the bar ended up

  • sending him a bottle of tequila, a bottle of mezcal

  • just to say sorry.

  • I feel terrible.

  • - That would have been a great tip.

  • - Right?

  • So yeah, I closed the door on Bruce Willis.

  • (swoosh)

  • - So the other day, I actually had

  • a group of four people come in.

  • Right off the bat, the one guy wanted to know

  • what our most expensive champagne was,

  • which is not a question that you get very often.

  • I was like, well, Dom Perignon like, $455 a bottle.

  • And he just went, "Great, we'll take two."

  • That's such a strange way to just start balling out on your evening.

  • The people he was with were like, "No, no, don't do it."

  • And he was like, "No, I'm Jay-Z tonight, I'm balling out."

  • So I grabbed my manager 'cause I was like,

  • I think this is a little suspicious.

  • And he was like, oh no, if he ordered it, like,

  • let's do it, let's go.

  • By the end of the couple hours that they were there,

  • the guy who had ordered the champagne was like,

  • laid back in his chair, just drinking

  • straight out of the bottle.

  • Absolutely hammered.

  • You know that look on someone's face, when like,

  • they can puke at any second.

  • That's the world he's living in.

  • He tried to walk out without paying.

  • I grabbed my bouncer so fast.

  • And he was just like, "Oh wait, come on, (muffled sounds)."

  • And I was like, Dude, I have your credit card,

  • I'm gonna swipe it for this amount

  • and I'm gonna give myself 20% gratuity.

  • We caught him real fast, and made him pay,

  • and I'm sure, even though that was several days ago,

  • he's still hungover.

  • (swoosh)

  • - I had this couple come in.

  • They were so sweet, I guess it was a regular date,

  • she looked really nice.

  • The guy waited till she got, kinda got buzzed,

  • where she was like, semi-walking straight in her heels.

  • - Uh-oh.

  • - She went to the bathroom, he's like,

  • Hide this ring in a red velvet cupcake

  • that we served at that place.

  • So, we, all the bartenders are like,

  • Oh my God, this guy's gonna propose,

  • we're about to be all snapped,

  • we're about to be on camera, blah blah blah.

  • - Yeah.

  • - We hide it in, we put the candle in.

  • The guy gets down on one knee, he's all excited,

  • you could tell he was like, nervous,

  • 'cause all cameras in the whole restaurant are on him.

  • And the lady's like, "Hum, can we talk about this first?"

  • (surprise breathing)

  • I was like, uh-oh, because we can't move.

  • - Oh my God.

  • - Oh no, what do we do?

  • 'Cause we still had to stay smiling.

  • (laughs)

  • It was so awkward.

  • - I'd be devastated.

  • - He looked like he was gonna cry.

  • - Oh, poor baby.

  • (laughs)

  • - I guess the truth comes out when you're drunk, right?

  • - Girl, woo.

  • - I was like, how can I handle that situation without laughing?

  • - Oh my God. (laughs)

  • - Without being like, I wanted to be part of it

  • until it went into shambles.

  • (jazzy music)

  • (wind blowing)

  • (metal squeaking)

(marker squealing on white board)

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