You were observed to colouring a picture of a dinosaur.

Is that true?

*Loud*: YEAH,

Can we go to wecess?

Even though your mom had repeatedly asked to clean up your toys,

you disobeyed her and coloured ANYWAY?

Uhh....

I plead the fifth.

Your Honour, I have no further questions.

James, I hereby sentence you to 15 minutes in the time-out corner.

*SMACC*

I'M NOT GOING BACK TO TIME-OUT!

I'm no scientist, but I think moms play a very important role in society.

Without moms, who would drive us to FOOTBALL* practice?

Who else would tell us that it's not okay to eat cupcakes for breakfast?

And who else would point at construction workers and say:

Mom: That's why you need to get a college education James.

O O F

Oh and I guess they also give birth to you and take care of you, but like...

PHHFFT.

Anyone could do that.

Now before I talk about how I was raised,

I just wanna give out this disclaimer,

That my mom is a great mom.

She loves me.

At least she used to.

If you asked me when I was 15 if my mom was a great mom,

15 year old me would've said:

NO.

Okay, but like...when I was a little, I'd be talking with my friends,

and we would be talking about our parents and they would say stuff like:

Brownie: Yeah, my mom lets me stay up till midnight, and let's me play really graphic and vulgar video games.

Blackie: Yeah, my mom doesn't care if I wear clothes with skulls on them.

And she let's me eat an entire tub of ice-cream for dinner.

Gingy: My mom let's me play with

KNIVES!

And I used to think that their moms were so much cooler, for letting my friends have that much fun.

But NOW,

as an adult,

I realized the sad truth.

But these kids' moms weren't cooler...

They just cared about them less.

I'm not saying every mom out there is perfect.

But a mom who takes the time to make a responsible member of society,

is pretty high up on the good mom list.

Anyways,

I love ya mom!

And now I'll immortalise and monetise some of that love.

When I was younger and still in need of adult supervision,

My mom would take me and my twin sister out to run errands with her.

And, as you would expect,

we were rowdy and wanted to do our own thing.

But my mom was PREPARED for this.

She would bring two plastic baggies filled with 10 M&Ms,

and every time my sister or I misbehaved,

She would eat an M&M right in front of us.

And she made SURE, we saw her eat our M&Ms.

She didn't give us a warning either!

If we did anything remotely bad, she would say:

Mom: Hey, HEY!

*snap snap*

Look at me!

*nom*

*GASP!*

And I think that parenting technique is the psychological reason that M&Ms are my favourite candy bar.

*distressed noises*

*still distressed*: I'm a gooD Boy!

I'M a GoOd BoOoOyY

Something me and my sister really like doing,

was hiding in those circular racks of clothes that they have in department stores,

Being in the middle of one of those racks is such a surreal experience.

I totally recommend it.

But, my mom didn't like when we had fun, so she had to reach out and try and grab us.

Do you need any help?

Oh, no! I'm just trying to get something in the back.

There's a really nice belt that would be great for

spanking my MIS-BEHAVING CHILDREN!

I was spanked as a kid.

Nothing,

TOO bad.

I probably deserved it anyway.

I don't remember any specific actions I did that earned a spanking.

But I do remember

outrunning my mom a lot.

Another thing my mom did when I was very little,

was sometimes when she was washing her hands,

She would turn to me and go

Atchoo!

And flick water at my face.

It really bothered me, but I never spoke out about it.

And one day, I just...couldn't handle it any more and I started crying.

Mom: Why are you crying?

But I was too sad to articulate how it was really feeling.

*sobbing*

Yo--*sobbing*

*still sobbing* were flicking water at me and

ATCHOO!

*SOBBING INTENSIFIES*

If you ask about her about this today, she'll say that she doesn't remember doing that sneeze gag ever.

But I remember it.

Vividly.

So to get back at her, I put a rubber band around the dish sprayer...

So when you turn on the sink it would spray water at you.

Come to think of it, I do remember one reason I was spanked.

Every time one of my siblings insulted another sibling, or told them to shut up,

We would have to pay them 50 cents.

This resulted in a really weird dynamic when it came to insults.

We would get excited when someone called us a name.

*distant*: MOOOM!

LUKE CALLED ME A BUTT-HOLE!

Mom: That's fifty cents!

*distant*: WOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'M RICH!

But sometimes, us kids would just be messing around with each other or we didn't really mean the insults.

So we would feel bad taking someone else's fifty cents.

Like someone would say:

Faith: Hey James, what's 6+6?

and I would say:

James: Uh nine, idiot.

and my mom would hear me and say:

Mom: James, that's fifty cents!

and my sister would feel bad so she would insult me back and say:

Faith: JAMES!

Y-y-you're an...

Unpleasant person.

Aww :) .

Swear words cost ya five dollars.

That's why I don't swear in videos.

But now I can afford it.

Soooo...

F— you mom!

You piece of ————————————————————

___________________

My mom never washed out our mouths with soap, she wasn't /that/ kind of person.

But she did threaten to if we swore.

And one time after I said a pretty naughty word,

P E N I S

She said:

Mom: If you don't behave, I'm going to get the soap!

And I said:

James: I don't care, soap tastes good!

Mom: Alright you big dingus, shove this in your mouth. You won't do it. No balls.

So I bit into it, and...

immediately regretted it.

Now people are eating soap for views.

So I guess we never grow up.

Did any one else's parent's put a password on the family computer?

Because my parents did, and I didn't know we were the only family that did that.

We had a rule in the house that we were only allowed to be on the family computer for however long we read a book for.

But luckily, I would just read a book for 15 minutes,

get my mom to type in the password,

and then she would just forget that I was on the computer,

and let me stay on for hours.

And I played a lot of Neopets and Runescape.

Also I wasn't allowed to have a TV or computer in my room,

Because than I would have easy access

toooo...

Inappropiate.

Animes...

When I was little, cellphones were a thing.

But my mom didn't let me have one,

I had to talk to all my friends over a landline.

I hope I don't have to explain what that is,

cuz that would make me feel very old,

and I'm supposed to be in the

Prime of my life.

But basically it meant, if I was upstairs in my room talking to a friend,

My mom could grab a phone downstairs in the kitchen,

And just join in our conversations completely uninvited.

Didn't matter who I was talking to,

I'd be having a converation like this.

*sigh*

I think the reason I internalise and hide away all my problems,