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  • I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GREAT WEEKEND.

  • LOTS TO TALK ABOUT IN THE NEWS SO LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.

  • THERE WAS SOME BIG SUPREME COURT NEWS TODAY.

  • THE HIGHEST COURT IN THE LAND HAS STRUCK DOWN A FEDERAL LAW

  • THAT BANNED SPORTS GAMBLING.

  • SO NOW IT'S GOING TO BE LEGAL TO BET ON SPORTS.

  • THEN EVERY SPORTS FAN IN AMERICA WAS LIKE, "OH, GOOD!

  • WE CAN START BETTING NOW."

  • WHEW.

  • THIS IS ALL PART OF TRUMP'S NEW ECONOMIC INITIATIVE, "A FAILED

  • CASINO FOR EVERY STATE."

  • THE SUPREME COURT RULING CAME DOWN SEVEN-TO-TWO, WHICH IS

  • WEIRD BECAUSE MY BOOKIE HAD IT AT EIGHT-TO-ONE.

  • BEFORE THE RULING, IT WAS ONLY LEGAL TO GAMBLE IN THE STATE OF

  • NEVADA.

  • AS A RESULT, LAS VEGAS IS CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO, "WHAT

  • HAPPENS IN VEGAS, APPARENTLY HAPPENS IN OTHER PLACES NOW,

  • TOO."

  • MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS STILL TRYING TO WORK OUT A TRADE

  • DEAL WITH CHINA.

  • YESTERDAY ON TWITTER, TRUMP TRIED TO REASSURE AMERICANS THAT

  • THE UNITED STATES WOULD WORK OUT A DEAL, WRITING, "BE COOL, IT

  • WILL ALL WORK OUT!" BE COOL?

  • WHAT ARE HIS NEXT WORDS OF WISDOM?

  • CHILLAX?

  • IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT WITH CHINA, NO BIGGIE, EITHER WAY

  • IT'LL BE SICK.

  • THAT'S NOT HOW THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SHOULD TALK.

  • "BE COOL" IS WHAT A GUY SAYS TO HIS FRIEND WHO'S NERVOUS ABOUT

  • BUYING WEED OFF A DEALER THEY'VE NEVER MET.

  • "YOU SURE THIS GUY IS OKAY?" "BE COOL, HE'S A FRIEND OF MY

  • COUSIN'S.

  • IT WILL ALL WORK OUT."

  • IN OTHER TRUMP NEWS, ACCORDING TO A NEW ARTICLE, MOST

  • WEEKNIGHTS DONALD TRUMP AND FOX NEWS HOST SEAN HANNITY HAVE A

  • BEDTIME PHONE CALL WITH EACH OTHER.

  • JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT TRUMP COULDN'T BE MORE IN LOVE WITH

  • FOX NEWS.

  • YOU JUST KNOW THEY END EVERY PHONE CALL LIKE, "YOU HANG UP

  • FIRST, SEAN."

  • "NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST."

  • "WELL, YOU DIDN'T HANG UP EITHER!"

  • REPORTS SAY THAT WHENEVER HE IS REALLY UPSET, HANNITY IS ALWAYS

  • THERE WITH THOSE REASSURING WORDS TRUMP WANTS TO HEAR: "BE

  • COOL, IT WILL ALL WORK OUT."

  • MOVING ON, PAPA JOHN'S HAS STARTED SELLING EXTRA-LARGE JUGS

  • OF ITS SIGNATURE GARLIC SAUCE.

  • EACH JUG OF GARLIC SAUCE IS -- SORRY.

  • WHAT WAS THAT RESPONSE?

  • THAT RESPONSE IS LIKE I JUST TOLD EVERYONE WE WERE GOING TO

  • GO TO THE MOON TONIGHT!

  • WOW!

  • EACH JUG OF GARLIC SAUCE IS EIGHT POUNDS AND COSTS $20.

  • YOU KNOW YOU'RE DEPRESSED WHEN YOU CONSUME SOMETHING "BY THE

  • EIGHT-POUND JUG."

  • BUT PAPA JOHN'S SAYS IT'S A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF GARLIC SAUCE.

  • BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EXPECTED TO SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO NEED A

  • SECOND JUG.

  • STARBUCKS HAS ANNOUNCED THAT IT'S BATHROOMS

  • WILL NOW BE OPEN TO ANYONE WHO WALKS IN, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER

  • THEY BUY ANYTHING.

  • HOLD ON, SO THEY'RE SAYING, THIS WHOLE TIME STARBUCKS HASN'T BEEN

  • A PUBLIC BATHROOM?

  • I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

  • DID YOU KNOW?

  • ALTHOUGH THIS IS A REAL BREAKTHROUGH FOR ALL OF US.

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

  • THIS MEANS NO MORE RUNNING UP TO THE COUNTER IN A

  • COLD SWEAT LIKE, "JUST GIVE ME THE CHEAPEST THING YOU'VE GOT!"

  • "WHATEVER IT IS!" IN A FORMAL STATEMENT, STARBUCKS

  • SAYS THEIR BATHROOMS ARE NOW OPEN TO ALL PEOPLE WHO WANT TO

  • USE THEM.

  • WITH ONE SMALL EXCEPTION-- ANYONE WHO JUST POLISHED OFF AN

  • ENTIRE JUG OF PAPA JOHN'S GARLIC SAUCE.

  • THAT'S A NO-NO.

I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GREAT WEEKEND.

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