from some great news right now.

First, Kendrick Lamar just won a Pulitzer Prize for music.

-(cheering, applause) -Yeah.

The first time, the first time this award has gone to someone

who was not in classical music or jazz.

Right? Other great news:

Beyoncé tore the roof off Coachella.

-(cheering) -Yeah. And... and I know what you're saying:

"But it's an outdoor festival." Yeah, that's how badass she is.

She brought in a roof just so she could tear it off.

That's what she did. That's how big it was.

And, guys, this was the blackest performance

at the whitest festival.

And white people love that stuff,

because it makes it feel like they're down, you know?

Which is weird, because it never goes the other way around.

Like, you could never have, like, the Oak Ridge Boys show up

at the club, and then... expect brothers walking out,

going like, "Yo, these niggas can strum, B.

Yo, they can... they can strum."

-(applause) -You never feel that.

So... so all in all, it feels like a great couple of days

for black America.

But of course, unfortunately, if you're a black person

who is not on stage, not everything is going your way.

There is a firestorm tonight

over what happened three days ago

at a Starbucks in Philadelphia

where the police were called in and two black men were arrested.

TV REPORTER: This video, captured by

a witness's cell phone, shows police talking,

and later handcuffing the men

while they were waiting for a friend.

The men wanted to use the restroom but the manager said

that per store policy, they couldn't,

since they didn't buy anything.

When they wouldn't leave, she called police.

How crazy is this?

Two men arrested for waiting

to meet someone at Starbucks.

You see, this, this here,

this is why black people should always show up late.

Yeah. If you're early, it's loitering.

For our safety, black people,

we show up late everywhere we go.

In fact, maybe-- this got me thinking--

maybe it's not true that black people are never on time.

It's just that we only know about the ones who show up late,

because all the early ones got taken away.

Maybe that's what it is.

And I know, I know there are some people saying,

"Well, why were these guys

in Starbucks doing nothing? Huh? Why?"

Well, because that's what Starbucks is for.

Everyone is doing nothing.

Everyone.

Starbucks...

Starbucks is basically a bus station

with espresso machines; that's all it is.

In fact, the only mistake these black guys made

was not using the tactics of the white man.

That's all they did. Yeah.

When the manager accused them of doing nothing,

they should have replied, "Uh, actually,

I'm writing a screenplay, that's what I'm doing."

But, look, if I can get serious

for just a minute here, I will say this:

Do you have any idea

what it does to a person's dignity

to be arrested by bike cops?

(laughter)

Huh?

Think about this. Think about this.

Someone calls the cops on you,

and instead of driving up with sirens wailing all bad-ass,

they're like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

(laughter and applause)

And how do they even get you back to the station, huh?

(laughter)

Do they throw you on the back of a bicycle built for two?

(laughter and applause)

And now, now you're in custody but you have to help them pedal?

You're just there at the back, like, "Man.

"This is some bullshit, man.

"This is some bullshit.

We look adorable, though, we look adorable."

(applause)

But for real, though, for real, though,

America clearly has a problem with policing and black people.

On the one hand, you have people calling the police

because they see black people as inherently threatening,

and then you have police who only know how to respond

to a call with an arrest or violence.

So the question is, what do we do?

Do we fix society or do we try and fix the police?

Or maybe, maybe-- got us thinking:

maybe all we need to do is change the people

who connect civilians to the police.

Well, for years 9-1-1's been handling calls that,

-turns out, aren't actual emergencies. -(phone ringing)

So we came up with with a program

to help white people decide if their emergency

was an actual emergency.

We hired a black operator.

9-1-1, what's your emergency?

MALE CALLER: I'm on the train

and these black people are talking,

and it's loud and I think there could be a fight.

Okay, sir. So let me get this straight.

You called 9-1-1 because black people were talking loud?

Uh, yeah, I-I guess.

Okay, good. Here's what I need you to do.

Stand up, walk to the window,

and throw your bitch-ass off that train.

FEMALE CALLER 2: No, they're just walking down the sidewalk

but if feels threatening.

Girl, bye.

Is she a bit unorthodox?

Yes, but it's been efficient,

and she's almost entirely professional, almost.

So you're saying he's a six-four,

African American male, broad shoulders,

driving a Benz?

I need you to look closely at him.

Is he wearing a wedding ring?

FEMALE CALLER 3: Uh, no.

Stay right there. I'm on my way.

Hold on, girl.

Hello?

That's how it should be.