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  • - LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, WE GOT YOU GOOD.

  • - YOU GOT ME GOOD.

  • - WE GOT YOU REAL GOOD. - YOU SURE DID.

  • - WE MAY GET YOU AGAIN.

  • - OH.

  • - [laughs]

  • - DON'T YOU DO IT.

  • - LET'S SHOW PEOPLE WHAT--

  • WE WERE--WHAT HAPPENED IS,

  • WE WERE SHOWING THESE VINES

  • THAT ARE REALLY FUNNY THAT HE DOES AND POSTS,

  • AND WE THOUGHT--

  • HE THOUGHT HE WAS POSTING A VINE.

  • - YES, I SURE DID. - AND THIS IS WHAT WE DID.

  • - YOU GOT TO SAY.

  • - YOU JUST START TALKING AS SOPHIA.

  • YOU JUST, "WATCH MODERN FAMILY" OR WHATEVER YOU WANT.

  • OKAY? READY?

  • - OKAY, GO.

  • - JUST WATCH "MODERN FAMILY" ON--

  • - [roars]

  • - OH, MY GOD!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - STOP LOOKING.

  • STOP IT.

  • IT'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE, LIKE, AT THAT MOMENT,

  • FOR AUDIENCE MEMBERS AT HOME WATCHING,

  • LIKE, THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED

  • THAT YOU DON'T SET THAT UP WITH YOUR GUESTS.

  • LIKE, I WAS LEGITIMATELY SCARED THAT DAY.

  • - YES, OF COURSE.

  • - I WAS TO MY PUBLICIST, LIKE,

  • "YOU LET THAT HAPPEN."

  • SHE'S LIKE, "I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS HAPPENING."

  • - NO. - HILARIOUS.

  • YOU GOT ME GOOD, ELLEN.

  • - YEAH. - YOU GOT--

  • STOP DOING THAT.

  • OH, MY GOSH!

  • - YEAH, 'CAUSE IT'S FUN.

  • - BUT SEE, THE GOOD THING IS,

  • I SHOULDN'T LOOK BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE TOO GOOD

  • AT SCARING PEOPLE,

  • AND YOU'D NEVER BE SO ELEMENTARY JUST--

  • STOP LOOKING BACK THERE.

  • MAKE HER STOP.

  • I SCARED YOUR PRODUCER, ANDY, WHO LOVES TO BE SCARED.

  • I SCARED HIM AT THE KINGS GAME.

  • - I HEARD.

  • - HE WAS WALKING UP THE AISLE WITH HIS KIDS,

  • AND ALL I DID WAS GO, "ANDY,"

  • AND HE GOES, "OH, OH, MY GOD!"

  • LIKE, ANDY, IT'S A FULL ARENA OF PEOPLE.

  • COME ON.

  • - IT'S SO EASY TO SCARE HIM. - IT IS.

  • - YEAH, THAT'S AMAZING.

  • AND YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • YOU WENT TO THE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER.

  • HOW WAS THAT?

  • - OH, MY GOSH, I LOVE GOING TO THAT EVENT, ELLEN.

  • IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

  • YOU HAVE SO MANY INTERESTING CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE.

  • BUT THE FIRST YEAR I WENT WILL NEVER, EVER BE TOPPED

  • BECAUSE I WAS THERE-- IT'S A SATURDAY NIGHT,

  • AND I HAD A WHITE HOUSE TOUR SCHEDULED THE NEXT DAY

  • WITH MY FRIEND.

  • AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DINNER,

  • I SAID, "HEY, MR. DALY,"

  • WHO WAS THE CHIEF OF STAFF OF THE WHITE HOUSE AT THE TIME,

  • "I'M GONNA BE IN YOUR OFFICE TOMORROW."

  • AND HE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BE IN MY OFFICE FOR?"

  • I SAID, "WELL, I HAVE A TOUR OF THE WHITE HOUSE."

  • HE'S LIKE, "OH, COOL."

  • AN HOUR LATER, MY TOUR WAS CANCELED.

  • I'M LIKE, WHAT IN THE WORLD?

  • SO I TOLD MY FRIEND, "OUR TOUR JUST GOT CANCELLED."

  • SO HIS WIFE WAS LIKE, "BILL,

  • "GET HIS TOUR RESCHEDULED.

  • BILL, COME ON, DO SOMETHING."

  • HE'S LIKE, "HERE'S MY CARD.

  • NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN TOWN, I'LL GIVE YOU A TOUR."

  • WELL, THAT'S GREAT, BUT I WANT MY TOUR TOMORROW

  • 'CAUSE I'M HERE RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • SO WE GO OUT, WE FILL THE DAY,

  • WE GO BACK TO THE HOTEL,

  • CNN BREAKING NEWS, OSAMA BIN LADEN KILLED.

  • I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOSH,

  • THAT'S WHY OUR WHITE HOUSE TOUR WAS CANCELED.

  • FOR SURE, 100%, RIGHT?

  • SEVEN MONTHS LATER, HE'S DOING AN INTERVIEW

  • TALKING ABOUT THE DECONSTRUCTION OF THE 48 HOURS.

  • HE SAYS, "YEAH, I'M SITTING

  • "AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER,

  • "AND SOME ACTOR FROM 'FAMILY GUY'

  • "TELLS ME HE'S COMING TO THE WHITE HOUSE,

  • "AND I GET OUT MY BLACKBERRY AND I GO,

  • 'OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.'"

  • CANCELS MY TOUR RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME.

  • HOW COOL IS THAT?

  • - YEAH.

  • - THAT'S MY BRUSH WITH HISTORY.

  • - FROM "FAMILY GUY."

  • - YEAH, FROM "FAMILY GUY."

  • I JUST LET THAT SLIDE.

  • - OH, GOD.

  • THAT'S AMAZING.

  • - YEAH.

  • - AND THEN YOU ALSO JUST WERE IN AUSTRALIA AGAIN.

  • YOU'RE THERE MORE THAN HERE.

  • - I KNOW. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

  • THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME I'VE BEEN TO AUSTRALIA.

  • IT'S GREAT.

  • - YEAH, AND THAT YOU WENT AND SWAM WITH SOME FISHES.

  • - YEAH, WE WENT UP TO THE GREAT BARRIER REEF

  • AND A BEAUTIFUL RESORT THERE.

  • - IS THIS THE CLIP THAT YOU BROUGHT,

  • WHERE YOU'RE FEEDING A FISH?

  • - OH, MY-- YEAH, I FED A FISH.

  • - OKAY.

  • - OH, THAT WAS SO COOL.

  • - WHAT WAS IT?

  • - A BARRAMUNDI.

  • BARRAMONDAY. BARRAMONDAY?

  • BARRAMUNDI, YES.

  • - I DON'T KNOW, BUT ARE THEY BIG?

  • - OH, YEAH, AND THEY DON'T HAVE TEETH,

  • SO THE JUST SUCK EVERYTHING IN.

  • LIKE, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A BABY,

  • AND IT WOULD HAVE SUCKED THE BABY IN.

  • - YEAH.

  • - LIKE, ANYTHING IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN IN.

  • - WOW.

  • - BUT TOTALLY MANLY REACTION THERE, I THINK.

  • - YEAH. [laughter]

  • I THINK ANYBODY WOULD HAVE DONE THAT.

  • - YEAH.

  • - AND THEN I SAW A PICTURE OF YOUR DOG.

  • NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF I SEE SOMEONE ELSE

  • WALKING YOUR DOG,

  • 'CAUSE I SAW A PICTURE OF IT TODAY,

  • AND I THINK--DOES ANYONE WALK YOUR DOG IN THAT AREA?

  • - YEAH, SOMETIMES. COLEMAN.

  • - IT'S THE CUTEST DOG. - OH, YEAH, THERE HE IS.

  • - BUT HE'S HAVING ISSUES GOING UP AND DOWN THE STEPS?

  • - OH, MY GOSH, DID YOU NOTICE THAT PICTURE?

  • WHO--WHO APPROVED THAT PICTURE?

  • LOOK AT THAT PICTURE!

  • - WELL...

  • - OH, MY GOSH, COLEMAN, I'M SO SORRY, BUDDY.

  • - THAT'S--I-- NOW I NOTICE IT, YES.

  • - CAN WE BLUR IT OUT OR SOMETHING?

  • THIS IS MY DOG.

  • THERE HE IS.

  • - LET'S SHOW THAT ONE. - YEAH.

  • - OKAY, SO HE'S THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD.

  • HOW OLD IS HE,

  • AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD HIM?

  • - HE IS-- HE'S 13 YEARS.

  • I RESCUED HIM AS A PUPPY.

  • AND HIS NAME'S COLEMAN HAWKINS,

  • AND HE HONESTLY IS THE CUTEST LITTLE GUY IN THE WORLD.

  • BUT IN MY HOUSE-- I CALL THAT PICTURE

  • "PEEK-A-BOO AROUND THE PILLOW TIME."

  • BUT HE...

  • - HE'S SCARED TO GO UP AND DOWN THE STEPS?

  • - HE'S NOT SCARED.

  • HE'S JUST, LIKE--

  • MY OLD HOUSE THAT I LIVED IN

  • WAS, LIKE, ONE STORY,

  • AND NOW THERE'S STAIRS IN THE STORY.

  • AND HE'S, LIKE, LEGITIMATELY SO SMART

  • THAT HE'S LIKE,

  • "WELL, WHY AM I DOING ALL THESE STAIRS

  • "IF YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO DOWN

  • "AND THEN EVENTUALLY COME RIGHT BACK UP?

  • "I'M GONNA WAIT AND SEE WHAT YOU DO DOWN THERE,

  • AND THEN I'LL COMMIT TO COMING DOWNSTAIRS."

  • - RIGHT.

  • - SO HE'S FIGURED OUT THAT SOMETIMES

  • I JUST HAVE TO RUN DOWN AND GET SOMETHING

  • OR SOMETIMES I HAVE TO RUN UP AND GET SOMETHING,

  • AND HE JUST WAITS.

  • AND IF I'M UP THERE FOR FIVE MINUTES

  • OR DOWN THERE FOR FIVE MINUTES, THEN HE'LL JOIN.

  • - BECAUSE MY DOG IS SCARED OF GOING UP

  • AND DOWN THE STAIRS; THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS.

  • I THOUGHT HE WAS SCARED. - SO YOU HAVE TO CARRY--

  • - [roars] - OH, YOU MOTHER!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • I'M DONE!

  • YOU'RE ALL GUILTY!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - WE'LL BE BACK.

  • [cheers and applause]

- LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, WE GOT YOU GOOD.

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