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  • So I'm on line at the supermarket.

  • Two women in front of me.

  • One of them, her total was $8. The other, $3.

  • They both, of course, choose to pay by the use of the check.

  • Fact is, if it is a woman in front of you that's writing out the check...

  • ... you'll not be waiting long.

  • I have noticed that women are very fast with checks.

  • You know, because they write out so many checks.

  • The keys, they can never find. They don't know where that is.

  • But the checkbook, they got that.

  • They never fumble for the checkbook.

  • The checkbook comes out of a holster.

  • "Who do I make it out to?

  • There's my ID. "

  • There's something about a check, that, to a man, is not masculine.

  • I don't know exactly what it is. I think, to a man...

  • ... a check is like a note from your mother.

  • "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people...

  • ... l'm sure they'll stick up for me. If you could just trust me this one time.

  • I don't have any money, but I have these.

  • I wrote on these.

  • Is this of any value at all?"

  • What's that one?

  • Cocoon II, The Return.

  • I guess they didn't like it up there.

  • Maybe they came back for Chinese food.

  • You know, Maureen Stapleton gets a craving...

  • ... she's probably screaming at those aliens:

  • "I gotta have a lo mein. "

  • Okay, what are we doing here? I have seen everything.

  • Oh, yeah?

  • I don't believe you've seen this.

  • - Oh, lovely. - Yeah.

  • What do you think their parents think?

  • "So, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?"

  • "Oh, he's a public fornicator. "

  • "Yes, he's a fine boy. "

  • You know, this would be a really funny gift for Pamela's birthday.

  • Pamela. Do I know her?

  • Yeah, you met her when we were going out.

  • Oh, yeah, right.

  • You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?

  • No.

  • Blond hair, remember? Glasses.

  • Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?

  • - Riverside Drive. - Right.

  • In fact... No. Never mind.

  • Well, what is it?

  • A bunch of people are getting together tomorrow at some bar...

  • ... for her birthday, but...

  • You don't want to go to that. No. Okay.

  • Wait a second. Wait a second.

  • We could work out a little deal here.

  • - What little deal? - I will go to that...

  • ... you go with me to the little family wedding I have on Saturday.

  • A wedding?

  • - Have you lost it, man? - My parents are coming in for this.

  • - They're coming in? - Yeah, tomorrow.

  • Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?

  • No, no.

  • Still doing the big sweep across.

  • Why does he do that?

  • Doesn't think anyone can tell.

  • So, come on, do we have a deal?

  • A wedding?

  • There's a lot of people to mock.

  • - All right. What the hell. - Great.

  • When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not going anywhere.

  • - Come on, let's go. - Was I supposed to bring something?

  • - You could have. - I met her one time.

  • - It is not necessary. - Then what did you say that for?

  • - Hi. - Hi, Pamela.

  • - You remember Jerry? - Yes, we met.

  • - Happy birthday. - Thanks.

  • Everybody, this is Jerry and Elaine.

  • - Hi. - Hi.

  • I didn't bring anything.

  • - I put you two right here. - Oh, okay.

  • I'm sorry. I didn't know what... You know.

  • Nobody's told me anything about this...

  • How big a tip you think it would take to get him to stop?

  • I'm in for 5.

  • I'll supply the hat.

  • What do we have here?

  • Why don't you relax, and take your jacket off.

  • I can't. I have a tendency to get chilly.

  • How masculine.

  • Plus I'm wearing short sleeves. I don't want to expose my tattoos.

  • She's unbelievable.

  • - Hey, this guy says he know Bricker. - Oh, you know Bricker? From where?

  • What's going on here?

  • Got to be her boyfriend. She's too good to be alone.

  • What's the difference? I can't manoeuvre anyway...

  • ... with Elaine next to me.

  • - How do you know Pamela? - Friend of a friend.

  • - And you? - We went to law school together.

  • Oh, Jerry.

  • Oh, no. Not now.

  • I had this dream last night, and you were in it.

  • - Really? - Yeah.

  • Oh, God, I gotta get out of this.

  • You were you, but you weren't you.

  • - No kidding? - Yeah.

  • Why is this happening? Please mak e her stop.

  • I think... I think we were in my house where I grew up...

  • ... and you were standing there. You were looking out the window.

  • This is brutal.

  • And then you turned around, and you had these wooden teeth.

  • How do you like that?

  • Can I turn now? Is this over?

  • No, I can't. I can't. I'm stuck.

  • Jerry, are you listening to me?

  • Yes. I heard you.

  • Elaine, what's the name of that jewellery store you took me to that time?

  • Thank you, Pamela.

  • So, you're a lawyer?

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • Of course, they handled my tattoo-removal lawsuit.

  • - Oh, that was you. - Imagine.

  • Spelling "mom" with two O's.

  • That's very funny.

  • - What do you do? - Comedian.

  • Really? That explains it.

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • You ready?

  • We gotta run. Happy birthday.

  • - Bye, everyone. - Thanks for coming.

  • - Bye. - Bye.

  • I can't believe it. I got nothing.

  • I don't even know her name.

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • That wasn't so bad, really.

  • You know...

  • ... you could use a little work on your manners.

  • Why? What did I do?

  • Well, I just don't appreciate these little courtesy responses...

  • ... like I'm selling you aluminium siding. - I was listening.

  • No. You couldn't wait to get back to your little conversation.

  • No. You were talking about the dream you had...

  • ... where you had wooden teeth. - No!

  • No! You had wooden teeth!

  • You had wooden teeth. I didn't have them, you did.

  • All right, so I had wooden teeth. So what?

  • So... So nothing. Nothing.

  • - Hey. - There he is.

  • This is what I like. See?

  • You come home, your parents are in your bed.

  • You know, Jerry, we don't have to do this.

  • What are you talking about? I love having you here.

  • - Tomorrow, we'll go to a hotel. - Ma, will you stop?

  • No. Why should we take over your apartment?

  • I don't care. I'm sleeping next door.

  • Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?

  • No. He's making a bouillabaisse.

  • So, Dad, let me ask you a question.

  • How many people work at these big law offices?

  • - Depends on the firm. - Yeah, but if you called...

  • ... and described someone, you think they would know who it was?

  • What's the matter, you need a lawyer?

  • I met someone. I know where she works, but I don't know her name.

  • Why don't you ask someone who was at the party?

  • No. The only one I could ask is Elaine. I can't ask her.

  • - Why not? - Because it's complicated.

  • There's some tension there.

  • He used to go with her.

  • - Which one is she? - From Maryland.

  • She brought the chocolate-covered cherries you didn't like.

  • Oh, yeah. Very alert. Warm person.

  • Oh, yeah, she's great.

  • So how come nothing materialized there?

  • Well, it's a tough thing to talk about.

  • - I don't know. - I know what it was.

  • You don't know what it was.

  • So what was it?

  • Well, we fight a lot for some reason.

  • - Oh, well. - Oh, well.

  • And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry.

  • Well, I think she's a very attractive girl.

  • She is. She absolutely is.

  • I can see if there was a weight problem...

  • No, it's not that.

  • It wasn't all one-sided.

  • You know you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.

  • - I know, I know. - You know, Jerry...

  • ... good thing I wasn't so particular.

  • Idiot.

  • - Who you looking for, Sophia Loren? - That's got nothing to do with it.

  • How about Loni Anderson?

  • Where do you get Loni Anderson?

  • Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?

  • I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson.

  • What are you two talking about?

  • Look, Elaine just wasn't the one.

  • And this other one's the one?

  • - I don't know. Maybe. - So ask Elaine there for the number.

  • I can't. She'll get upset.

  • I never talk about other women with her...

  • ... especially this one tonight. - How could you still see her...

  • ... if you're not interested? - We're friends.

  • Doesn't sound like you're friends. If you were friends...

  • ... you'd ask her for the number.

  • - Do you know where this one works? - Oh, yeah.

  • So go up to the office.

  • Up to her office?

  • Go to the building.

  • She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?

  • - I guess. - So you stand in the lobby...

  • ... by the elevator and wait for her to come down for lunch.

  • You mean stake out the lobby?

  • Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number.

  • He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number.

  • So you got him standing by the elevator like a dope.

  • - What happens when he sees her? - He pretends he bumped into her.

  • You know what? This is not that bad an idea.

  • - What does she look like? - I don't know. It's hard to say.

  • What actress does she remind you of?

  • Loni Anderson.

  • Loni Anderson?

  • What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson?

  • Hey, listen, thanks again for running over here.

  • Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th Street.

  • Besides, you think I want to miss this?

  • - I'm a little nervous. - Yeah. Me too.

  • If I see her, what do I say I'm doing in the building?

  • To see me. I work in the building.

  • What do you do?

  • I'm an architect.

  • You're an architect?

  • I'm not?

  • I don't see architecture coming from you.

  • I suppose you could be an architect.

  • I never said that I was the architect.

  • - Just something else. - She's not even going to ask.

  • If we see her, which is remote.

  • What do you want me to say, I just wandered in?

  • We're having lunch with a friend. He works here.

  • What is his name?

  • Burt Har...

  • ... binson. Burt Harbinson.

  • - Burt Harbinson. - Right.

  • - It sounds made-up. - No good?

  • All right.

  • Art...

  • ... Core.

  • Art Core.

  • Velay.

  • - Corevelay? - Yeah, right.

  • Well, what does he do?

  • He's an importer.

  • Just imports? No exports?

  • He's an importer-exporter, okay?

  • Did Elaine ever call you back?

  • No. I guess she's still mad.

  • I don't understand. You never talk to her about other women?

  • Never.

  • Wait a second. That's her.

  • On the right.

  • I forgot who I am. Who am I?

  • You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corevelay.

  • - Vandalay. - Corevelay.

  • Let me be the architect. I can do it. I can do it.

  • Hey, hey...

  • Pamela's birthday party.

  • - Didn't I see you there? Jerry. - Sure. Hi.

  • - This is George. I'm sorry. - Vanessa.

  • Nice to meet you.

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • That's right. What are you doing here?

  • Meeting a friend for lunch. Works in the building.

  • Yeah, Art Vandalay.

  • Oh, really?

  • Which company?

  • - I don't know. He's an importer. - I don't really know...

  • - Importer. - And exporter.

  • He's an importer-exporter.

  • I'm...

  • I'm an architect.

  • Really? Well, what do you design?

  • Railroads.

  • I thought engineers do that.

  • They can.

  • I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.

  • Me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.

  • - Oh, that guy was your cousin. - Yeah.

  • - And that woman was your... - Friend.

  • I'll just get a paper.

  • So...

  • ... do you date immature men?

  • Almost exclusively.

  • I have no letters.

  • Ma, will you go already?

  • - What are you doing? - I just want to see something.

  • You can't look in there. We're playing.

  • - Hi. - Hi.

  • - Good evening, Mr. Kramer. - Hey, Morty.

  • - Salad dressing? - Look.

  • - "Quo. " Is that a word? - Maybe.

  • - Will you challenge it? - Ma, you can't look up words...

  • ... in the dictionary. Dad, she's cheating.

  • "Quo"? That's not a word.

  • - You're such a stickler. - Well, put something down.

  • You're taking 20 minutes on this.

  • So Uncle Mac and Artie, they're all coming here before the wedding?

  • They'll be here at 2:00.

  • Oh, Elaine called. She said she'd be here at 2:30 and she says:

  • "Hope your meeting went well with Art Vandalay. "

  • - She said what? - Just what I said. Here.

  • She knows.

  • Oh, I am such a jackass.

  • - She knows what? - She knows the whole stupid thing.

  • Vanessa and the elevator.

  • No, no, that won't do. He may have a Z.

  • So how did she find out?

  • Because Vanessa probably told Pamela...

  • ... and Pamela probably told Elaine.

  • So, what are you, afraid of her?

  • Yes. Yes, I am.

  • - What else did she say on the phone? - Whatever I wrote down.

  • Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?

  • Who am I, Rich Little?

  • Well, she can't be too mad.

  • - She's still coming to the wedding. - Yeah, but now I'm nervous.

  • Oh, stop it.

  • - "Quone"? - Thirty, 31, 32...

  • "Quone"?

  • No, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to challenge that.

  • No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word.

  • - That's a definite word. - I am challenging.

  • "Quone. " To "quone" something.

  • I'm not playing with you anymore.

  • "Quone's" not a word.

  • No good. Sorry. There it is.

  • Get it off.

  • Why did you make me put that down?

  • No. We need a medical dictionary.

  • Like a patient gets difficult, you quone him.

  • You want some funny material? You ought to come down to where I work.

  • There's a sitcom.

  • You must have quite a time down there.

  • - We got plenty of time. - Sorry. I am just waiting for someone.

  • Watch what you say to this guy. He'll put it in his next act.

  • - Yeah, yeah. - Jerry, did I tell you...

  • ... that I'm writing a book, an autobiography?

  • Yeah, you mentioned it.

  • It's based on all my experiences.

  • That's perfect.

  • - Could you excuse me one second? - Sure.

  • - I'm sorry. - Sure.

  • How do you do? Jerry Seinfeld.

  • Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes.

  • You want to do this now, or you wanna wait?

  • Oh, no, let's do it now.

  • The whole elevator business, let me just explain.

  • - Okay. - Jerry, are you going with us?

  • - No, I'm gonna take my car. - That's why I brought the wagon.

  • Why the hell did I bring the wagon?

  • Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you?

  • I mean, I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab.

  • Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before.

  • It was quite the spectacle.

  • Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.

  • Oh, bye. Good to see you.

  • Oh, we didn't meet.

  • Sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine.

  • - Levine. - Artie.

  • Artie! Come on.

  • Yeah, Levine.

  • And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp.

  • Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do...

  • ... but I mean, obviously we have a little problem here.

  • Yeah, obviously.

  • If we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people.

  • - Couldn't agree more. - Good.

  • - Good. - Good.

  • Great.

  • Great? Where do you get great?

  • It's great to talk about...

  • ... other people. - Guys.

  • - Yeah. - Yeah.

  • Well, anybody specific?

  • No.

  • - A general guy. - Oh, really?

  • - Elaine Marie Benes. - What?

  • No, it's not a big deal.

  • No, that's great. That's terrific.

  • - No, we just met. - Doesn't matter.

  • What's the young man's name? I would like to meet him.

  • I don't think so.

  • Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan...

  • ... a craftsman, a labourer of some sort?

  • - Wall Street. - High finance.

  • Bulls, bears, people from Connecticut.

  • And he happens to be pretty good-looking.

  • All right, sir.

  • And he's hilarious.

  • - Now that's not fair. - You know.

  • So where did you meet this guy?

  • I staked out his health club.

  • When you're on a stakeout...

  • ... do you find it's better to stand up against the wall...

  • ... or kind of crouch down behind a big plant?

  • You know, I think that...

  • ... even if you've had a relationship with someone...

  • ... or, let's say, especially if you've had a relationship with someone...

  • ... and you try and become friends afterwards...

  • ... it's very difficult. Isn't this?

  • It's hard because you know each other so well.

  • You know? You know all each other's tricks.

  • It's like two magicians trying to entertain each other.

  • You know, one goes, "Look, a rabbit. " The other goes, "So?"

  • "I believe that's your card. "

  • "Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay?"

  • Subtitles by SDI Media Group Adapted by Ninjaw P.B.

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