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  • So I'm on line at the supermarket.

  • Two women in front of me.

  • One of them, her total was $8. The other, $3.

  • They both, of course, choose to pay by the use of the check.

  • Fact is, if it is a woman in front of you that's writing out the check...

  • ... you'll not be waiting long.

  • I have noticed that women are very fast with checks.

  • You know, because they write out so many checks.

  • The keys, they can never find. They don't know where that is.

  • But the checkbook, they got that.

  • They never fumble for the checkbook.

  • The checkbook comes out of a holster.

  • "Who do I make it out to?

  • There's my ID. "

  • There's something about a check, that, to a man, is not masculine.

  • I don't know exactly what it is. I think, to a man...

  • ... a check is like a note from your mother.

  • "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people...

  • ... l'm sure they'll stick up for me. If you could just trust me this one time.

  • I don't have any money, but I have these.

  • I wrote on these.

  • Is this of any value at all?"

  • What's that one?

  • Cocoon II, The Return.

  • I guess they didn't like it up there.

  • Maybe they came back for Chinese food.

  • You know, Maureen Stapleton gets a craving...

  • ... she's probably screaming at those aliens:

  • "I gotta have a lo mein. "

  • Okay, what are we doing here? I have seen everything.

  • Oh, yeah?

  • I don't believe you've seen this.

  • - Oh, lovely. - Yeah.

  • What do you think their parents think?

  • "So, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?"

  • "Oh, he's a public fornicator. "

  • "Yes, he's a fine boy. "

  • You know, this would be a really funny gift for Pamela's birthday.

  • Pamela. Do I know her?

  • Yeah, you met her when we were going out.

  • Oh, yeah, right.

  • You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?

  • No.

  • Blond hair, remember? Glasses.

  • Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?

  • - Riverside Drive. - Right.

  • In fact... No. Never mind.

  • Well, what is it?

  • A bunch of people are getting together tomorrow at some bar...

  • ... for her birthday, but...

  • You don't want to go to that. No. Okay.

  • Wait a second. Wait a second.

  • We could work out a little deal here.

  • - What little deal? - I will go to that...

  • ... you go with me to the little family wedding I have on Saturday.

  • A wedding?

  • - Have you lost it, man? - My parents are coming in for this.

  • - They're coming in? - Yeah, tomorrow.

  • Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?

  • No, no.

  • Still doing the big sweep across.

  • Why does he do that?

  • Doesn't think anyone can tell.

  • So, come on, do we have a deal?

  • A wedding?

  • There's a lot of people to mock.

  • - All right. What the hell. - Great.

  • When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not going anywhere.

  • - Come on, let's go. - Was I supposed to bring something?

  • - You could have. - I met her one time.

  • - It is not necessary. - Then what did you say that for?

  • - Hi. - Hi, Pamela.

  • - You remember Jerry? - Yes, we met.

  • - Happy birthday. - Thanks.

  • Everybody, this is Jerry and Elaine.

  • - Hi. - Hi.

  • I didn't bring anything.

  • - I put you two right here. - Oh, okay.

  • I'm sorry. I didn't know what... You know.

  • Nobody's told me anything about this...

  • How big a tip you think it would take to get him to stop?

  • I'm in for 5.

  • I'll supply the hat.

  • What do we have here?

  • Why don't you relax, and take your jacket off.

  • I can't. I have a tendency to get chilly.

  • How masculine.

  • Plus I'm wearing short sleeves. I don't want to expose my tattoos.

  • She's unbelievable.

  • - Hey, this guy says he know Bricker. - Oh, you know Bricker? From where?

  • What's going on here?

  • Got to be her boyfriend. She's too good to be alone.

  • What's the difference? I can't manoeuvre anyway...

  • ... with Elaine next to me.

  • - How do you know Pamela? - Friend of a friend.

  • - And you? - We went to law school together.

  • Oh, Jerry.

  • Oh, no. Not now.

  • I had this dream last night, and you were in it.

  • - Really? - Yeah.

  • Oh, God, I gotta get out of this.

  • You were you, but you weren't you.

  • - No kidding? - Yeah.

  • Why is this happening? Please mak e her stop.

  • I think... I think we were in my house where I grew up...

  • ... and you were standing there. You were looking out the window.

  • This is brutal.

  • And then you turned around, and you had these wooden teeth.

  • How do you like that?

  • Can I turn now? Is this over?

  • No, I can't. I can't. I'm stuck.

  • Jerry, are you listening to me?

  • Yes. I heard you.

  • Elaine, what's the name of that jewellery store you took me to that time?

  • Thank you, Pamela.

  • So, you're a lawyer?

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • Of course, they handled my tattoo-removal lawsuit.

  • - Oh, that was you. - Imagine.

  • Spelling "mom" with two O's.

  • That's very funny.

  • - What do you do? - Comedian.

  • Really? That explains it.

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • You ready?

  • We gotta run. Happy birthday.

  • - Bye, everyone. - Thanks for coming.

  • - Bye. - Bye.

  • I can't believe it. I got nothing.

  • I don't even know her name.

  • Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

  • That wasn't so bad, really.

  • You know...

  • ... you could use a little work on your manners.

  • Why? What did I do?

  • Well, I just don't appreciate these little courtesy responses...

  • ... like I'm selling you aluminium siding. - I was listening.

  • No. You couldn't wait to get back to your little conversation.

  • No. You were talking about the dream you had...

  • ... where you had wooden teeth. - No!

  • No! You had wooden teeth!

  • You had wooden teeth. I didn't have them, you did.

  • All right, so I had wooden teeth. So what?

  • So... So nothing. Nothing.

  • - Hey. - There he is.

  • This is what I like. See?

  • You come home, your parents are in your bed.

  • You know, Jerry, we don't have to do this.

  • What are you talking about? I love having you here.

  • - Tomorrow, we'll go to a hotel. - Ma, will you stop?

  • No. Why should we take over your apartment?

  • I don't care. I'm sleeping next door.

  • Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?

  • No. He's making a bouillabaisse.

  • So, Dad, let me ask you a question.

  • How many people work at these big law offices?

  • - Depends on the firm. - Yeah, but if you called...

  • ... and described someone, you think they would know who it was?

  • What's the matter, you need a lawyer?

  • I met someone. I know where she works, but I don't know her name.

  • Why don't you ask someone who was at the party?

  • No. The only one I could ask is Elaine. I can't ask her.

  • - Why not? - Because it's complicated.

  • There's some tension there.

  • He used to go with her.

  • - Which one is she? - From Maryland.

  • She brought the chocolate-covered cherries you didn't like.

  • Oh, yeah. Very alert. Warm person.

  • Oh, yeah, she's great.

  • So how come nothing materialized there?

  • Well, it's a tough thing to talk about.

  • - I don't know. - I know what it was.