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  • HONEST TRAILER: IRON MAN 2

  • VOICE From the poor man's Joss Whedon,

  • comes the forgettable follow-up to Iron Man, that's essentially just

  • killing time until The Avengers.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Iron Man II.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) The completely dissappointing

  • sequel you fooled yourself into liking just because it had Iron Man

  • in it.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Suit up for a feature-length

  • version of the Nick Fury bonus scene from the end of the first Iron Man.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Which will still be unresolved by

  • the end of this movie.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) We've witnessed Tony Stark battle

  • global terrorism and his inner demons, now prepare to see him take

  • on his biggest challenges yet...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Tedious government committees!

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Corporate manuvering!

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Low batteries!

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Alcoholism?

  • VOICE (CONT'D) And some guy with a bird.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) A sequel so inferior it will

  • replace an awesome origin story

  • with countless subplots you won't

  • remember as soon as you walk out of

  • the theater

  • VOICE (CONT'D) A story that ditches technology

  • grounded in reality for laughably

  • unrealistic magic holograms.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) And substitutes Jeff Bridges

  • with...Gary Shandling?

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Witness a superhero movie with just

  • enough Iron Man action to fill a 3

  • minute trailer...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) ...But not a feature length film.

  • Trust us. We counted.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Instead, sit back and watch Iron

  • Man...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Attend corporate events

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Eat doughnuts

  • VOICE (CONT'D) DJ birthday parties

  • VOICE (CONT'D) And pee his pants

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Experience the epic face off

  • between Iron Man and one of

  • Marvel's least known villains:

  • Whiplash...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) ...Who's harnessed the most

  • dangerous modern technology ever. Only to waste it...on a whip.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) A foe with no known super powers

  • who somehow survives being crushed by a car, not once, not twice, but

  • four f**king times...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) To defeat this madman, Iron Man's

  • bringing in backup, and they're all just as boring as the rest of the movie:

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Pepper Potts, an inconsistent nag

  • who totally cool with her boyfriend being Iron Man...

  • But freaks out when he drives a car...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Black Widow: A sexy spy shoehorned

  • into the movie, just to establish her boobs for the Avengers.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) And Lieutenant Colonel James

  • Rhodes.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Nope, not that one.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Yeah that's the one.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Who has the skills to perfectly fit

  • in and pilot an Iron Man suit, without any previous experience.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Wait, didn't Tony need like half a

  • movie to learn how to work that thing?

  • VOICE (CONT'D) A new chapter so thin, the key to

  • the entire plot is resolved by a 40

  • year-old easter egg from Tony's

  • dad...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) ...Who decades earlier somehow knew

  • his grown son would keep his old

  • diorama, put it in an impossible-to

  • predict holographic computer

  • display, that can magnify

  • impossible amounts of detail, and

  • reveal the chemical makeup of an

  • impossible to create element, which

  • Tony immediately synthesizes in

  • order to wrap up all loose ends.

  • Ugh, someone got paid to write

  • this?

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Starring...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Robb Stark

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Mrs. Coldplay

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Better Terrence Howard

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Some guy in a Mickey Rourke Mask

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Oh! That guy from, um...he was in

  • that one movie...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) A guy in a Gary Shandling mask

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Vince Vaughn's BFF

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Don Draper

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Sam...Elliott? No...Uh, uh...man

  • that's bugging me...

  • VOICE (CONT'D) And Hawkeye...with boobs!

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Iron Man 2.

  • VOICE (CONT'D) Sam Rockwell! Sam Rockwell!

  • That's the guy. I loved him in Galaxy Quest.

HONEST TRAILER: IRON MAN 2

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