but my subtext will be, "I don't really care."

I'm trying to buy a computer over the Internet.

So you're on the computer trying to buy a computer

from, essentially, another computer.

And your point is?

Who needs you?

What are you talking about?

Isn't it obvious?

You're letting the computers take over.

You're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy

and to finally disappear.

Stop turning this into a science-fiction story.

I'm just trying to buy a computer.

Ah, that's what they want you to think.

What you're really doing

is helping computers all around the world

link up to form a colossal super-being.

Once it achieves consciousness,

I'd say the human race

has pretty much served its purpose.

And I guess then the computers will try to get rid of us?

Don't worry.

I have a plan to save humanity.

That's very noble of you.

When I say "save," I mean as in "I save stamps"

or "I save old bottles."

[EXPLOSION]

[music]

[CHANTING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Ooh, the 750A has a vector cooling system,

but the 750B has dynamic memory caching

and a modular backplane.

Why must I be forced to choose?

Can you live without those things?

I don't see how that's possible.

Maybe I can order a custom-designed model.

One of these...

One of those...

Can't live without that.

Oh, now that's a home computer system.

The other engineers will be forced to bow before me,

and it only costs, what...?

$27,000.

The other engineers won't even know you have it.

They will if I have it delivered to the office.

I'll give them some time to drool over it

before I bring it home.

Hmm, travel miles...

vacation miles, phone miles...

Here it is. Medical miles.

I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia operation,

not necessarily when I need it,

but whenever they have the excess capacity.

Still, it's a good deal.

Do you ever worry about putting

your credit card information on the Internet?

That is the most ridiculous question

I have ever heard.

It is no riskier to use your credit card online

than to use it in any store.

Uh, make sure you sign the back.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

I hear you have excellent rates.

DILBERT: It's got redundant raid drives, four terabits each,

three-millisecond access time, built-in DSL,

wireless game ports, flat-panel 30-inch monitor...

ALL: Wow!

Truly, you have ordered

the finest home computer known to mankind.

Well, I don't know if it's the finest ever.

Can I touch it if I wash my hands first?

Especially this one!

I'll have to think about that.

That's all I ask!

What are you going to name it?

Don't be silly.

Come on, what's its name?

Bill.

Excuse me.

Don't worry, I do the same thing

almost every time I get in the elevator.

I don't know if it's the motion or what.

I'm looking for someone named Dilbert.

Sounds vaguely familiar.

I have a package for him.

I'll sign for it.

"Is the package complete and exactly what you ordered?"

Looks about right.

Your name is Eunice?

That's an alias I use when I go line-dancing.

I didn't know you needed an alias to line-dance.

You do when you kick as hard as I do.

There's a big box by the elevators with your name on it.

Why would an elevator have my name on it?

[GROANS]

You may use my house key to tear open the box.

It has very sharp teeth.

No, we need the right tools for the job.

I once killed a coyote with this key.

It was very small.

It might have been a potato.

I have just the thing.

The T300 pocketknife.

The T300 is old technology, my friend.

Gaze upon the T400.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ya!

LOUD HOWARD: That doesn't look like

the next generation of computing to me!

Don't be ridiculous.

Of course it's...

That's not what I ordered.

It's old technology!

To think I once respected you.

Now the notion fills me with disgust.

Oh, where have all the cowboys gone, indeed?

Don't write me off yet.

This is clearly their mistake, and they will rectify it.

Mark my words.

WOMAN: If you would like to start over, press 61.

Any luck?

I don't believe in luck.

That's good,

because if you did, you wouldn't have any.

You've been on hold for an hour.

I'm not on hold.

I'm waiting for the right menu choice.

WOMAN: If you want to speak to a live...

recording, press 63.

If you want to speak with a representative...

of congress, press 64.

Tease.

No good choices yet?

Number 46 was promising, but I don't speak Mandarin

and I'm not inquiring about a tractor.

Dang, I didn't hear that one.

That might have been the one.

It's never the one.

You think it's the one,

but it's just the one that gives you more choices

that aren't the one.

Comp-U-Comp can't hide from me forever.

I'll find a live person to talk to.

What if they don't have any live people?

They have to have people.

Not necessarily.

They could automate the ordering

and billing systems

and outsource all of the manufacturing functions.

Are you trying to tell me

that the world has already been taken over by computers

and we just don't know it?

Let's examine the evidence.

So far, you've ordered a computer on a computer

from a computer, and now you're listening to a computer.

Where are the humans?

Show me the humans.

WOMAN: If you'd like to sleep with me, press 73...

I see no humans in this process.

Well, that's just crazy.

Wait, this might be it.

If you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee

of a fulfillment house that we pay to take your calls,

press 74.

Aha! People!

[PHONE RINGING]

Thank you for calling...

uh, Comp-Puke-Comp...

or it's perhaps Comp-Ah-Comp...

I believe it's Comp-U-Comp.

What are you calling me for if you know so much?

Before I get to that,

first of all, may I have your name?

That way they know they're accountable.

Uh, my name is...

Uh...

Hold-- Hold'em.

Hold'em Callfielder.

Aha. Yes.

Well, then, Mr. Callfielder,

I'm sure you want to make your customer satisfied, don't you?

Yeah, it's all I live for-- that, my minimum wage,

and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first.

I'll take that as a yes.

Anyway, I would like to return the computer you sent me

and get the correct model.

Well, according to our records,

A "Eunice" says the computer was the right one.

I don't know any Eunice.

I used to line-dance with a Eunice...

until the day she showed up wearing steel-toed boots.

Right. Well, the point is, you owe me a new computer.

I'm not authorized to approve that.

Then I'd like to speak with your supervisor.

All right.

I'm getting a supervisor.

I'm moving up the chain.

Hello. This is the supervisor.

My name is Callin'...

Callin' Holdenphone.

Can you approve sending me the computer I ordered?

Oh, no, I can only do

what my computer screen tells me to do.

Well, can you talk to someone who can make a decision?

Uh, there isn't anybody like that.

No one exists who can override

the information on the computer screen?

I think I just said that, only using different words.

Look, I'm going to go down to your office.

We don't have one.

Warehouse? No.

Headquarters? Uh-uh.

Well, you must be somewhere.

Where are you located?

Uh, I'm not allowed to give out that information.

Have a nice day.

Well, Dilbert,

I see you're in on this little scam too.

What scam?

This is the post office.

If you know the secret password,

they give you free merchandise.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The secret password is "Bob Johnson."

If you say "Bob Johnson,"

sometimes they'll go in the back

and get a package for you.

It also works with "Jim Smith,"

but you have to get here early.

Don't they ask you for ID?

They know me here.

They really know how to make me feel wanted.

I'd like to mail this package.

Next!

Bob Johnson.

No can do.

"No can do"?

You used regular adhesive tape.

Can't you read the sign?

No.

That's unacceptable postal packaging.

I'll have no part of it.

Couldn't you just put some regulation tape on it?

You've got a whole roll of it right there.

Here you go. I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

See you next week.

I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person.

Come on, you cowardly uber-computer,

show yourself.

Looks like somebody's not working.

I'm working.

I didn't say it was you.

Nothing but post office mailboxes.

It's as if Comp-U-Comp doesn't even exist.

MAN: Uh, thank you for calling... Comp-U-Comp.

How may I help you?

Are you telling me we're THE COMP-U-COMP COMPANY?

No, we're just the fulfillment center.

I'm not allowed to tell you where Comp-U-Comp is.

Greetings, boys.

Would you mind pointing me in the direction of my office?

It's him-- Eunice!

No! No, don't let him kick me again!

I'll tell you where Comp-U-Comp is.

I'll tell you everything!

Shouldn't we be working?

[SCREAMING]

He's right, you know.

It's a question of appropriateness.

There it is!

I don't see any people.

There has to be someone here someplace.