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  • This carpooling together is a great idea.

  • Who thought of it anyway?

  • You did.

  • [BOSS CHUCKLES WITH FALSE MODESTY]

  • Do you mind if I shave in the car?

  • I guess that would be okay.

  • What are you doing?

  • I like to start on my back.

  • I hope you realize I have to sell my car now.

  • You mind if I brush my teeth?

  • I don't see how...

  • How do you expect to rinse your mouth out?

  • [CLOSED MOUTHED]: Uh-oh, uh-oh.

  • Hmm.

  • Tomorrow, you drive...

  • preferably without me.

  • What?

  • [SPITTING]

  • What was that sound?

  • I think you hit a squirrel.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [CHANTING]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • I love carpooling.

  • By the way, I dropped my floss

  • in the crack of your seat.

  • I'd like it back.

  • You can have the whole car.

  • Thank you.

  • Have a nice day.

  • I left my ID in the car, but you know me.

  • I do?

  • We've seen each other every day

  • for the past five years.

  • Then you must know my name.

  • Well, uh...

  • It's Gary.

  • Of course, Gary. I knew that.

  • It's not Gary.

  • Then why did you tell me it was?

  • Testing your character.

  • Guess you failed.

  • Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.

  • There's always enough time to be secure.

  • That's my motto.

  • That's not your motto.

  • It is now.

  • I liked it as soon as I heard it.

  • How about letting me slide this time?

  • That would be a violation

  • of the security guard's professional code of ethics.

  • Professional code of ethics?

  • Is that a joke?

  • All you do is sit there and watch people walk past.

  • That's hardly a profession.

  • Well, Mr. Big Shot Engineer

  • thinks he's king of the world

  • with his degree and his briefcase

  • and his fancy cubicle.

  • It must be so hard

  • to sit there in meetings all day.

  • At least it's a profession with very strict requirements.

  • Your job could be done by a...

  • a... uh...

  • Help me out here.

  • There's always enough time to be secure.

  • An ostrich.

  • That's what your job could be done by.

  • Oh, good one.

  • An ostrich could do my job.

  • Very clever.

  • I'm sure you use that cleverness

  • in your challenging job as an engineer.

  • You bet I do!

  • And lots more.

  • I could be an engineer tomorrow if I wanted to.

  • but you could never, ever DO my job.

  • That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

  • Engineering takes years of training.

  • I've been doing some reading on the topic.

  • For example, did you know

  • you can build your own helicopter for $25?

  • You can't build a helicopter for $25.

  • That just gets you the instructions.

  • What if you already have the parts?

  • Good point there.

  • Who has helicopter parts in their house?

  • You can't be an engineer just by reading magazines.

  • If you're so cocky, how about a little wager?

  • We'll switch jobs for one day.

  • Whoever can do the other person's job wins.

  • I'd do it, except there's no way

  • you could ever get hired as an engineer.

  • When can you start?

  • What are you doing?

  • He's never been an engineer before.

  • Oh, how hard could it be?

  • I'm always correcting your WORK,

  • and I've never been to engineering school.

  • You always correct my work from being right to being wrong.

  • Well, uh...

  • There's always enough time to be secure.

  • Okay, you're on.

  • And what are we wagering, if you're so cocky?

  • It doesn't matter, since I'm going to win.

  • How about your house?

  • Sure, why not?

  • If I lose, you can have my house.

  • If you lose, I can have your house.

  • I don't have a house.

  • How about your speedboat?

  • Uh, no.

  • Polo ponies?

  • Let me think... no.

  • My God, man,

  • what have you been wasting your money on?

  • Food.

  • Well, maybe you should cut back on the calories.

  • That's how I got my summer home.

  • How about your car?

  • It's borrowed, but...

  • Yeah, I guess that'd be okay.

  • Deal.

  • But you still need your I.D. to get in the building.

  • I'll be right back.

  • It's in the glove compartment.

  • Look at the time.

  • Gotta go!

  • Do you want to get in on the sports pool?

  • What teams are playing?

  • Doesn't matter.

  • The winners are chosen by matching the scores

  • to your randomly-selected positions on the grid.

  • If it's random, why does it matter what the scores are?

  • Why not forget the game and pick the winners out of a hat?

  • So, you prefer to play the hat.

  • I can make that happen.

  • For $1.00, you can draw from the hat.

  • And there are no random sports teams involved?

  • Right-- just the way you like it.

  • $1.00.

  • It's a four.

  • That's a loser. Thanks for playing.

  • What's the winning number?

  • Not four. That's all you need to know.

  • Did I hear some gambling going on here?

  • I want in.

  • There's the sports pool,

  • the dead pool, the awards pool,

  • and the Dilbert pool.

  • People are betting ON ME?

  • Well, most are betting against you.

  • You know, if you bet against yourself,

  • you'll be covered both ways.

  • I'm not betting.

  • What are the odds?

  • Five-to-one against.

  • I'll take the Dilbert pool.

  • The hat's a sucker's game.

  • DILBERT: How much training do you think I need

  • to be a security guard for one day?

  • Mm, six months.

  • Maybe a year.

  • A year?

  • All they do is stand there and say, "Have a nice day."

  • It looks pretty easy.

  • It looks EASY BECAUSE THEY'RE SO GOOD at it.

  • If you try to do that job without the proper training,

  • you're dead meat.

  • "Dead meat" is redundant.

  • Once something gets classified as meat,

  • it hardly ever recovers.

  • I've got a pork chop in the fridge

  • that I'm optimistic about.

  • He's a fighter.

  • Do you have TO ARGUE

  • with every SINGLE THING I SAY?

  • Mm, I don't have TO. IT'S MY HOBBY.

  • I can quit any time I want.