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  • I didn't know you ate here.

  • I don't. I just come here to yell at the employees.

  • Your milkshake, sir.

  • That'll be $1.89.

  • Your sign says $1.98.

  • What kind of a rip-off joint is this?

  • Oh, I am so sorry.

  • You're right.

  • Now I don't even want it.

  • You can keep your milkshake.

  • Have a nice day.

  • Huh!

  • See you back at the office.

  • Have a nice day.

  • Would you like a free dupey with that?

  • I don't know what a dupey is,

  • but if it's free, I'll take one.

  • I'm sorry, we don't have any.

  • [GROANS]

  • I'm not going to hit you.

  • You can if you want.

  • Everyone does.

  • What exactly is a dupey anyway?

  • I have no idea, sir, but they're very popular.

  • Oh, they're the cutest things,

  • although they don't even exist yet.

  • I'm trying to collect the whole set.

  • They don't exist?

  • Why are you asking me

  • if I want something that doesn't even exist?

  • That's the idea.

  • I don't know, sir.

  • I just work here.

  • Ow... thank you.

  • Have a nice day.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [CHANTING]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Ratbert, can you tell me

  • why strange babies are in my kitchen?

  • No. I'm operating on a need-to-know basis.

  • Spoons loaded.

  • Commence dining.

  • It's hard to get mad.

  • They're so cute.

  • That's what I've been telling you.

  • Use your cuteness.

  • It is your most powerful weapon.

  • You think you should be teaching babies this sort of thing?

  • No, you can't start too early.

  • I've been working with most of these kids

  • since they were in the womb.

  • What do their parents think of this?

  • Oh, they think they're at the park.

  • The nannies are on the payroll.

  • Don't you think they have a right to know?

  • Why? Because they're older?

  • That's so arbitrary.

  • Now, if you'll excuse me.

  • Next week, I'll teach you

  • how to kick the seat in front of you

  • for the entire length of the movie.

  • Then I have a special clinic

  • on making all the candy in the jar yours

  • via the miracle of slobbering.

  • I invited Ann from marketing

  • to tell us a little about our newest advertising campaign.

  • Ah... ah...

  • Uh-oh.

  • Sneeze coming!

  • Ah... ah...

  • Fire in the hole!

  • Ah... ah...

  • I think everyone might be

  • overreacting...

  • [SNEEZES]

  • Gesundheit.

  • Watch me get blamed for that!

  • Maybe I'll just tell you

  • about the marketing campaign myself.

  • I've got a little surprise for you.

  • Uh-oh.

  • I don't like surprises.

  • Nothing good can come from this.

  • My desire for spontaneity

  • has not been ground into dust yet.

  • I still like a surprise.

  • Is it a ceramic porpoise,

  • or possibly some sort of tossed salad in a blanket?

  • Come on, those aren't even good guesses.

  • Oh, please, show us and make my tingling stop.

  • Look, it's a dupey.

  • Isn't it cute?

  • Isn't it cute?

  • Well, isn't it?

  • It's your hand.

  • That's because the freaking dupey doesn't exist.

  • Yet, our marketing department

  • has been advertising it for months.

  • You mean our company is supposed to be making the dupey?

  • We're not even a toy company.

  • Why didn't someone in marketing come to us sooner?

  • Dilbert, you're in charge of building the dupey.

  • Just make it cute.

  • Very, very cute.

  • There are more important things than cuteness, you know?

  • Ah... ah...

  • Hold it.

  • There's still time to invite someone else from marketing.

  • Oh, my word!

  • Dilbert, cut the cord.

  • Me? I don't think so.

  • You really think I should? Maybe...

  • Just cut the cord!

  • [CRYING LIKE A BABY]

  • Congratulations. It's a fad.

  • DOGBERT: Remember, kids,

  • if your parents feel guilty, they are GUILTY.

  • Hey, look what I brought home.

  • It's a...

  • [YELLS]

  • Now I'm not the cutest one in the family anymore.

  • [CRYING]: Oh, God.

  • [INFANT CRYING]

  • What's wrong?

  • [CRYING STOPS]

  • Must be a loose connection.

  • [CRYING]

  • Now, come on...

  • I can't do this all night.

  • This is not the way you've been programmed.

  • I'm sure you're fine.

  • This is just a minor malfunction.

  • Now, stop it.

  • Stop it.

  • [CRYING STOPS]

  • [CRYING]

  • [CRYING STOPS]

  • [GROANS]

  • I'm sorry I'm late.

  • The dupey kept me up again last night.

  • It is very innovative

  • to blame a toy for your shortcomings.

  • Surely, this method will spread like wildfire.

  • I'm not really lazy.

  • I blame that damn dupey.

  • Sometimes, the dupey makes my hair look too big.

  • I'm not loud!

  • I'm not making this up.

  • The dupey's malfunctioning at night,

  • and I don't know why.

  • Sounds familiar.

  • I remember when I'd be trying to sleep,

  • and the little tikes

  • would be crying all night in the next room.

  • How did you stop them?

  • Didn't have to.

  • Turns out I was in the wrong house.

  • My Justin shows absolutely no interest in the dupey.

  • I'm with him.

  • I don't know what people see in these things.

  • Justin only watches educational television.

  • Psht. Yeah.

  • And I don't eat sugar right from the box

  • when you're not looking.

  • Give me the keys; I'll pull the car around.

  • I'll name you Billy and Eric,

  • and I think you look like a Sebastian.

  • Hey, Alice, have you seen the sales report?

  • The dupeys are a huge sensation.

  • It just proves people will buy anything.

  • [DUPEYS CHATTERING]

  • What was that?

  • I didn't hear any dupeys.

  • Would you excuse me? I have work to do.

  • [SUSPICIOUSLY]: Okay.

  • She's coming this way.

  • You might as well go home right now, my friend.

  • She is all mine.

  • Oh, yeah? What do you got?

  • Huh... is that it?

  • Read 'em and weep.

  • A dupey?

  • I can't compete with that.

  • Can I have these?

  • Sure. Okay.

  • She took mine first.

  • RADIO ANNOUNCER: Top news story--

  • the dupey doll has become an international sensation.

  • Oh, yeah.

  • All this

  • despite reports that some dupeys

  • are evolving from their original cute form...

  • Evolving?

  • ...into something hideous

  • that could destroy the planet within the week.

  • Destroy the planet?

  • And now, some celebrity birthdays

  • brought to you by the dupey.

  • music By any criteria music

  • music We are superior music

  • music We are the dupeys music

  • That's our show for today, kids.

  • If you'd like a copy of our transcript,

  • we'll transmit it

  • directly into your head using telepathy.

  • And remember,

  • if your parents don't buy you a dupey every week...

  • ALL: They're only pretending to love you!

  • Hello... Mom?

  • Have you mailed me anything recently?

  • Dupey? Dupey, we need to talk.

  • Dupey?

  • [GASPS]

  • And so, you see

  • we have evolved into a higher form of life.

  • Uh... higher than who?

  • Not counting you, Dogbert.

  • Apology accepted.

  • I can't help noticing you've lost one quality.

  • We are no longer, as you say, "cute."

  • Whoo! I'm the cutest one

  • in the family again!

  • music Kum-bah-yah My Lord music

  • music Kum-bah-yah... music

  • Ka-bang!

  • All right, I'll shut up now.

  • We have evolved beyond the need for cuteness.

  • It has no role in an advanced species.

  • Hello, gorgeous.

  • Do you mind if I use the reflection

  • from your head as a mirror?

  • I'm in the door.

  • What's in the bag?

  • Is that one of those cute little dupeys?

  • They come for the reflection, but they stay for the dupey.

  • Ah!

  • Oh! Oh!

  • Your reaction was TO THE DUPEY, RIGHT?

  • DUPEYS: Help! Open the door!

  • Help! Help! Help!

  • Open the door!

  • Help! Help! Help!

  • So this is what happens

  • when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long.

  • We are not huge flies.

  • We are an advanced form of life.

  • You have freed us from the drawer.

  • To reward you, we will use our advanced intellect

  • to benefit mankind.

  • What is it your species needs most?

  • I can't think of anything.

  • Perhaps we could tell you how to cure a terrible disease.

  • No, I'm good.

  • Maybe you would like a perpetual, clean fuel source.

  • Don't need it.

  • I use gasoline.

  • Have you heard of it?

  • Ken is here from marketing

  • to tell us how the sales of dupeys are going.

  • I'm afraid it's bad news.

  • Ahh... ahh... ahh...

  • Oh...

  • I've worked here a long time...

  • Ahh...

  • Ahh...

  • Ahh...

  • And I've never seen

  • anything go from good to bad

  • so quickly.

  • [SNEEZES]

  • Maybe I'll tell you the dupey status myself.

  • They evolved into hideous insects,

  • and sales are in the crapper.

  • They're not insects.

  • They're a superior form of life.

  • Superior?

  • They don't even look cute anymore.

  • There's more to being superior

  • than just being cute, you know?

  • You're preaching to the choir.

  • They can teach us so much--

  • science, technology, medicine.

  • They're not cute anymore!

  • No, they're not cute, Loud Howard,

  • but they are so much more now.

  • They have transcended our limited levels of awareness

  • and become the next logical, evolutionary step.

  • And they're delicious with teriyaki sauce.

  • What?

  • Yes.

  • We're very excited.

  • Our studies show that the dupeys

  • are dupelicious.

  • We're relaunching the dupey product line

  • next week as a pizza topping.

  • You can't do that.

  • The dupeys are sentient beings.

  • If, by "sentient," you mean good eating

  • I think we're on the same page.

  • I know how it feels to create a new species

  • only to have someone come along later and eat it.

  • You do?

  • I don't talk about it much.

  • I can't let the dupeys become pizza topping.

  • I have to do something.

  • Why? You stood idly by

  • while it happened to pineapples.

  • Pineapples are different.

  • They're not alive.

  • Well, they're alive,

  • but they aren't intelligent.

  • They're smarter than bananas.

  • It's all relative.

  • What are you saying?

  • It's arbitrary.

  • Who's your pet?

  • Who's your food?

  • Who's your insurance salesman?

  • We have reasons for those distinctions.

  • Yes, but not good reasons.

  • How do I convince people

  • The dupeys aren't food?

  • Teach the dupeys to sell insurance.

  • That's not the best advice

  • you've ever given.

  • They can't all be winners.

  • I do not wish to be a pizza topping.

  • I'm trying to figure out

  • how to save you and your people.

  • Have I mentioned that I'm a superior life-form?

  • About once a minute, since you got wings.

  • It never gets old.

  • Look, I can save you.

  • You'll just have to hide in the house with me.

  • I... I just don't know about the others.

  • You have raised me, and I am grateful,

  • but I am A DUPEY.

  • I must be with other dupeys.

  • It is time for me to leave the nest.

  • You can't leave.

  • If someone gets a bun around you, you're dead.

  • That is a risk I must take.

  • You did your best,

  • and I will always love you for that,

  • but you cannot protect me forever.

  • Dupey!

  • Goodbye.

  • Don't ever leave.

  • This room?

  • Never mind.

  • The moment's gone.

  • Stupid fruit!

  • Best three out of five!

  • Let me ask you a hypothetical question.

  • Would you eat an insurance salesman?

  • I did that once.

  • It was part of a fraternity hazing.

  • Okay, bad example.

  • I just realized I don't know what "hypothetical" means.

  • DILBERT: My goal is to create an anti-dupey-eating campaign.

  • Okay, how about, "This is your brain.

  • This is your brain after eating a dupey"?

  • That doesn't even make sense.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • You don't understand the creative process.

  • You stole that slogan from the anti-drug campaign.

  • Okay, maybe you do UNDERSTAND THE CREATIVE PROCESS.

  • How about, "Dupeys:

  • they're like little insurance salesmen with wings"?

  • No, too overdone.

  • Overdone?

  • How about: "Dupeys:

  • they're like little insurance salesmen with wings!"?

  • Much better.

  • Since we converted the dupeys to a food item,

  • worldwide sales have leveled out at zero.

  • We're calling it a success because...

  • that's just what we do.

  • Gee, I wonder why

  • no one wants to eat the dupeys.

  • Maybe it has something to do

  • with that brilliant, new anti-dupey-eating campaign.

  • No, it wasn't that.

  • Our research tells us

  • no one wants to eat huge, talking insects

  • that beg for their lives.

  • Not intuitive.

  • But the anti-dupey-eating ad campaign

  • helped a little too.

  • No!

  • Anyway, we shipped our entire dupey inventory

  • to the landfill,

  • where they will be

  • pecked to death by seagulls.

  • Do we call that a success too?

  • You can't just throw the dupeys away.

  • They're a superior form of life.

  • They're not cute anymore!

  • Deja vu!

  • Do you know where the landfill is?

  • This might seem odd to you, but I do.

  • Get in.

  • We'll need reinforcements.

  • The landfill has a rule

  • that you can't take anything back.

  • They never bend.

  • Dogbert, meet us at the landfill.

  • Bring help.

  • It looks like you've got an empty truck there.

  • You know the rules--

  • no pickups, only drop-offs.

  • I'm here to save an advanced species

  • from being pecked to death by seagulls.

  • If I made an exception for you,

  • everyone would be coming in here

  • and taking home garbage.

  • The whole system would break down.

  • Please, just this once.

  • We promise we won't touch any of the good stuff.

  • Who told you there's good stuff in there?

  • Ready spoon.

  • Commence dining.

  • [HONKS HORN]

  • Dupey, am I too late?

  • We tried our energy blasts,

  • but they just kept coming.

  • It's okay now.

  • You can come home.

  • You'll be all right.

  • We can't go back.

  • Somehow, we have been branded

  • as insurance salesmen.

  • Ahem. We will never be respected

  • on this world.

  • Oh. I can explain that.

  • We must leave this place.

  • The dupeys must escape the bigotry

  • and random seagull attacks

  • that characterize this world.

  • You understand?

  • Unfortunately, I do.

  • Goodbye.

  • Goodbye.

  • I see you eyeing those melon rinds!

  • Those are my MELON RINDS!

  • Don't even think BOUT THOSE MELON RINDS!

  • I got dibs on the rinds! You hear me?

  • The house seems so empty now.

  • Have you noticed that I exist?

  • Yes, but I don't miss you because you're always here.

  • That is the nicest compliment

  • I have ever heard.

  • Dupey, is that you?

  • Where are you?

  • I can't reveal our new location for security reasons.

  • I understand.

  • We have found a new home

  • where our advanced intellect is appreciated

  • and physical appearance is not important.

  • I didn't realize there was such a place.

  • I must go now.

  • We have a code review meeting.

  • [music]

I didn't know you ate here.

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