I don't. I just come here to yell at the employees.

Your milkshake, sir.

That'll be $1.89.

Your sign says $1.98.

What kind of a rip-off joint is this?

Oh, I am so sorry.

You're right.

Now I don't even want it.

You can keep your milkshake.

Have a nice day.

Huh!

See you back at the office.

Have a nice day.

Would you like a free dupey with that?

I don't know what a dupey is,

but if it's free, I'll take one.

I'm sorry, we don't have any.

[GROANS]

I'm not going to hit you.

You can if you want.

Everyone does.

What exactly is a dupey anyway?

I have no idea, sir, but they're very popular.

Oh, they're the cutest things,

although they don't even exist yet.

I'm trying to collect the whole set.

They don't exist?

Why are you asking me

if I want something that doesn't even exist?

That's the idea.

I don't know, sir.

I just work here.

Ow... thank you.

Have a nice day.

[EXPLOSION]

[music]

[CHANTING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Ratbert, can you tell me

why strange babies are in my kitchen?

No. I'm operating on a need-to-know basis.

Spoons loaded.

Commence dining.

It's hard to get mad.

They're so cute.

That's what I've been telling you.

Use your cuteness.

It is your most powerful weapon.

You think you should be teaching babies this sort of thing?

No, you can't start too early.

I've been working with most of these kids

since they were in the womb.

What do their parents think of this?

Oh, they think they're at the park.

The nannies are on the payroll.

Don't you think they have a right to know?

Why? Because they're older?

That's so arbitrary.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Next week, I'll teach you

how to kick the seat in front of you

for the entire length of the movie.

Then I have a special clinic

on making all the candy in the jar yours

via the miracle of slobbering.

I invited Ann from marketing

to tell us a little about our newest advertising campaign.

Ah... ah...

Uh-oh.

Sneeze coming!

Ah... ah...

Fire in the hole!

Ah... ah...

I think everyone might be

overreacting...

[SNEEZES]

Gesundheit.

Watch me get blamed for that!

Maybe I'll just tell you

about the marketing campaign myself.

I've got a little surprise for you.

Uh-oh.

I don't like surprises.

Nothing good can come from this.

My desire for spontaneity

has not been ground into dust yet.

I still like a surprise.

Is it a ceramic porpoise,

or possibly some sort of tossed salad in a blanket?

Come on, those aren't even good guesses.

Oh, please, show us and make my tingling stop.

Look, it's a dupey.

Isn't it cute?

Isn't it cute?

Well, isn't it?

It's your hand.

That's because the freaking dupey doesn't exist.

Yet, our marketing department

has been advertising it for months.

You mean our company is supposed to be making the dupey?

We're not even a toy company.

Why didn't someone in marketing come to us sooner?

Dilbert, you're in charge of building the dupey.

Just make it cute.

Very, very cute.

There are more important things than cuteness, you know?

Ah... ah...

Hold it.

There's still time to invite someone else from marketing.

Oh, my word!

Dilbert, cut the cord.

Me? I don't think so.

You really think I should? Maybe...

Just cut the cord!

[CRYING LIKE A BABY]

Congratulations. It's a fad.

DOGBERT: Remember, kids,

if your parents feel guilty, they are GUILTY.

Hey, look what I brought home.

It's a...

[YELLS]

Now I'm not the cutest one in the family anymore.

[CRYING]: Oh, God.

[INFANT CRYING]

What's wrong?

[CRYING STOPS]

Must be a loose connection.

[CRYING]

Now, come on...

I can't do this all night.

This is not the way you've been programmed.

I'm sure you're fine.

This is just a minor malfunction.

Now, stop it.

Stop it.

[CRYING STOPS]

[CRYING]

[CRYING STOPS]

[GROANS]

I'm sorry I'm late.

The dupey kept me up again last night.

It is very innovative

to blame a toy for your shortcomings.

Surely, this method will spread like wildfire.

I'm not really lazy.

I blame that damn dupey.

Sometimes, the dupey makes my hair look too big.

I'm not loud!

I'm not making this up.

The dupey's malfunctioning at night,

and I don't know why.

Sounds familiar.

I remember when I'd be trying to sleep,

and the little tikes

would be crying all night in the next room.

How did you stop them?

Didn't have to.

Turns out I was in the wrong house.

My Justin shows absolutely no interest in the dupey.

I'm with him.

I don't know what people see in these things.

Justin only watches educational television.

Psht. Yeah.

And I don't eat sugar right from the box

when you're not looking.

Give me the keys; I'll pull the car around.

I'll name you Billy and Eric,

and I think you look like a Sebastian.

Hey, Alice, have you seen the sales report?

The dupeys are a huge sensation.

It just proves people will buy anything.

[DUPEYS CHATTERING]

What was that?

I didn't hear any dupeys.

Would you excuse me? I have work to do.

[SUSPICIOUSLY]: Okay.

She's coming this way.

You might as well go home right now, my friend.