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  • 7 OF 9: Get out of bed.

  • Resistance is futile.

  • Wake up and assimilate the day.

  • Get out of bed.

  • Resistance is futile.

  • Wake up and assimilate the day.

  • I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jeri Ryan.

  • That too is futile.

  • Okay, that's enough out of you.

  • Do not touch me.

  • Then how do I turn you off?

  • Believe me, I am plenty turned off right now.

  • Clock tease.

  • [GRUNTING]

  • Whoa!

  • Dogbert, why are you trying to kill the mailman?

  • I'm just seeing how much he can carry.

  • He's up to seven times his own weight.

  • Neither rain nor sleet nor...

  • Oh, the hell with that... help!

  • I'd put an end to this cruel game

  • except we're saving a fortune on heating bills.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [CHANTING]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • What makes these gift catalogs?

  • Doesn't anything qualify as a gift

  • if you give it to someone?

  • I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't

  • in a million years buy for yourself.

  • If you wouldn't buy it for yourself,

  • then who needs someone to buy it for you?

  • It's the thought that counts.

  • On that same topic, it's your mother's birthday next week.

  • Oh, no, not again.

  • So soon?

  • It seems like only a year ago

  • I was giving her something she hates.

  • Help! I can't swim!

  • You're not going to drown.

  • You're just covered with catalogs.

  • Then, uh, help! I can't read!

  • Why don't you get your mom something from the mall?

  • No!

  • Oh, yes, I forgot.

  • The unspeakable event from your youth.

  • Don't you think it's time you got over that?

  • I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom

  • without leaving this couch.

  • Today, we'll be featuring our special line of moonconium gems,

  • as black and sooty as real moon rocks.

  • Plus, they're guaranteed for three months.

  • Moonconium?

  • But first,

  • the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment,

  • straight from the tattered remains

  • of the cash-desperate former K.G.B.

  • Hand me the phone.

  • My mother does not want spy gear for her birthday.

  • It's not for HER; IT'S TO USE ON her.

  • We'll find out exactly what she wants.

  • It's wrong.

  • But I would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment.

  • This is insane.

  • Wait, target in motion.

  • She's headed for the den.

  • MOTHER: Yes, officer, there's two of them.

  • A big one and a small one.

  • I don't know what they're doing,

  • but they've been out there for hours.

  • I think they might be aiming some kind of ray at my house.

  • [OFFICER SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

  • I suppose they could be terrorists

  • now that you mention it.

  • Or maybe our own people.

  • I've written some strong letters to the fed

  • about monetary policy.

  • All right, I think we've gathered enough intelligence.

  • Stop and we'll shoot!

  • Stop and WE'LL SHOOT?

  • If you're going to shoot why should we stop?

  • Well, it would be a lot easier for us.

  • The targets at the shooting range don't run.

  • Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

  • That if I get a head start running,

  • your body will shield me from the spray of bullets?

  • Hold your fire. They're running.

  • Asok, could you clean that up?

  • Uh! I am an engineering intern, not a coffee cleaner-upper.

  • Alice, could you clean up the coffee spill?

  • Our intern has suddenly discovered dignity.

  • Sure. No problem.

  • I don't mind.

  • See? She doesn't have a...

  • There you go.

  • Why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate?

  • No, I got her cash last year.

  • She said it was insulting.

  • A gift certificate is completely different from cash.

  • No, it's not.

  • They're both pieces of paper you can exchange

  • for goods and services.

  • You're missing the point.

  • Actually, a gift certificate is worse than cash,

  • because you can only use it in one place.

  • And it expires.

  • At least it shows some thought.

  • It shows defective thought.

  • You're trading perfectly good money

  • for something that does the same thing,

  • only not as well.

  • Oh, one other thing, Dilbert.

  • Shut up.

  • Why do you not go to the mall of shopping?

  • Yeah, Dilbert, why don't you just get her something

  • at the mall?

  • Dilbert, you okay?

  • [PANTS]

  • I'm totally fine.

  • What are you accusing me of?

  • Everyone's afraid of something.

  • I don't want to talk about it.

  • Well, back to work.

  • You know, if we try to get to the bottom of this,

  • it could kill the whole morning.

  • And yet it would look exactly like work

  • to the casual observer.

  • I'm in.

  • Come on, Dilbert, it's me, your old pal.

  • What's the point of an office friendship

  • if you don't expose each other's weaknesses

  • and then ridicule them?

  • He's right, Dilbert.

  • All most of us have to get us through the day

  • is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else.

  • Fine. Fine!

  • I'll tell you why I'm... uncomfortable going to the mall.

  • It all happened when I was five years old.

  • My father took me to the mall for the first time.

  • Daddy, I think those machines are calling me.

  • Ooh... ooh! Ooh.

  • When we get home I'll see if there's

  • some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit,

  • but right now we need to buy your mother a birthday gift.

  • DADBERT: All you can eat.

  • All you can eat.

  • We'll see about that.

  • Oh... ooh... oh...

  • Daddy?

  • Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

  • What's the matter, little boy?

  • Are you lost?

  • Where are your parents?

  • Did they leave you all alone?

  • No, no my father's over...

  • Where? What does he look like?

  • He-he looks big and, uh, he's got a hat, he's... Daddy?

  • Daddy?

  • Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

  • [PANTS]

  • And I never saw my father again.

  • [SOBBING]

  • [SOBBING LOUDLY]

  • I will take you to the mall, Dilbert.

  • I will help you find your father,

  • and I will buy some batteries while I'm there.

  • Wally, this is so unlike you.

  • Why are you offering to help me?

  • I'm out of batteries.

  • It just came in the mail.

  • It's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the...

  • Other one.

  • I was going to say other one.

  • You boys from marketing have done it again.

  • You're like the three...

  • Guys from marketing who bring us things like this.

  • Does it get HBO?

  • According to the directions

  • you just strap it on some sucker's head,