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  • Do I have to wear this?

  • Yes, Ratbert.

  • It's a Dogbert Day tradition.

  • Everyone must wear

  • the uncomfortable festive headgear

  • Except me.

  • I think a fruit fly just went up my nostril.

  • [SNEEZES]

  • Do you mind?

  • I'm trying to watch the pine cone celebration parade.

  • Why don't you watch it in person?

  • Then I wouldn't get to hear the commentary.

  • FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Look, Phil

  • it's another one of those big things.

  • What are they called?

  • I think that is called a float

  • and the name originated right here in Seattle, yeah.

  • Hmm, they got further last year.

  • I forget.

  • Is Dogbert Day a national holiday?

  • Well, right now, it's confined to this room

  • but I'm trying to take it national.

  • I have a meeting with congress tomorrow.

  • How do you GET A MEETING WITH CONGRESS?

  • I said I was a lobbyist for the A.P.W.D.B.U.D.

  • The Association of People Who Drink Beer and Use Dynamite?

  • Exactly

  • Congress is trying to squelch their freedom of speech.

  • Freedom of speech?

  • What exactly are People Who Drink Beer

  • and Use Dynamite trying to say?

  • Uh, usually it's something like

  • "I'm sorry about what happened to your mobile home, Bobby Joe,"

  • but it's not what they say, it's their right to say it.

  • It is? Not really.

  • It's just an excuse to talk to congress

  • so I can push my idea for a national Dogbert Day.

  • We'll return to the pine cone celebration

  • after the body count.

  • Now, we join BABE GETS WHAT'S COMING TO HIM

  • already in progress.

  • How does one celebrate Dogbert Day

  • aside from wearing uncomfortable hats?

  • Ratbert?

  • [CLEARS THROAT]

  • On Dogbert Day, any child who has been good all year

  • gets to shoplift for an hour.

  • I think good behavior should be rewarded.

  • The traditional Dogbert Day feast is the bald eagle.

  • I wanted something special.

  • The traditional music of Dogbert Day

  • is a drum solo played on your own skull with spoons.

  • Do you think anyone will catch on to the fact

  • that the entire Dogbert Day holiday is designed

  • for the sole purpose of being annoying?

  • No one caught on when I invented National Secretary's Day.

  • I wondered who came up with that.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Hey! You broke my window.

  • It was already like that.

  • What are you talking about?

  • I watched you do it.

  • Well, it looks like we have

  • one of those he-said, she-said situations.

  • I also have it on videotape.

  • So, it's a he-said, she-said, grainy video situation.

  • I'll have fingerprints and DNA in a second.

  • You got quite a list of priors here, Dick.

  • Now it's going to be awkward

  • every time I see him in the hallway.

  • Sign the Secretary's Day Card for Carol

  • and route it around.

  • Have you every wondered

  • who came up with Secretary's Day?

  • Who comes up with any of this garbage?

  • Here, I've got a card for Jennifer's wedding,

  • a congratulations card for Mike's baby,

  • three birthdays and a gender-change operation card

  • that says, "Get well" and then on the inside it says, "Hung."

  • Cute.

  • I signed those already.

  • Here.

  • Whoa, nice try, but I already signed it.

  • You know the rules.

  • You have to find the next person on the routing slip.

  • All right, all right.

  • [GROANS]

  • Let the hunt begin.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • I hate holidays.

  • Hey, Dick, old buddy,

  • it's your turn to sign this Secretary's Day card.

  • There you are, Dilbert.

  • The meeting's just starting.

  • [SHOUTING] Can we go now?!

  • Now, now, Loud Howard

  • I know we're all anxious to start the long weekend

  • and get on with our vacation plans.

  • What long weekend?

  • There isn't a holiday for two weeks.

  • I think that's what makes it long.

  • Shut up, Dilbert.

  • You're keeping me off the slopes.

  • Be sure to ski near the trees.

  • It's more fun that way.

  • Can we go now?!

  • No, Howard, we have to start the meeting.

  • Hey, a sports bra.

  • Can I have that?

  • So, you're letting them play sports now?

  • [GROANS]

  • That's the same sound made by the mongoose

  • before it swallows its prey, the rhinoceros.

  • Sometimes it takes months for a mongoose to digest

  • one of those beautiful creatures.

  • It's quite a sight.

  • You know, that's the best time to bag a rhino.

  • They can't see you coming once they're inside the mongoose.

  • A mongoose is the size of a cat.

  • And they hibernate.

  • Did you know that?

  • Can we go now?!

  • No.

  • Not quite yet

  • though, for the life of me, I'm not sure why.

  • Does anyone know why I called this meeting?

  • Anybody?

  • I'm asking for volunteers.

  • I have something to say.

  • [GROUP GROANING]

  • We have too many holidays.

  • We have more holidays than days

  • and if we're not celebrating a holiday

  • we're either planning for the next one

  • or we're recovering from the last one.

  • We spend all our time giving cards to people we don't know

  • decorating cakes for people we don't care about

  • or buying presents for people we don't even like enough

  • to have as friends outside of work.

  • That reminds me-- Thanks for the cufflinks.

  • Oh, you're welcome.

  • It seems that someone invents a new holiday every day--

  • Holidays that don't make sense

  • for reasons that we don't understand.

  • It's made all holidays meaningless.

  • I've always loved groundhog day.

  • Those little guys are so cute

  • before you shoot them.

  • Is there some point here?

  • Yes.

  • The reason we can't get any work done around here

  • is because we don't have any non-holiday days.

  • So... you think we should work nights instead.

  • Can we go now?!

  • I am totally preoccupied with my upcoming vacation.

  • No point in fighting it.

  • Meeting dismiss--

  • Boys, you ought to get out there

  • live a little.

  • If you need me, I'm reachable in Africa.

  • Just call Africa and ask for me.

  • I told them to expect your call.

  • [AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

  • How come you didn't leave with the rest of them, Asok?

  • On my salary, I can only afford to take vacations

  • within the building itself.

  • This year, I have saved up enough money

  • to spend five days in the handicapped toilet

  • of the fifth floor gentlemen's bathroom.

  • It is part of a restroom-hostel program.

  • So I guess it's just you and me at work tomorrow.

  • No, just you.

  • My vacation commences in 10 minutes

  • but feel free to visit me.

  • There is always room for guests.

  • Should I bring anything?

  • Potato salad would be nice.

  • They move the holiday to a Monday

  • so it's a three-day holiday.

  • Then they want to leave on Friday,

  • to take full advantage of it

  • but everyone's leaving on Friday

  • and everyone wants to beat the traffic

  • so they leave on Thursday.

  • And if you're leaving on Thursday

  • why not Wednesday night?

  • And you can't come back on Monday.

  • That's still a holiday.

  • And you can't come back on Tuesday

  • because everybody comes back on Tuesday

  • so you outsmart everybody and come back on Wednesday.

  • So, now, you're leaving on Wednesday

  • and coming back on Wednesday

  • And suddenly, a one-day holiday is now a week!

  • Well, I guess I'll call it a day.

  • WOMAN ON RADIO: This secretary's day

  • show your assistant how valuable he is

  • by ordering him

  • to buy flowers for himself at Honeybee Florist.

  • MAN: And don't forget--

  • Tomorrow, the entire city will be closed down

  • for the Priapism Awareness Parade.

  • [SIGHS] I'm being holidayed to death.

  • I can't work; I can't listen to music;

  • I can't use the highway.

  • Our regularly scheduled program,

  • "Dr. Lorna Calls You a Moron," won't be aired today

  • because Dr. Lorna went on holiday without telling anyone.

  • In her place, we bring you

  • the senate subcommittee hearings on... oh, something.

  • SENATOR: I, uh, yield my time to the distinguished senator

  • from one of those states that, uh...

  • don't deserve roads and schools.

  • [HEAVILY-ACCENTED INDISTINGUISHABLE SPEECH]

  • I don't know if the rest of you heard it

  • but I think he just confessed to being a communist.

  • [HEAVILY-ACCENTED INDISTINGUISHABLE SPEECH]

  • I yield the senator's time to myself.

  • You can't do that.

  • It's against the rules.

  • All in favor of changing the rules

  • and just maybe getting

  • a huge soft money campaign contribution in return

  • say "aye."

  • [ALL SAYING AYE]

  • That's better.

  • Now, I'd like you all to sign a bill

  • making Dogbert Day a national holiday

  • and canceling all other holidays.

  • I thought you said you were a lobbyist

  • for the Association of Beer- Drinking Dynamite Users.

  • Now, that I SUPPORT.

  • I don't know about this holiday thing.

  • It's a package deal.

  • I added the Dogbert Day bill as a rider

  • to the Beer-Drinking and Dynamite Freedom Bill.

  • Does anyone have a match?

  • Here you go, son.

  • If this sort of thing ever gets outlawed

  • it'll be a slippery slope.

  • Thanks.

  • I make a motion that we vote on the national Dogbert Day bill.

  • I fail to see how eliminating all the other holidays

  • Is good for Rhode Island.

  • I, for one, would miss all the fireworks

  • and the Easter bunnies and the New Year's Eve parties

  • where I get drunk and depressed

  • and do things I don't remember, but always regret.

  • I propose an amendment that would add

  • all of the holiday traditions to Dogbert Day.

  • Dogbert Day would have cheap, tacky gifts

  • dangerous fireworks, visits from unpleasant relatives

  • corny parades, bad barbecues-- you name it.

  • Hmm, that sounds like it would be complicated

  • and incredibly frustrating for everyone.

  • I'm all for it.

  • You have my full support.

  • Down with big government!

  • All in favor, say "aye."

  • [ALL SAYING AYE]

  • Next on 40/40

  • we talk to Dogbert

  • who convinced congress to cancel all holidays

  • in favor of one holiday-- Dogbert Day.

  • We'll also hear from his critics.

  • Dogbert, in your own words

  • what motivated you to create Dogbert Day?

  • I think it stems from my religious belief

  • that everyone exists for the sole purpose of entertaining me.

  • Dogbert, ya little devil!

  • I hope you rot in hell!

  • You put us all out of business!

  • There's a perfect example.

  • There ain't no pot of gold at the end of your rainbow!

  • There's a pot of crap!

  • You've ruined me!

  • I've got a whole workshop full of starving reindeer

  • and I don't know where half of my elves have gone.

  • [BURPING]

  • No!

  • Where am I going to get work now?

  • I'm a specialist.

  • [GROANS AND FARTS]

  • No, gross.

  • Up yours, cupid.

  • Give that back!

  • Lay off, cotton ass!

  • [ALL YELLING]

  • Whoa.

  • I haven't got a pot to...

  • [GROANS]

  • [YELLING]

  • It's always a bit tense

  • around the Dogbert Day holiday.

  • Dogbert Day's always been my favorite holiday--

  • Yeah, the virgin sacrifice,

  • the senseless slaughter of endangered species.

  • Oh, I remember,

  • you know, when I was a child

  • the first time my dad gave me

  • the jewel- encrusted dagger

  • to plunge into the heart of the young virgin.

  • Her name was June, I think.

  • At one time, we talked of marriage

  • but once she was dead

  • we rarely spoke of it anymore.

  • It's funny how life works out.

  • Um, just a minor point of clarification:

  • Dogbert Day is a brand-new holiday.

  • It's never been celebrated before.

  • Well, Christmas had its scrooge

  • and now, Dogbert Day has its Dilbert.

  • Got to go.

  • Got to do my Dogbert Day shopping... ooh!

  • You'll never guess what I got you.

  • Never, go ahead, guess.

  • I don't know.

  • I'll give you a hint.

  • It's made of paper and it tells a story.

  • I don't know. A book?

  • Well, I hope you're happy.

  • You've ruined your own surprise.

  • And what would you like for Dogbert Day, little lady?

  • You're not Dogbert!

  • No, but I'm one of his many bitter

  • and underpaid helpers.

  • What?

  • You tell me what you want,

  • and I'll make sure you get it.

  • Just give me your address

  • and leave the door to your house unlocked tonight.

  • Help! No!

  • Hey, no cutting in line.

  • I'm not cutting in line. I was here.

  • You were supposed to save my place.

  • I don't know you.

  • Oh, thanks.

  • Do you mind if I stand behind you?

  • Sure.

  • Hey, no cutting in line.

  • It's okay. He said I could stand behind him.

  • He can't give permission to stand behind him.

  • In fact, the case law is very ambiguous

  • about people you let in front of you.

  • Calm down, fella.

  • Where is your Dogbert spirit?

  • Good question. Maybe I'll call the manager.

  • [LAUGHING] What manager?

  • There's no manager.

  • People always think there's a manager--

  • Some magic manager who's going to put things right.

  • Well, there's not!

  • Whoo.

  • Hey. What?

  • No cutting in line.

  • I was here.

  • How could you be here? I was here.

  • I don't think so. Was he here?

  • I don't know.

  • Looks like it's your word against his.

  • I am not letting this happen.

  • Huh, you lost your place.

  • I didn't. I...

  • Back of the line, buddy.

  • Hey, don't forget your gift.

  • I'm blind!

  • I can't see!

  • Are you getting out?

  • FEMALE ANNOUNCER: I think this is

  • the best Dogbert Day parade we've ever covered.

  • Hey, just a little trivia.

  • Did you know that those huge balloons are filled

  • with balsa wood?

  • I thought it was helium.

  • [LAUGHING] Well, aren't you a piece of work?

  • [LAUGHING]

  • Alice, can you pick up the pace?

  • I want people to see what I look like with my ears blown back.

  • ASOK: Mmm. That is excellent potato salad.

  • I have never had better.

  • It's the dill pickles.

  • Do not leave here without giving me that recipe.

  • Asok, can I ask you a question?

  • Ask away.

  • I am on vacation and have all the time in the world.

  • What I'm wondering is: how can you be so happy?

  • Why wouldn't I be happy?

  • Well, you're an intern who earns so little

  • you have to take your vacation in the restroom.

  • That is true.

  • And no one give you any respect whatsoever.

  • Oh! You got me again.

  • And your family is in India.

  • You have to spend the Dogbert Day holiday without them,

  • not that they're missing much.

  • It's the most meaningless holiday ever invented.

  • What time is it, my friend?

  • It's 4:45.

  • That means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at my parents home in India.

  • They will be awakening soon.

  • In a few minutes, as they have every day since I was born

  • they will wake up and think of me.

  • I will be in their thoughts all day.

  • Do you think of them all day, too?

  • No, I am often caught up

  • in the hustle and bustle of cubicle life.

  • Sometimes, I need a reminder.

  • Sometimes, I need a Dogbert Day.

  • We're stuck now.

  • Nothing to do but wait.

  • Ramming speed.

  • Well, it's not my fault.

  • I'm just the drummer.

  • It appears that Dogbert's float is attacking

  • the smaller, crippled float.

  • And Dogbert has never looked finer.

  • His cape and crown were designed by Allefonzo.

  • Ooh.

  • I didn't think you'd have time to stop by today.

  • I wouldn't forget my own mother on Dogbert Day.

  • The Dogbert float has now crushed floats

  • From the PTA, the joie de vie FRENCH CLUB

  • and the Senior Citizen Republican Party.

  • But I think we'd all agree

  • that Dogbert does looks better

  • with his ears blown back by the wind like that.

  • You know, I hate all the stuff

  • leading up to the holidays,

  • but I do like the holidays themselves.

  • It gets a little hectic

  • and a little commercial on the surface

  • and underneath that

  • it's all hollow and meaningless too,

  • but underneath that--

  • Yes, underneath all the layers of hollowness

  • and crassness and vulgarity and commercialism--

  • Underneath all that

  • there is a warmth and a spirit to the holiday season.

  • You're right.

  • Lord, help me!

  • [SCREAMING]

  • It's... so... cold.

  • You know, this is the best Dogbert Day ever.

  • They say the trick is to marinate it overnight.

  • That's what gives it the flavor.

  • Did you marinate this?

  • No. I just slapped it with a spatula

  • till it stopped trying to get away.

  • That's my own little trick.

  • You won't see that in any fancy cook book...

  • At least, I think you won't.

  • I haven't actually checked.

  • [music]

Do I have to wear this?

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