Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles [KNOCK AT DOOR] Hey, I know you. You live across the street. Oh, yeah? What's my name? Uh... I don't know. Right, so let's just keep this on a professional level. Okay. I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam. How many cartons should I put you down for? Will my money go to a good cause? Well, what do you consider a good cause? Feeding the poor? Our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe. It's in New York. I know where it is. Aren't both of your parents successful attorneys? [SIGHING] Is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way? Your family is rich. Why should I PAY FOR YOUR VACATION? [WHIMPERING] My troop leader said people are nice if you give them a chance. She said I would learn from this experience. [BAWLING] No, no. It's okay. Don't cry. [BAWLING CONTINUES] It's so unfair. First, your generation pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources. Now, this. Okay, okay, just calm down; I'll buy a box. [WHIMPERING] That'll be $80. Eighty dollars? For cookies? Okay, take my money. Go visit the Fashion Cafe. Maybe I'll buy a pony too. Shouldn't you write down my name or something? I don't like to leave a paper trail. BOTH: Thank you. You're welcome. What? You buckled under the pressure... wuss. I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life. I think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime. No, I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor. It feels good to give. Agh! That's ridiculous. I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give. You are on, my cynical friend. Okay. To settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good. That wouldn't FEEL GOOD. Okay, then give me $20 because you lost the bet. Did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not? Yes, but you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself. [EXPLOSION] [music] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] [BUZZING] This year, I have volunteered to chair the Associated Way charity drive for our county. I think you all know why. Is it because you need another plaque to cover a fly stain on your office wall? Yes, that, and something about poor people. I expect they'll send me some details in the mail. [SHOUTING] It's like you're a saint or something! No, Loud Howard, I'm no saint. I just believe that people should do their fair share or in the case where one of those people is the boss other people should do it for him. This is even more inspirational than last year. Now, in keeping with tradition three charity coordinators will be chosen from the list of our most useless employees. [CLEARS THROAT] Wally. Hey, top of the list four years in a row. Whoo-whoo. A dead guy we found in the stairwell, and the chair he's sitting in which we've named Ronald. Mmm. Tough competition. Congratulations. You will each be assigned an official Associated Way uniform and a donation container. Cool. Chicks dig a man in uniform. Everybody who donates will get one of these colorful stylish "I Get to Keep my Job" t-shirts. Of course, participation is completely 100% voluntary. Any questions? [ALL SHOUTING] Yeah, what about the carnival? The carnival. Please, please! Yes, yes, all right, youngsters. Settle down. We'll have the company charity carnival, okay? [ALL CHEERING] I hate that carnival. All the money raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival and it's based on the premise of cheap thrills and cheating-- Hardly charitable concepts. How dare you! How dare you denigrate the carnival! Shh! Shh! Dilbert, are you criticizing the carnival? I'm a god, and I rarely admit that. No, it's just that, uh... Well, okay. Exactly where does the money go? Well, there's the poor, who I keep going on about. And, of course, the plaques don't grow on trees. Isn't the plaque made of wood? So? Then it does grow on a tree. Why do you ask a question if you already know the answer? He's an arrogant bastard? Now listen, punk. If you think you can reinvent the wheel-- The Ferris wheel, that is-- then go right ahead... Carnival chairman Dilbert. Ha-harr! What just happened? So, Dilbert, how much can I put you down for? Here's 20 bucks. Now leave me alone until next year. Ooh, $20. I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you. You don't even know where the money goes. I don't know where pudding comes from, but I eat it. That is such a bad analogy. Thank you, Wally. Now I can never eat pudding again. Well, it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories. No matter what people say, Alice, looks ARE important. Alice, have you fulfilled your obligation to society? Yes. I signed up for payroll deduction. I like to give. I'm morally superior to Dilbert. That is so illogical. As long as there are starving people in the world you can't have money in the bank and still claim to be moral. There is ample precedent for my behavior. It is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford. You just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the same. That came out of my shoe budget. Don't rock the boat, Dilbert. It's a fragile system. That shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year. What's so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes? Stop it. You're ruining everything. I mean, until you give it all AWAY you're not more moral. You just feel less guilty. I don't agree. The concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context. I mean, the relative value of guilt in a so-called free society... I mean... Altruistic inclinations are dependent upon... I mean... Damn. You're right. I hate that. Hey, can you spare a few dollars for the Disabled Veterans of Retail Security? You don't look disabled to me. I've got prickly heat. Ed's just kind of slow. Which one of us is Ed? You're on my turf, fellas. Don't start with me! You wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill. Can you settle this outside? I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion. There's no such thing as perpetual motion. Not now, but if we collect enough money, someday... [ALL ARGUING] ALICE: Who should I make that out to? To the Society of Guys With Large Bellies Who Don't Have Satellite Dishes Yet. This will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see us. [BOTH LAUGHING] I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewer's guide-- that's extra. BOY: Morning, gov'nor. Would you help out a good cause and buy a candy bar? Only five dollars. How do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the...? What was the cause again? We're trying to find a cure for canine apathy. Canine apathy? By any chance, is your leader about two feet tall round glasses and a tail? DOGBERT: Okay, urchins, bring the money to the van. You seem a little short. No, sir. No, I would never... Do I have to run a full body-cavity search on you? Good. And put more dirt on your face. Dogbert. I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you yet. [LOUD, ANNOYING LAUGHING] Uh-oh. Chain reaction. [LOUD, ANNOYING LAUGHING] At least I'll get a few minutes of peace. Howdy there. [SCREAMS] My name is Foster from the organization of Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows. Why don't they just change jobs? How's a cow going to change jobs, city boy? Use your head. Go away. Leave me alone. [GASPS] Would you donate money to Women Who Cut Their Hair Too Short and Don't Realize How Bad It Looks? Money for Mountain Goats with Three Legs? Hey! You're hiding your leg. I can see it. Hey, mind your own business, buddy. I'm not a man. I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress. Did I miss anything? Okay, here, here. This is all I have. Everyone just leave me alone. Oh, Dilbert. I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the Associated Way banquet tomorrow night. Tell them how grateful I am. Do you think this could have waited until later? Don't mind me. I'll just wait. [WHISTLING] There I was in the NBA-- All-star forward multi-millionaire. Life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol. Actually, that part was pretty good too. I love DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. But I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire fortune. That's when the Associated Way helped me out. I got sober; I started my own business. Now I've got a beautiful wife great kids, a mistress a whole fleet of cars, mansions on both coasts and a Learjet, and best of all I haven't paid any taxes in years. [CHEERING] Thank you. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life.