Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles Hmm... hmm. Huh. According to my perpetual calendar program June 30 in the year 2014 will be a Thursday. Did you know that? If I say yes, will you not talk? No. This is kind of interesting. Guess what day of the week is the first day of the year 2222. Two-sday? No, but that would've been good, too. More importantly, which is better, Paris or Rome? Better? Paris. Which is better, Prague or Budapest? Why does it matter which is better? Prague. Which is better... What're you doing? I have to RSVP to my millennium parties. Millennium parties? Yes. Which is better, Hong Kong or Singapore? Wait a minute. Maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail. Oh, who cares? I never liked New Year's Eve anyway And this one's no different. Except that everyone on earth will be celebrating the end of the millennium. Well... everyone except you. I don't care! I will not be pressured into having fun just because we arbitrarily use a base ten counting system and a big round number is coming up. If I'm going to have fun, I want a good reason. Well said... so, which is better Lisbon or Istanbul? Oh, come on. I can't be the only person Not getting invitations to millennium parties. RATBERT: Which is better Tokyo or Munich? [EXPLOSION] [music] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] Do you guys have any party plans for New Years Eve, 1999? Oh, yeah, of course. Only a total loser would have no plans for the biggest night ever in our lifetime. What are you doing, Dilbert? Me? I, uh... I got plans. I'm planning to link up with my survivalist militia group and loot a National Guard ammunitions dump. Do you know something I don't? Hello? The millennium bug? When the date hits 2000, all computers will malfunction and the world will plunge into chaos. I don't want to be outgunned. We won't a have a year 2000 problem in this company. All of our computers are new. Not all. You're forgetting Black Betty. Black Betty. That mainframe was replaced years ago. Black Betty. Did you say Black Betty? Boy...I haven't thought about old Black Betty in ages-- Maybe never. But she's real. As real as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom at night and steals my underwear. About that mainframe... Not now. I'm reminiscing. Where was I? Black Betty. Yes, Black Betty the mainframe. Boy, oh, boy. We thought about replacing her years ago but then we thought "Well, why not just cobble our new systems "to the old one with untold miles of spaghetti code and obsolete coax cable?" Why'd you do that?! It was an executive decision. We figured it would save money in the short run and only later plunge the company into darkness after we executives had all left for other companies. But you're still here. Brinksmanship-- I live for it. You know how sometimes you're driving down the freeway and you pull into the oncoming lane intentionally only to swerve away at the last minute? That was you? You ran me off the road. Stared destiny right in the face. You could've killed me. Sorry. Anyway, which is better, Jakarta or Geneva? We have to do something about the millennium bug. The millennium bug? Are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here? That's the Millennium Falcon. I'm talking about the year 2000 problem: Y2K. Oh, yes, um... T3G. Pardon? [LAUGHS] B9C. "B9C"? Look, if our computer systems are all connected to Black Betty, some ancient mainframe-- Oh! Oh! E4J. This is fun. ...we're out of business when the date changes. You mean all the technology is going to... break? Yes! Is there any way this "collapse of civilization" thing could affect me, personally? I think it might. Okay, then. You have my full support to fix the problem. Unless it involves any sort of resources or decisions or effort on my part. Remember: Money is no object. Unless, of course, you plan to spend it. Me? Why is it up to me? Because you brought it up. You know the rules. He who complains is assigned to fix it. That only applies to little things. This could be the biggest project in our company's history. And I've never even seen that Black Betty mainframe. No one has, for years. It's quite splendiferous. You've seen it? I helped install it. Of course, that was years ago, before the life force was drained from my body and I became a selfish and apathetic shell of a man. Then you can help. I don't think you were listening. Besides, I don't even remember back then. You have to help, Wally. The career of every employee depends on it. If our mainframe goes nuts, we'll lose our payroll system. Our pension database. The personnel records. It will be as if we never even worked here. For me, every day is like that. You know what I mean. If we go down, you're going down with us. Shh, shh... Yes, I want the gold card, the silver card and the platinum card. Are there any other heavy metals that you make cards in? Okay, then. Send them out. Wally, what are you doing? Welcoming in the millennium. By ordering credit cards? That's right. I'm applying for every credit card I can get my hands on. Then I'll take huge cash advances and wait for the millennium bug to hose the banks' computers. They'll never be able to bill me. You would have made a great evil mastermind. No, the hours are too long. Alice, you got to help me on this year 2000 project. I need a team. I would, but I don't have time. I'm buried with work. Maybe you should come with me to see the director of Human Resources. He might have a company-sponsored program for time management. Asok, we need your help on the year 2000 project. I'd like to help, but I'm just an intern. I have no experience with computers made before the '90s. Come with us to see the director of Human Resources. Maybe he knows of some company-sponsored training you can take. Wally... Shh, I'm securing a home equity loan. But you don't own a home. I don't, but my good friend Bob does. Who's Bob? I'm Bob. Oh. Sheesh. But Wally, you're our best hope. You've got to help on the year 2000 problem. You were there. You know where the date code is on the old mainframe. I don't remember any of it. It was a long time ago. Yes, I'm holding. Come with us to see the director of Human Resources. Maybe he has some sort of company-sponsored program to regain lost memories. Aaah! MAN: Bob? Bob, are you there? Hello, Bob? Dogbert, I need you. Meet me at work. [WIZARD OF OZ -STYLE MUSIC PLAYING] What do you want? We came to see Mr. Catbert. What for? Well, I need 45 more people to help me on the year 2000 project. I need more time. I need experience. I need a memory. What about the dog? I'm perfect, but thanks for asking. Mr. Catbert is busy. Go away! We could shove Asok, the intern, through the opening and he can unlock the door from the other side. I could never fit in that tiny-- Oh... Note to self: Get smarter troll to guard door. We need your help. I can't help. Why not? It's a company policy. Aren't you the one who makes the company policies? Do I have a great job or what? If you don't help us we'll be stuck here and we'll never be able to go home. Dilbert, you don't need me. You have everything you need right here. Take Asok here. He has no experience. I am a blank slate. But what he doesn't realize is that cynicism is almost the same thing as experience. It is? Sure. Just try thinking the worst about people and you'll usually be right. I feel wiser already. And Alice. You need more time. But that's only because you spend so much time with your hair and makeup in the morning. That's a necessity. Only in your mind. You mean I'm beautiful just the way I am? CATBERT: No. I mean it's a lost cause. You should put that time to better use. DILBERT: What about Wally? He needs a memory. Wally doesn't need a real MEMORY. I don't? No. Recent court rulings have proven false memory is just as good as the real thing. Maybe better. How do I get one of those? Hypnosis will do the trick. I have some books right here. Let me see those.