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  • Hmm... hmm.

  • Huh. According to my perpetual calendar program

  • June 30 in the year 2014 will be a Thursday.

  • Did you know that?

  • If I say yes, will you not talk?

  • No. This is kind of interesting.

  • Guess what day of the week

  • is the first day of the year 2222.

  • Two-sday?

  • No, but that would've been good, too.

  • More importantly, which is better, Paris or Rome?

  • Better?

  • Paris.

  • Which is better, Prague or Budapest?

  • Why does it matter which is better?

  • Prague.

  • Which is better...

  • What're you doing?

  • I have to RSVP to my millennium parties.

  • Millennium parties?

  • Yes.

  • Which is better, Hong Kong or Singapore?

  • Wait a minute.

  • Maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail.

  • Oh, who cares?

  • I never liked New Year's Eve anyway

  • And this one's no different.

  • Except that everyone on earth will be

  • celebrating the end of the millennium.

  • Well... everyone except you.

  • I don't care!

  • I will not be pressured into having fun

  • just because we arbitrarily use a base ten counting system

  • and a big round number is coming up.

  • If I'm going to have fun, I want a good reason.

  • Well said... so, which is better

  • Lisbon or Istanbul?

  • Oh, come on. I can't be the only person

  • Not getting invitations to millennium parties.

  • RATBERT: Which is better

  • Tokyo or Munich?

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Do you guys have any party plans

  • for New Years Eve, 1999?

  • Oh, yeah, of course.

  • Only a total loser would have no plans

  • for the biggest night ever in our lifetime.

  • What are you doing, Dilbert?

  • Me?

  • I, uh...

  • I got plans.

  • I'm planning to link up

  • with my survivalist militia group

  • and loot a National Guard ammunitions dump.

  • Do you know something I don't?

  • Hello? The millennium bug?

  • When the date hits 2000, all computers will malfunction

  • and the world will plunge into chaos.

  • I don't want to be outgunned.

  • We won't a have a year 2000 problem

  • in this company.

  • All of our computers are new.

  • Not all. You're forgetting Black Betty.

  • Black Betty. That mainframe was replaced years ago.

  • Black Betty.

  • Did you say Black Betty?

  • Boy...I haven't thought about old Black Betty in ages--

  • Maybe never.

  • But she's real.

  • As real as the dwarf

  • who sneaks into my bedroom at night

  • and steals my underwear.

  • About that mainframe...

  • Not now. I'm reminiscing.

  • Where was I?

  • Black Betty.

  • Yes, Black Betty the mainframe.

  • Boy, oh, boy.

  • We thought about replacing her years ago

  • but then we thought

  • "Well, why not just cobble our new systems

  • "to the old one with untold miles of spaghetti code

  • and obsolete coax cable?"

  • Why'd you do that?!

  • It was an executive decision.

  • We figured it would save money in the short run

  • and only later plunge the company into darkness

  • after we executives had all left for other companies.

  • But you're still here.

  • Brinksmanship-- I live for it.

  • You know how sometimes you're driving down the freeway

  • and you pull into the oncoming lane intentionally

  • only to swerve away at the last minute?

  • That was you? You ran me off the road.

  • Stared destiny right in the face.

  • You could've killed me.

  • Sorry.

  • Anyway, which is better, Jakarta or Geneva?

  • We have to do something about the millennium bug.

  • The millennium bug?

  • Are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here?

  • That's the Millennium Falcon.

  • I'm talking about the year 2000 problem: Y2K.

  • Oh, yes, um...

  • T3G.

  • Pardon?

  • [LAUGHS] B9C.

  • "B9C"?

  • Look, if our computer systems are all connected

  • to Black Betty, some ancient mainframe--

  • Oh! Oh!

  • E4J. This is fun.

  • ...we're out of business when the date changes.

  • You mean all the technology is going to...

  • break?

  • Yes!

  • Is there any way this "collapse of civilization" thing

  • could affect me, personally?

  • I think it might.

  • Okay, then.

  • You have my full support to fix the problem.

  • Unless it involves any sort of resources

  • or decisions or effort on my part.

  • Remember: Money is no object.

  • Unless, of course, you plan to spend it.

  • Me? Why is it up to me?

  • Because you brought it up.

  • You know the rules.

  • He who complains is assigned to fix it.

  • That only applies to little things.

  • This could be the biggest project

  • in our company's history.

  • And I've never even seen that Black Betty mainframe.

  • No one has, for years.

  • It's quite splendiferous.

  • You've seen it?

  • I helped install it.

  • Of course, that was years ago,

  • before the life force was drained from my body

  • and I became a selfish and apathetic shell of a man.

  • Then you can help.

  • I don't think you were listening.

  • Besides, I don't even remember back then.

  • You have to help, Wally.

  • The career of every employee depends on it.

  • If our mainframe goes nuts,

  • we'll lose our payroll system.

  • Our pension database. The personnel records.

  • It will be as if we never even worked here.

  • For me, every day is like that.

  • You know what I mean.

  • If we go down, you're going down with us.

  • Shh, shh...

  • Yes, I want the gold card, the silver card

  • and the platinum card.

  • Are there any other heavy metals that you make cards in?

  • Okay, then. Send them out.

  • Wally, what are you doing?

  • Welcoming in the millennium.

  • By ordering credit cards?

  • That's right.

  • I'm applying for every credit card

  • I can get my hands on.

  • Then I'll take huge cash advances

  • and wait for the millennium bug to hose the banks' computers.

  • They'll never be able to bill me.

  • You would have made a great evil mastermind.

  • No, the hours are too long.

  • Alice, you got to help me

  • on this year 2000 project.

  • I need a team.

  • I would, but I don't have time.

  • I'm buried with work.

  • Maybe you should come with me

  • to see the director of Human Resources.

  • He might have a company-sponsored program

  • for time management.

  • Asok, we need your help

  • on the year 2000 project.

  • I'd like to help, but I'm just an intern.

  • I have no experience with computers made before the '90s.

  • Come with us to see

  • the director of Human Resources.

  • Maybe he knows of some

  • company-sponsored training you can take.

  • Wally...

  • Shh, I'm securing a home equity loan.

  • But you don't own a home.

  • I don't, but my good friend Bob does.

  • Who's Bob?

  • I'm Bob. Oh.

  • Sheesh.

  • But Wally, you're our best hope.

  • You've got to help on the year 2000 problem.

  • You were there.

  • You know where the date code is

  • on the old mainframe.

  • I don't remember any of it.

  • It was a long time ago.

  • Yes, I'm holding.

  • Come with us to see the director of Human Resources.

  • Maybe he has some sort of company-sponsored program

  • to regain lost memories.

  • Aaah!

  • MAN: Bob? Bob, are you there?

  • Hello, Bob?

  • Dogbert, I need you.

  • Meet me at work.

  • [WIZARD OF OZ -STYLE MUSIC PLAYING]

  • What do you want?

  • We came to see Mr. Catbert.

  • What for?

  • Well, I need 45 more people

  • to help me on the year 2000 project.

  • I need more time.

  • I need experience.

  • I need a memory.

  • What about the dog?

  • I'm perfect, but thanks for asking.

  • Mr. Catbert is busy. Go away!

  • We could shove Asok, the intern, through the opening

  • and he can unlock the door from the other side.

  • I could never fit in that tiny--

  • Oh...

  • Note to self:

  • Get smarter troll to guard door.

  • We need your help. I can't help.

  • Why not? It's a company policy.

  • Aren't you the one who makes the company policies?

  • Do I have a great job or what?

  • If you don't help us

  • we'll be stuck here

  • and we'll never be able to go home.

  • Dilbert, you don't need me.

  • You have everything you need right here.

  • Take Asok here.

  • He has no experience.

  • I am a blank slate.

  • But what he doesn't realize

  • is that cynicism is almost the same thing

  • as experience.

  • It is?

  • Sure. Just try thinking the worst about people

  • and you'll usually be right.

  • I feel wiser already.

  • And Alice.

  • You need more time.

  • But that's only because you spend so much time

  • with your hair and makeup in the morning.

  • That's a necessity.

  • Only in your mind.

  • You mean I'm beautiful just the way I am?

  • CATBERT: No.

  • I mean it's a lost cause.

  • You should put that time to better use.

  • DILBERT: What about Wally?

  • He needs a memory.

  • Wally doesn't need a real MEMORY.

  • I don't?

  • No. Recent court rulings

  • have proven false memory

  • is just as good as the real thing.

  • Maybe better.

  • How do I get one of those?

  • Hypnosis will do the trick.

  • I have some books right here.

  • Let me see those.

  • You don't have these on video, do you?

  • Okay, this is a start,

  • but I still need more bodies.

  • Don't you have a list of surplused employees?

  • Well, I don't usually do this.

  • Do what? Be helpful.

  • But I do have a list of employees

  • who have recently been terminated.

  • How does that help?

  • They're still on the payroll

  • for two more weeks.

  • They're all described in this binder.

  • [music]

  • NARRATOR: The useless guy.

  • The useless guy will take up space

  • and eat your doughnuts.

  • Sometimes he will clip articles from publications

  • and leave them on your chair.

  • Ted, the generic guy.

  • He has no distinct characteristics.

  • People who have known him for years

  • can't describe him.

  • There may be more than one Ted in the company.

  • No one really knows.

  • Zimbu, the monkey.

  • Smarter than the average simian.

  • Writes computer code at record speed

  • thanks to his tail.

  • They aren't much, but they'll have to do.

  • Can you regress him to his earlier days

  • as an engineer,

  • when he helped install the mainframe?

  • I'm not up to the regression chapter yet.

  • What have YOU LEARNED?

  • I can make him walk a tightrope across a ravine.

  • Does it have to be a ravine?

  • Can it be any sort of chasm?

  • Sure. Ravine or gulch... or chasm.

  • Orgasm... Huh?

  • Oops, I skipped a chapter.

  • [THUD]

  • [GRUNTING]

  • Mom?

  • Mom?

  • In here, dear.

  • Push a little harder.

  • Get your shoulder into it.

  • [GRUNTING]

  • Mom, what are you doing?

  • Stockpiling.

  • Stockpiling? Why?

  • Where have you been?

  • Haven't you heard about Y2K?

  • Heard of it?

  • I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my whole company.

  • You are? God help them.

  • Thanks, Mom.

  • Maybe you should start hoarding

  • essential supplies before it's too late.

  • Why are you hoarding hair conditioner?

  • I had a coupon.

  • Mom, it would be a lot easier

  • to talk to you if I could see you.

  • I'm not here.

  • I'm at the Warehouse Shopping Club

  • with a moving van.

  • Am I so predictable you can record

  • your side of the conversation in advance?

  • Yes, you are so predictable

  • I can record my side of the conversation in advance.

  • Put it back.

  • DILBERT: Excuse me.

  • I need to get out.

  • Get out? Nobody gets out.

  • Haven't you learned that by now?

  • I mean the driveway.

  • I know what you mean.

  • The question is, do you KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN?

  • What do you mean?

  • You're concerned about Y2K.

  • You're afraid you won't be able to solve the problem in time.

  • That you'll go down in history

  • as the goat of the new millennium.

  • How do you know that?

  • It's written all over your face.

  • If you're so smart, what do I do about the year 2000 problem?

  • Don't fight the problem.

  • Embrace it.

  • You are Y2K.

  • I am Y2K.

  • Are you just going to keep repeating what I say?

  • Okay. Embrace it. Got it.

  • Finally.

  • Uh, excuse me.

  • I still need to get out.

  • They never listen.

  • This all looks pretty optional.

  • And then he says,

  • "Do you KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN?"

  • And I said-- Fix it yet?

  • Not yet.

  • Okay.

  • As I was saying...

  • Cut it out!

  • I'm not doing anything!

  • Your tail is poking my face!

  • Your face is poking my tail!

  • Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves.

  • We just did that.

  • Can anyone pay attention here?

  • Can I say something?

  • What?!

  • Nothing!

  • It's just been a while since I said anything!

  • [FRUSTRATED SIGH]

  • Now, Ted...

  • It seems to me you might be able to...

  • Ted?

  • I was saying you might be able to--

  • Ted, I--

  • Ted.

  • Ted!

  • Are you talking to me?

  • Yes!

  • My name's not Ted.

  • It's not?

  • Well, what is it?

  • Well, it's Ted...

  • but not the Ted you're thinking of.

  • Hey, what did I tell you?

  • Come and get me!

  • [SCREECHING]

  • TED: Help! Help!

  • Get him off of me!

  • I cut out this article today.

  • I'll pass it around.

  • [GRUNTING]

  • [ZIMBU SCREECHING]

  • There it is. Black Betty.

  • That mainframe is tied

  • to every computer system in this company.

  • And only Wally knows its secrets.

  • [RUMBLING AND ELECTRONIC HORN SOUNDING]

  • [AWED GASPING]

  • This is the only control port into Black Betty.

  • It hasn't been used for years.

  • There must be 10 million lines

  • of computer code in that thing.

  • And no written documentation.

  • Let's give up now and form an agrarian society!

  • Don't panic yet.

  • If Dogbert can get Wally

  • to remember how we install this,

  • we'll know exactly where to make the changes.

  • So our futures depend on Wally.

  • That's it! We're all farmers!

  • How's it going?

  • Any progress?

  • Moo...

  • Apparently, he was a cow in a previous life.

  • Stop playing around.

  • We need him to remember his days as a young engineer,

  • when he installed the Black Betty mainframe.

  • You're stressed.

  • Have a glass of warm milk.

  • I am KIND OF THIRSTY.

  • [SLURPS]

  • Moo...

  • [SPUTTERING]

  • Blecch!

  • ASOK: It's COBOL.

  • I learned about this in school.

  • You learned to program in COBOL?

  • No. I learned about it in history class.

  • History, you say.

  • I'll see if I can find anything about HISTORY in the literature.

  • Back... Back in time. Back to the 1970s.

  • WALLY: I am getting such A SUNBURN.

  • Whose idea was this pyramid thing anyway?

  • Why don't we just cover the pharaoh with sand?

  • He afraid we'll run out?

  • Now, this IS MORE LIKE IT.

  • Hey, I'm on a break.

  • How did you get here?

  • Hey, who's the hypnotist?

  • Right.

  • A god has descended to earth!

  • Sorry, no autographs.

  • In retrospect, this was a pretty great epoch.

  • All right, who wants to fan me?

  • Back...

  • Back in time...

  • To the 1970s...

  • A.D.

  • Remember yourself as a young engineer.

  • I had hair.

  • You were full of optimism and enthusiasm.

  • I cared about my job.

  • ["FREE RIDE" PLAYING]

  • Morning.

  • Morning.

  • Morning.

  • Morning.

  • Morning.

  • Good MORNING.

  • That's the new whiz kid.

  • Ha!

  • Hotshot!

  • So much hope and energy.

  • He's got the world on a string.

  • Hey, Wally, how about some coffee?

  • Uh, thanks but no thanks.

  • I don't want to miss any work.

  • [SHUDDERING MOAN]

  • Look at him go!

  • He's written an entire customer database system

  • from scratch.

  • Why do we only use two DIGITS TO STORE THE DATES?

  • It saves space.

  • Yeah, but in the year 2000

  • the programs won't work

  • because the computer will think it's year zero-zero.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • [LAUGHING]

  • Zero-zero...

  • That Wally.

  • Oh, can you imagine?

  • We know

  • from the hypnotic regression

  • that Wally used to be a great engineer.

  • Wow.

  • From great engineer to doorstop in just a few short years.

  • Wally was a magnificent stallion

  • before he became a broken man.

  • You don't often hear the words "Wally" and "stallion"

  • in the same sentence.

  • But he was a stallion once.

  • That's the point.

  • Don't you get it?

  • I get it!

  • No, I don't!

  • We've got to think like Wally.

  • [SNORING]

  • No!

  • Young WALLY.

  • Young Wally would have seen this year 2000 problem coming.

  • He would've left flags in the program

  • so he could find the date code easily.

  • Probably some sort of keyword in the program documentation.

  • If we figure out the keyword

  • we'll know exactly where the problems are.

  • Wally, what is the keyword?

  • Keyword.

  • What is the keyword?

  • Keyword. No, no.

  • What is THE KEYWORD?

  • Keyword.

  • I think his keyword was "keyword."

  • All right, I said "smart," not "creative."

  • This old equipment won't make it!

  • It has to. It's obsolete.

  • If it fries, we'll never have a way

  • to reprogram the mainframe.

  • He's not going to make it!

  • He's not fast enough!

  • Step aside!

  • I see what he's doing.

  • You just need a faster typist.

  • Still no good!

  • He won't make it!

  • Use the tail, Zimbu. The tail!

  • Fix it yet?

  • Not yet!

  • Okay.

  • It's going to blow!

  • I feel so...soiled.

  • Even more than usual.

  • Oh, my God, have I been working?

  • Is it fixed yet?

  • We won't know until January 1st.

  • Why?

  • What significance does January 1st have?

  • January 1st, 2000.

  • Apparently...you've been too busy fooling around

  • to read the news.

  • The National Bureau of Standards has decided to skip 2000.

  • The 21st century won't officially start

  • till the year 2001.

  • You can't do that.

  • That's what they said about daylight savings time.

  • No, they didn't.

  • Well, they should've.

  • My watch is off by an hour.

  • Sometimes it's like that for months.

  • Maybe we should get hopping on the year 3000 PROBLEM.

  • You know, nip it in the bud.

  • Good THINKING, ALICE.

  • You're in charge.

  • [EXASPERATED SIGH]

  • Hi, how are you?

  • What?

  • Nothing.

  • I'm here to withdraw the maximum cash advances

  • from each of these credit cards.

  • Are you one of those guys who thinks our computer records

  • will be wiped out by the year 2000 bug

  • and you won't have to pay us back?

  • And there's nothing you can do about it.

  • Here you go.

  • [YELLS]

  • You know, no matter how many times I do that

  • it's always enjoyable.

  • [music]

Hmm... hmm.

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