It's freedom like you- Here we-

FUCK

Hey idiot.

You can't even chomp me. What are you, stupid?

Yo, look at this big dumbass. Heh heh heh.

What you lookin at, stup-

...fuck

Here I go for my money move.

Oh god, I'm gonna fuckin-

*Gasp* Okay!

Now, just gotta bounce onto this guy's-

*Gasp* Okay!

Now you just gotta jump-

ARGH, MOTHERFUCK- GET IN THERE

Oh, and that's as simple as that, ladies and gentlemen. Every single time.

Wow, that's cute.

They got a whole 2D section and everything. Heh heh heh.

Of course, I never play by the rules. Here we go.

We're gonna skip the whole thing, baby. Here we go!

You can't.... You can't skip it at all.

Here's a little trick for you speedrunners out there.

Uh...

You can actually get an early Moon here if you just bounce-

There you go and then...

Yeah and then yeah.....

Just gotta really concentrate...Uh... See?

See and then here you go.

You're cutting seconds off your speed run already and you just gotta-

Fucking piece of shit!!

-wanna get that bird.

Gimme the- Gimme the b-

Gimme the jewel!

Gimme the- Ah pfft, what?!

It change directions! What the fuck?!

How did I even get here?

This is horrible!

Uh oh, Mario's low on health.

Doesn't look good for him- EH!

Don't you ever fuck with me!

Ooh, I'm good at this one.

So what you gotta do basically is draw the perfect triangle,

and then the lines disapp- Ooh!

We're taking the turn a little wide.

Okay, we can fix this. We can fix this. Just gotta go-

Now that's pretty good.

Let's see what I got.

Zero points?!

Are you kidding me? No, how is-

How is he even calculating the points? It's broken. He's broke-

How do you get all the way over there?

That's impossible. You can't even go there-

I figured it out! Watch and learn, boys!

TEEEEEEEE

Watch this.

TAAAAAAA

This is why they call me...

...Mr. Mario.

Teh... heh... heeeeh....

Dammit! Come on!

Okay, this is the real one though, guys. Watch this.

*Wheezing noise*

He's-

I b- I beat the game.

He's a- at that- that- that- yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you win- And then yeah, and then-

Fuck!

Ooh, Glydon! That's how you get over there.

Oh, okay. Now- Now I figured it out.

Get up there, you piece of crap dinosaur.

Okay, yeah. This guy sucks.

Looks like we're gonna do it the real way, guys.

I got a good feeling about this one-

COME ON! COME ON!

*Deep Breath*

I did it!

PIECE OF SHIT! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY COINS IT TOOK FOR ME TO GET OVER HE-

Killin' him off. Killin' the character off. You're out.

Do you think you could find me four musicians?

Yeah.

Here's one.

This guy playing drums right behind you.

Ever see this guy before?

All right. What are we dealing with here?

Bop! And like that, I have now memorized the entire layout of the level.

Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of the human mind.

By utilizing my Dunkey Photographic Memory™

I can remember every single detail.

Watch this. There's a platform...

Boom. Okay, now wa-

Fuck!

*slap* Come on, I was so far, man!

Hey!

He stole my hat!

That's okay. I didn't even need the hat anyway.

Look how good I am.

00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:24,820 I don't even need the hat.

This is a tricky one. This'll get ya. You got-

Ha ha ha!

Gotta be care- Gotta be careful on this one!

Woohoo!

Now this one is strictly for the big boys.

Watch and learn. Watch and learn!

WATCH AND *wheeze*

Hoo hoo!

00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:45,560 Okay, I'm all done with the level. See you later, Crappy. Bye bye.

You need the hat to put him in the thing.

I call this my Goomba Trick.

Look at what I do. He- You bastards!

Ooh, I'm good at this. Okay, so what you gotta do

is you have to memorize what he looks like and then you draw him.

Eye... The eye was definitely there.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, the nose... The nose.

Was it up or was it side- I think it was up. Yeah.

I think it was up. And then of course, the mouth.

Now, hmm hmm...

Witness the power... The sheer power of my Dunkey Photographic Memory.™

No, that's not what I did...

Here's a little uh... party trick to impress your friends.

You know, when you're out... Late night, you're out... You're out at the party

You know, with the Nintendo Switch on the roof like in the commercial...

Don't hit it, you i-

Just gotta jum- Goddammit.

Be careful not to break the walnut-

*gasp* There! There, there.

Hey, just... Dammit.

Here we go. Just gotta get the onion out-

Get off. Get off the thing!

Get off the acorn. Fucking god!

Yeah, okay. Okay. I'm on the peanut. That's the- That's the hard part.

Now, this is the easier part. 'kay, you just gotta-

*slap* Oh my-

GET OFF!!

FUCK!!

Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. Here we go! Heh-

YES! YES, I DID IT!

He he he he ha ha ha ha!

No more fucking around.

Okay guys, if I mess this one up, I'll go back to playing League of Legends. How 'bout that?

Oh, fuck...

I know why this isn't working.

I need the sombrero!

Come on, baby. Come on. Yes!

Yes! Yes!

See? See how much faster and easier that is than the normal way.

I mean, you can never go back.

[Outro]