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  • *Australian Crawl - "The Boys Light Up" playing*

  • We start the episode in a nice warm room

  • Ah, fuck

  • That didn't last long

  • Tormund shares a listicle on how to stop your balls from freezing

  • Gendry talks about being sexually abused by Melisandre

  • And Jon tries to give Longclaw to Jorah

  • But he's like: "Now you don't have a sword"

  • "I have my fists"

  • "Don't be a dickhead"

  • Seriously, it was a dodgy idea

  • Arya accuses Sansa of getting their dad killed

  • She presents her flimsy as fuck evidence

  • Sansa is like: "Oh, you have got some bloody nerve, you little judgemental arrogant shit!"

  • Even in sub-zero weather, Tormund can still get a stiffy thinking about Brienne

  • Beric and Jon laugh about how they can't die

  • And the Hound metaphorically points to his brother

  • Dany misses her boyfriends, and wants to go out night-clubbing

  • Tyrion tells her she needs to start thinking about her future

  • The Friday work drinks turns into a big fucking argument

  • Meanwhile, Thoros has a go at fighting an undead flaming bear

  • He then says: "I really loved this mission"

  • Jon's like: "These spare pricks were fucking useless"

  • Sansa has been Littlefinger-ed a few times in the past

  • And she could get Littlefinger-ed again, if she's not careful here

  • Thoros tells Jorah: "I really loved this mission"

  • Such a top attitude!

  • There's a White Walker with 20 good dead men

  • He's probably on a mission to steal a human

  • Jon-o and the Fellowship charges in to pick a fight

  • There's some bloody hammer time

  • A flaming sword

  • Jorah needs to lift his game

  • Jon-o turns this wanker into a bag of ice cubes!

  • And all his minions explode and die

  • Except this little fella

  • He gets bullied

  • He's like: "Help! Someone help!"

  • Luckily, he has the best mates

  • Team Jon-o shits their dacks and starts running away

  • Oh, Gendry also buggers off to call in back-up

  • One of the spare pricks falls on the ice and breaks it

  • So I'm giving him credit for all of these kills

  • Unfortunately, they do end up in a pickle

  • Run Gendry, run!

  • He makes it into the loving arms of Davos

  • who yells: "Email the dragons!"

  • Jorah's thinking: "Could be worse, I could be a rock"

  • Thoros is like: "I really loved this mission"

  • Beric says: "Why don't we just go kill the boss man, and then we could all go home, Bob's your uncle?"

  • "Ye fucking think I haven't thought of that?"

  • Back where everyone has central heating, Sansa tells Brienne to bugger off

  • Arya also keeps mind-fucking her to the point she's probably thinking:

  • "Even getting Littlefinger-ed isn't as bad as this bullshit"

  • Dany has put on her winter outfit

  • She fires up the dragons and heads into battle

  • Day 53: It looks like we're about to see a shit fight

  • Yup, it is hammer time!

  • Jon-o gets a kill

  • Jorah scores a point

  • Sonic BOOM

  • Yoga flame

  • Hyah!

  • Superb

  • Excellent

  • Outstanding

  • Ah fuck me dead, where's Dany?

  • Thousand-and-one!

  • Thousand-and-two!

  • Lookout, Jon-o

  • Think of Brienne

  • Think of Brienne, mate!

  • Oh, no worries, the Hound has got ya

  • Another spare prick bites the dust

  • Slow-mo face

  • Slow-mo face

  • Slow-mo face

  • Jorah does the best one

  • Suddenly, they hear someone yell:

  • "BARBECUE!"

  • AND THE ARMY OF THE DEAD GETS ROASTED!

  • This is a massive cook-up!

  • look at Jon-o, he loves it

  • Dany says: "Come with me, if you want to live"

  • Jon's like: "Hang on, let me show you some of my moves"

  • He does some pretty cool moves

  • But then the Night's King yells:

  • "POPSICLE!"

  • And Viserion gets fucked on!

  • Dragon down!

  • Dragon down!

  • Oh no, Jon-o down!

  • Jon-o down!

  • And JORAH DOWN!

  • JORA- Oh no, he's good

  • He's alright

  • Yeah nah, Jon-o is good too

  • Uncle Benjen gives him a horse, and he makes into the loving arms of Davos

  • Dany checks out his awesome scars and six-pack

  • Later on, they have a deep and meaningful chat about how they're gonna help each other out

  • Fuck yes, Jon-o and Dany, fuck yes!

  • Finally, the Night's King does his favourite party trick

  • And Viserion is reborn as a frosty wanker

  • *"The Breaking of the Fellowship" playing*

  • *Billy Thorpe and the Aztecs - "Most People I Know" playing*

  • Yeah, look, that mission turned out okay

  • Considering it was a dodgy mission

  • This episode was a fucking roller coaster

  • I was a bit worried for some reason it was gonna be a shit episode

  • But the second half was incredible

  • I dunno, I kinda put my finger on it

  • At 70 minutes long, and having a couple of days to digest it

  • I think it's a real surprise packet

  • He does hold up well as a whole

  • I gotta give Most Valuable Player to Emilia Clarke

  • This scene between her and Jon-o at the end where she's in pain, as a mother, due to the loss of Viserion

  • is fair dinkum gold

  • I think the reason this scene has such an emotional punch

  • is due to the character building blocks in the previous three episodes

  • I've enjoyed all of the Jon and Dany scenes

  • And even though, the pacing of this season feels lightning fast

  • I think the main A-grade characters are still getting enough screen time to sink their teeth into some juicy dilemmas

  • I'm very worried as to how things are gonna pan out between Tyrion and Dany

  • Although his plans have gone to shit, his intentions and instincts have been on point, when you think about it

  • You could never just rock up to King's Landing, and immediately start a barbecue

  • Too many people would have been triggered due to the Targaryen barbecues from the past

  • So, yeah nah, I love all of the Dany scenes this week

  • Maybe the episode was lacking suspense, because it was predictable all along she would save the day

  • But m'yeah, once the stand-off ended, I did enjoy this shit fight

  • I loved the Night King took out a dragon and respawned it

  • I was worried the army was a bit of a joke

  • I think

  • And maybe that's why I thought early on, the episode could fall apart

  • This whole powerful army that Jon bangs on about

  • was struggling to kill a few blokes

  • But then, by the end, you do have to wonder if the Night King wanted Jon-o and the gang to be trapped

  • Was it his plan to lure Daenerys near ground level, and steal her dragons?

  • How much do they know about who is on the other side of the wall?

  • Yeah, the final taste in my mouth, is that they're not to be underestimated

  • The banter between Tormund and the Hound was on a whole other level this week

  • Like, double 0 agent level of fucking professional banter

  • I hope Arya is acting

  • We know Littlefinger can have places bugged

  • He loves a peephole

  • Loves a secret peephole

  • She has what it takes to be a good actor, from her time in Braavos

  • I hope she's not being a dumbass

  • I feel like handing Sansa Littlefinger's dagger could have been a signal

  • Like: "Blink twice if you're having me on with how judgemental you're being, sister"

  • "Bloody blink twice"

  • The handing over of the dagger could have been Arya blinking twice

  • The episode is called "Beyond the Wall"

  • And if you're dedicated to truth, if you wanna see truth in its 100% purest form

  • You have to be willing to look beyond a bloody wall

  • These fellers are on a mission to prove that the army of the Dead is true

  • Some of them find truth in religion

  • Truth in unrequited love

  • Truth in owning your past's mistakes

  • It's a quest for fucking truth

  • Sansa and Arya have a wall between them as well

  • Either Arya needs to see beyond the wall, and the truth is that Sansa is not an enemy

  • Or Sansa needs to see beyond the wall, and that Arya is helping her snuff out Littlefinger once and for all

  • Tyrion is struggling to see beyond the wall, as to whether or not Dany truthfully wants to break the wheel

  • And she can't see if he honestly wants to overthrow his family

  • Absolute truth is a hard thing to pin down and hold on to

  • And that's what this episode was about

  • For me, anyways

  • Oh, and Benjen could have gotten on that horse

  • Likely I could have gotten on the door in Titanic

  • Benjen could have done it

  • [Outro Music - "Most people I know" - Billy Thorpe"]

*Australian Crawl - "The Boys Light Up" playing*

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