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  • -Good evening, ladies and remaining gentlemen.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm Seth Meyers, and I'll be your host tonight.

  • Welcome to the 75th annual Golden Globes,

  • and Happy New Year, Hollywood.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • It's 2018.

  • Marijuana is finally allowed,

  • and sexual harassment finally isn't.

  • [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

  • It's gonna be a good year!

  • [ Cheers and applause continues ]

  • This was the year of big little lies and "get out"

  • and also the television series "Big Little Lies"

  • and the movie "Get Out."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • There's a new era under way, and I can tell,

  • because it's been years since a white man

  • was this nervous in Hollywood.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • By the way, a special hello to hosts

  • of other upcoming awards shows who are watching me tonight

  • like the first dog they shot into outer space.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • For the male nominees in the room tonight,

  • this is the first time in three months

  • it won't be terrifying to hear your name read out loud.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • "Did you hear about Willem Dafoe?"

  • "Oh, God, no!" "He was nominated."

  • "Don't do that! [ Laughter ]

  • Don't do that!"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Considering what has been going on this year with powerful men

  • and their terrible behavior in Hollywood,

  • a lot of people thought it would be more appropriate

  • for a woman to host these awards,

  • and they may be right.

  • But if it's any consolation,

  • I'm a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm not even the most powerful Seth in the room tonight.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, remember when he was the guy

  • making trouble with North Korea?

  • [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

  • Remember that?

  • [ Applause continues ]

  • Simpler times. [ Laughter ]

  • They tried to get a woman to host this show --

  • they really did.

  • They said, "Hey, how would you like to come and be judged

  • by some of the most powerful people in Hollywood?"

  • And women were like, "Hmm, well, where is it?"

  • And they said, "It's at a hotel,"

  • and long story short, I'm your host tonight.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And we're all here tonight

  • courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press.

  • A strin-- Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press.

  • A string of three words that could not have

  • been better designed to infuriate our President --

  • Hollywood Foreign Press.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • The only name that would make him angrier

  • would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Well, I think it's time to address the elephant

  • not in the room.

  • Harvey Weinstein isn't here tonight,

  • because, well, I've heard rumors

  • that he's crazy and difficult to work with.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But don't worry -- he'll be back in 20 years

  • when he becomes the first person

  • ever booed during the "In Memoriam."

  • [ Laughter, audience groans ]

  • It'll sound like that.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, despite everything that happened this year,

  • the show goes on.

  • For example, I was happy to hear

  • they're gonna do another season of "House of Cards."

  • Is Christopher Plummer available for that, too?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I hope he can do a Southern accent,

  • 'cause Kevin Spacey sure couldn't.

  • [ Laughter, audience groans ]

  • Oh, is that too mean?

  • To Kevin Spacey?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Daniel Kaluuya is nominated for Best Actor...

  • [ Cheers and applause ] ...for his work in "Get Out."

  • Daniel plays a young man lured to an event

  • full of aging white people

  • desperate to reclaim their youth,

  • and -- oh, my God, Daniel, it's a trap!

  • Get out! [ Laughter ]

  • "Get Out" was a great film to see in a theater

  • and also a great way to tell if your date was a racist.

  • If you walked out after that movie and your date said,

  • "It was so sad when they hit that deer," they're a racist.

  • You went to a movie with a racist.

  • "The Shape of Water" received the most nominations

  • of any film this year.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Just an incredibly beautiful film.

  • But I have to admit, when I first heard

  • about a film where a naive young woman

  • falls in love with a disgusting sea monster,

  • I thought, "Oh, man, not another Woody Allen movie."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like "Manhattan" in water.

  • "The Post" is nominated for Best Picture tonight.

  • "The Post"... [ Cheers and applause ]

  • "The Post" is a film about journalistic integrity,

  • directed by Steven Spielberg

  • and starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep --

  • No, not yet, we have to wait.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We have to wait and see what happens.

  • [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

  • There was some great television nominated this year, too.

  • We had another fantastic season of "Stranger Things."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • "Stranger Things" reminded me so much of my childhood.

  • Not the sci-fi stuff, and I didn't really have any friends.

  • I don't know how to ride a bike.

  • Basically, just the part

  • where a guy from RadioShack dated my mom.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Sesame Street" recently released a parody

  • of "Stranger Things," titled "Sharing Things."

  • Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie have been doing a parody

  • of "Call Me By Your Name" for years.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I live in New York,

  • so one of my favorite shows of the year was "The Deuce."

  • If you haven't seen it, "The Deuce" is a show

  • about Times Square in the early '70s,

  • when New York was so seedy there were two James Francos.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Oprah Winfrey is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award tonight.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • What a tremendous honor

  • for Cecil B. DeMille.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, Oprah, while I have you, in 2011, I told some jokes

  • about our current president

  • at the White House Correspondents Dinner --

  • jokes about how he was unqualified to be president --

  • and some have said that night convinced him to run.

  • So if that's true, I just want to say --

  • Oprah, you will never be President!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You do not have what it takes!

  • And Hanks! Where's Hanks?!

  • You will never be Vice President!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You are too mean and unrelatable!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Now we just wait and see.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So if I may, on my show, we do a segment called

  • "Jokes Seth Can't Tell" with two of my writers,

  • Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel, where they tell punch lines

  • that would be more fun coming from them instead of me,

  • a straight white male.

  • Tonight, that's more true than ever,

  • so we thought we could enlist

  • some of the brilliant people in this room, so let's start.

  • Where's Jessica Chastain? Jessica Chastain?

  • There she is. Give it up for Jessica.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • So I'm gonna say the setup,

  • and Jessica's gonna say the punch line.

  • Okay, here we go.

  • The Golden Globes turns 75 this year...

  • -But the actress that plays its wife is