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  • Welcome to The Silver Spleen. This is my review of

  • DUE WEST: OUR SEX JOURNEY. Trust me, cancel your trip. DUE WEST was

  • adapted from a very successful internet novel about a young man's sexual

  • adventures both here in Hong Kong and in the Chinese city of Dongguan. Of course,

  • in the film, all references to Dongguan have been excised, because there are no hookers in

  • Dongguan. Just ask China.

  • Unfortunately DUE WEST takes the idea of adaptation perhaps a bit too literally.

  • It becomesa laborious recreation of the novel,

  • through the bludgeoning overuse of dialogue, and what you end up with is a

  • 119 excruciating minutes of rarely relieved tedium.

  • "You mean I'm not interesting just by virtue of being me?" Listening to self-absorbed

  • blather that reads much better and much faster than it plays onscreen becomes a

  • real endurance test, and the few times your eyes are given more than your ears,

  • they're still getting short shrift. The cardinal sin of Category III movies is

  • making them boring, There's no excuse for a Category III movie being boring,

  • considering the palette you have to work with: violence, sex, profanity, nudity,

  • including pubic hair. What more do you want?

  • The force that drives Category III is naked (and hopefully attractive) women

  • The force is weak in these two. I don't watch these movies for the plot, or the acting,

  • or the cinematography.Sex education in China has a long way to go. I watch these

  • movies to see naked breasts. The laying on of hands is an age-old medical practice.

  • And if I'm lucky I'll get to see pubic hair. I meant in the crotch! Sadly, this was not to be.

  • Hope as I might, there was no pubic hair on show. Yes, I'm a grown man and I've seen my

  • fair share of pubic hair in real life, but you know what? Women have seen shoes before,

  • too, but they still get pretty [email protected]#$in' excited when they see new ones.

  • There's no pubic hair on display in DUE WEST. And damned few breasts. Granted, what

  • they lack in numbers, they certainly make up for in size. And I realize it's hard

  • to get (or afford) pretty women to show off their breasts and/or 'forestry,' but I

  • guess I had hoped for a little higher standard, and I was denied. Ugh.

  • Now, Jeana Ho is pretty, don't get me wrong,

  • but the rest of the women in this movie were

  • a pack of howling

  • fuglies. They could scare a starving cat off a garbage truck. They look like

  • they fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every Godd@mn branch on the way down. They could

  • make a freight train take a dirt road. They made Amy Winehouse look good!

  • The prostitute third act was vaguely attractive, but her breasts were so comically huge

  • that it just made her look silly. She better marry a chiropractor, 'cos she's gon' need a backiotomy. I don't wanna

  • spend too much time on this review

  • because the sooner it's done, the sooner I can start forgetting that I watched this

  • travesty. I felt like the guy in this photo, and DUE WEST was the woman:

  • "What the hell are you doing back there?!?"

  • Don't ask me how I know this, but the Poison Dragon Drill is a helluva lot

  • more fun than watching DUE WEST: OUR SEX JOURNEY.

  • If you want to watch this movie, buy it.

  • Don't download it. Don't steal things. What kind of sh*tbag does that make you? There's a

  • link down below where you can actually buy the movie. That's what you're supposed

  • to do. If you like my reviews, please leave a note telling me that. If you

  • dislike the reviews, go ahead - insult me. What the hell do I care? I was raised Irish

  • Catholic. You think it's gonna bother me? If you really enjoy my reviews, please

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Welcome to The Silver Spleen. This is my review of

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Due West: Our Sex Journey Movie Review

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    VoiceTube posted on 2013/08/18
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