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  • 33D INVADER was supposed to be at least partially in 3D (hence the title), but apparently they decided not to carry through on this.

  • Which means they ran out of $. But so what? 3D gives me

  • a headache anyway.

  • And that's of no use to me.

  • Especially if I'm watching 90 minutes of prurient cinematic indulgence.

  • The film opens with a credit sequence whose voiceover exposition

  • is only slightly less laughable than what the exposition shows us; naked people on

  • boogie boards in some kind of intergalactic chase scene. But what's the story? Well, in 2046

  • the world experiences cataclysmic

  • changes

  • that render 99.9% of men infertile. The United Nations sends a woman named Future

  • back to 2011

  • to find a healthy male to impregnate her.

  • She is menaced by two assassins from the planet Xucker.

  • They are of course named Xucker 1 and Xucker 2.

  • Once that sequence ends, we're treated to a quartet of (relatively)

  • buxom young women running down a beach.

  • Another equally amusing

  • voiceover tells us these are all young,

  • diligent university students. They are studying medicine and law (with an emphasis

  • on women's rights) and they hope to find

  • the right man at university. Just regular girls,

  • really. With big t*ts. Jeana, the budding

  • feminist lawyer, is

  • attracted to

  • (but does not trust) Lawrence. Who wouldn't trust

  • this face? But Jeana isn't sure if

  • Lawrence really likes her, because

  • she sees Lawrence hugging Future. You see, Future has to find a suitable mate, and she finds Lawrence

  • 97.3% healthy, so she offers him immediate reproductive

  • access to, well... to her. She has only three days to accomplish her mission, 'cause she's being hunted.

  • Remember, Xucker 1 and Xucker 2 are here as well.

  • They intend to rape Future, because they're radioactive and it will destroy

  • her reproductive system. So, let's recap these story arcs:

  • On the one hand,

  • the future of mankind. On the other, questions about the

  • faithfulness of a 20-year old

  • Hong Kong man. I'm going to give up on the synopsis at this point, because there's

  • really no need to be exhaustive. And nobody watches these movies for the story anyway.

  • Unless you're a [email protected]#$in' idiot. I'll prove it to you:

  • in the movie, Jeana's friends tell her that the

  • only way to find out who Future is and how she feels about Lawrence is for all of them

  • to sleep with Lawrence's friends. Now that makes sense to me,

  • but I have a penis. See, here's the problem, though:

  • Lawrence's friends are

  • a really fat kid, a really skinny kid, and some guy who sweats a lot.

  • Meanwhile, all of Jeana's friends are hot. But hey, hot girls bang

  • ugly guys all the time. Right?

  • While we're on the subject like a bad suit,

  • one of the girls

  • actually gives her virginity to the sweaty kid, just so that Jeana can find out if Lawrence

  • is a worthy catch. Yeah, sure most Hong Kong girls would happily give up that

  • silly little piece of skin just so that their friend can have peace of mind about a guy she's crushing on.

  • But here's something that is worth pointing out: The fat kid ends up getting

  • knocked unconscious, so no p*ssy for him. Concurrently, the Hong Kong [leng mo] Monna Lam

  • Mona?

  • Who gives a sh*t? ...is otherwise occupied during

  • the, uh,

  • Fact-Finding

  • F*ck Fest, so she

  • (like all good HK actresses)

  • doesn't actually get naked, much less get laid. Which makes her

  • the cinematic equivalent of an unconscious fat kid

  • with a bad dye job. Congratulations. I hope you're proud of yourself. All that aside,

  • I really enjoyed 33D INVADER

  • for all the right reasons. Like nudity. Yeah, 33D INVADER is sleazy,

  • exploitative trash,

  • but it never pretends to be anything else. And if it wallows in its own inappropriateness,

  • it's only being comfortable at home. And that's something we all have a right to do. The film mostly

  • avoids the nasty sexual

  • excesses

  • that other genre films like 3D SEX & ZEN end up in. There is a rape scene,

  • but it's presented with so many

  • odd and disturbing twists that you never get even the slightest feeling that you (or the victims)

  • are supposed to enjoy it. You'll never look at a cactus the same way again.

  • Enough said.

  • And yes, it is nasty when a KY Jelly-vomiting

  • female alien who's also a hermaphrodite rapes a woman. But when that

  • happens on the left side of the screen

  • while

  • the right half is occupied by an amateurish and oddly grim painting of Donald Duck,

  • the whole thing is so twisted that there's virtually no chance of titillation. Only an odd,

  • creeping nausea. I liked this film a hell of a lot

  • more than

  • SEX & ZEN 3D

  • because it's honest about itself. 33D INVADER is what it is, and you either like it

  • or you don't. I liked so much that I watched it twice in the cinema.

  • That don't make me a bad person. What would make you a bad person is

  • downloading this movie. So don't do it! Buy the movie. There are links, down there near my friends

  • where you can buy it. Buy a DVD, buy a BluRay. Trust me, it's worth it! If you enjoyed this review, please subscribe. Leave a comment, even if you didn't like the movie.

  • What the hell?

33D INVADER was supposed to be at least partially in 3D (hence the title), but apparently they decided not to carry through on this.

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3 3D Invader Movie Review

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    Dennis Li posted on 2013/08/18
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