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  • The following trailer is rated 'S' for spoilers.

  • From Ridley Scott, one of the best directors working today,

  • And also, one of the worst,

  • comes the sixth film in the franchise that makes it official,

  • there are now more bad Alien movies than good ones.

  • Wah-wah.

  • When Ridley Scott wanted to wank about the meaning of life for two hours, he gave us Prometheus.

  • Now, he's back with a good old fashioned Alien flick, that returns to its sci-fi horror roots.

  • Until it takes a sharp left turn into the same wank job territory as the last one.

  • "My name is Ozymandias. King of kings. Look up my works, ye mighty and despair."

  • Save the android poetry for Blade Runner, damn it.

  • I want the short-hair girl, in a tank top, fighting a xenomorph, who kills it by sucking it in the vacuum of space!

  • Now that's the Alien I remember!

  • In a franchise, full of unforgettable characters, experience a chapter where no one stands out.

  • Except maybe Kenny Powers.

  • "Let's party."

  • 'laughs"

  • And meet the crew of the Covenant, married couples who you completely forget are married, until someone says "My wife."

  • "Never heard my wife scared before."

  • "Behave yourself with my wife."

  • "I'm good with my wife's tits."

  • Cheer, as this gaggle of idiots, are picked off one by one for their terrible decisions.

  • Like, aborting their mission, because they heard a John Denver song.

  • (singing) "Take me home.."

  • "That's f**king John Denver!"

  • Not wearing protection on a foreign planet.

  • Opening quarantine rooms with killer aliens in them.

  • Shooting at your own fuel tanks.

  • Having shower sex in a horror movie.

  • Slipping in the same blood puddle,

  • (screams)

  • twice.

  • (screams)

  • Trusting a robot who clearly loves aliens.

  • "NOOO!"

  • And sticking your face over an alien egg, because that same robot told you to!

  • "Take a look."

  • Why would you look in the egg??!!

  • You know, maybe these aren't colonists.

  • Maybe Earth has a secret program to deport the world's biggest morons.

  • Forget the humans, as you spend most of your time in freshman philosophy class,

  • with the androids Walter and David.

  • Michael Fassbender, jacked and josed, as both characters,

  • playing two slight variations on a pretentious literature professor.

  • "Who wrote Ozymandias?"

  • "Byron."

  • "Shelley."

  • Who are both so full of themselves, they literally can't keep their fingers off each other's flute.

  • (flute playing)

  • Wow, this is a long flute sequence.

  • (flute STILL playing)

  • Seriously, so much flute.

  • (DO YA LIKE FLUTE?)

  • I did not expect to associate the Alien franchise with flute playing, but, well, here we are.

  • Might as well enjoy it.

  • "Watch me. I'll do the fingering. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  • (laughs)

  • Experience a bad sci-fi script in the hands of a visual genius.

  • As you soak up, shot, after epic shot.

  • While ignoring how all the tech looks way more advanced in this prequel.

  • And thrill as CGI lets you finally see the xenomorphs move around..in full daylight.

  • Which just looks..wrong.

  • It's like seeing Batman at the beach.

  • What's next, CGI Ripley?

  • NOOOO!!! (not another Rogue One, please)

  • So enjoy a film, that wants you to ask questions, like,

  • Who are we?

  • And, why are we here?

  • But will have you asking questions like, why should I care?

  • Why are critical plot scenes on YouTube and not in the movie?

  • And, wait, how many more of these are they gonna make?

  • As this latest installment, gives Alien the same prestige as The Terminator franchise.

  • In that the first two are classics, and it's all been downhill from there.

  • "Nice to see you."

  • (ALIEN 6: MORE DAMN FLUTES)

  • I'll say it, best sci-fi flute work since Picard.

  • (Flute playing, yet again)

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The following trailer is rated 'S' for spoilers.

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