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  • You remember the tale as old as 1991.

  • Now, experience it all over again with CGI and celebrities

  • as Disney reminds us: "It's not about how you look,

  • it's what on the inside of your wallet that counts!"

  • (Again)

  • After The Jungle Book used live action to improve on their animated classic,

  • Disney's using live action to just copy their animated classic

  • and see if anyone notices

  • or cares.

  • Turns out they don't!

  • In an empty spectacle that reminds you how good the original was,

  • and shows you how creepy the original would be if it were real.

  • "Mum said I wasn't supposed to move."

  • Eugh!

  • Return to the British-est part of France,

  • "I can't remember what."

  • "Crazy old Maurice."

  • "Giving her a suite in the East Wing."

  • and meet Belle,

  • a beautiful book lover who falls in love with an ugly dude.

  • So, Hermione?

  • Emma Watson turned down an Oscar-winning role in La La Land for this,

  • but she deserves an Oscar for not laughing every time Dan Steven showed up in his mo-cap suit.

  • Watch her inhabit this strong, female role model

  • who isn't afraid to invent her own...

  • washing machine,

  • "What are you doing?"

  • "The laundry."

  • and doesn't need a man to help her express herself,

  • unless that man's name is Otto Tune.

  • Easy to remember

  • Otto? Tune? You get it.

  • But it's not all a rehash of the original.

  • There's several new tiny crumbs of movie to pick over

  • like:

  • superfluous backstory,

  • wandering around the woods,

  • diversity?,

  • and the plague.

  • Kids love the plague!

  • Plus, a new Oscar-bating song

  • that'll have you wondering if you have enough time to take a pee break.

  • Now I know she'll never leave me

  • You do.

  • Gaston shines as the aggressive, controlling, hairy guy who imprisons Belle's dad,

  • as opposed to the Beast, an aggressive, controlling, hairy guy who imprisons Belle's dad.

  • And if you're mad we reused the same joke we made in our original Honest Trailer,

  • then you're not one of the millions of Disney fans who defend this glorified rehash.

  • Blink and you'll miss the reveal of Disney's first openly gay character,

  • assuming you don't count Prince Eric,

  • as LeFou finally comes out of the closet

  • to piss off everyone.

  • Because gay people don't want their first character to a sniveling, evil weirdo

  • while homophobes want the scene to be more gay so they can get really hot and bothered.

  • Seriously, that's it? That's the moment that got it banned in Kuwait, Malaysia, and Alabama?

  • I've seen gayer stuff for breakfast!

  • So be Disney's guest at this timeless tale of how it's your inner beauty that matters,

  • "The beauty is found within."

  • even though Belle is hot,

  • the Beast is hot,

  • the dresser is hot,

  • the librarian is hot,

  • and even the withered, old crone turns out to be hot.

  • Because while inner beauty is what really matters,

  • your ugly ass is definitely a curse.

  • Yay, the Royal Prince is back!

  • But wait, if Gaston had a musket, then this takes place either right before or right after the French Revolution.

  • Uh-oh!

You remember the tale as old as 1991.

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