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  • - (dude) I have a girlfriend.

  • She just goes to a different school.

  • - (Ian) SHUT UP!!!

  • - Have you ever wanted to be an independent person,

  • free from the shackles of a relationship?

  • Me neither, 'cause I'm a lonely little b*tch

  • just like you, so I'm gonna show you how to get a girlfriend.

  • Let's go.

  • First, make sure she's alive.

  • - Oh! What the f*ck?!

  • - (voice-over) Great!

  • - (Anthony) Become a stalker!

  • All girls really like when you take the time

  • to get to know everything about them,

  • but simply Facebook stalking them isn't accurate enough information.

  • (indistinct chatter on TV)

  • - "Has a boyfriend."

  • Challenge accepted.

  • - What the f*ck?!

  • AGH! AAAAH! OOOOH!

  • - (voice-over) Eye see what you did there!

  • (goofy chuckle) See what I did there?

  • - (Anthony) She won't get down and sleazy if you're easy.

  • - Hello?

  • - If you really wanna date me, you're gonna have to come find me.

  • The clue is that it's really hot and I'm in Hawaii.

  • - Um, are you in a volcano? - Yup!

  • AAAAAH!

  • - I got it right! Yes! (phone boops)

  • - (voice-over) Conglaturations! You're winner!

  • - (Anthony) Get her parents' approval.

  • If going directly to her doesn't work,

  • just go to her mom and charm her.

  • That way you get instant approval.

  • (gasps) (sensual moaning)

  • - What the hell?!

  • - (voice-over) Milftastic!!

  • - That's my dad.

  • - YARGGH! - (voice-over) Dilftastic?! I guess.

  • - (Anthony) Blackmail her.

  • - Wh-What?

  • - (Anthony) No, the other type of blackmail.

  • Still not the right blackmail!

  • No, not black nails.

  • Nope, not black Bale either.

  • Let's just forget this.

  • Okay, let's just move onto the next step.

  • Pretend to be someone else.

  • Hello, I am Mr. President Barack Obama.

  • - You're really the president?

  • - ...Yes.

  • - But you're married and have kids already. Gross!

  • - What the hell, Barack?

  • - Oh my god, Mrs. Obama!

  • I'm actually not your husband.

  • I was just wearing this amazing disguise

  • to trick this girl into liking me.

  • - Sir, China just sent warships into the sea in Japan!

  • What should we do?

  • - (stammering) I'm not--

  • - Press this button if you wanna launch the nukes!

  • - Uh... uh... - Press it!

  • PRESS IT! - Come on, Barack!

  • - Okay. (buzzer sounds)

  • - (voice-over) We're all dead!

  • - (Anthony) Just grow some f*cking balls.

  • When all else fails, take matters into your own hands,

  • conquer your fears, and just ask her out.

  • Look, I'm really scared you're going to say no,

  • but... will you go out with me? - Sure.

  • - Really? - Yeah.

  • I mean, you kidnapped me and dragged me to your house.

  • It's not like I had much of a choice.

  • - I didn't kidnap you.

  • - You literally used kidnapping rope.

  • It's a shame too.

  • If you'd just asked me, I would've said yes.

  • - Really?

  • - I mean, I've always really liked you.

  • And if you just untied, I'd show you how much.

  • - Okay! (chuckles)

  • (romantic music)

  • - (Ian's voice) Stop right there!

  • You're under arrest for being really bad at asking girls out!

  • - You were a cop the whole time?

  • - Uh-huh.

  • - But what about all the wonderful times we shared together?

  • - Huh...

  • As we go on

  • We remember some of the times that we spent together

  • - I'm really sorry.

  • Look, how about you just put that girl mask back on

  • and we can just look past all of this and just start over?

  • - Yeah. - Yeah?

  • - Yeah, we could-- BULLSH*T!!!

  • (gunshots) (Anthony groans)

  • (ammo shells clatter)

  • (nom nom nom)

  • - (voice-over) Took a bite out of crime!

  • - (Anthony) Hey guys. Thank you so much for subscribing.

  • Click the video on the left to check out bloopers and this:

  • - Uh, apparently my hair is too thick

  • and this popcorn is stuck and the only way to get it out is...

  • (vacuum sucks)

  • - (Ian) And click the video on the right if you wanna see

  • Every Walking Dead Ever.

  • Keith makes a really beautiful Michonne.

  • - Can't we just smear ourselves with guts

  • like you guys did that one time and walk through?

  • - No, we only use good ideas like that once!

  • - (Anthony) And if you can't click stuff on the screen,

  • click the stuff on the bottom of the description.

- (dude) I have a girlfriend.

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